Our mind is a jumble of irrational ideas that, however irrational they may seem, guide our decisions and behaviors, making us think that we are the most rational people in the world. Irrationality is camouflaged behind traditions, beliefs transmitted from one generation to another and many of the messages that society sends us and that we accept without questioning them.
Albert Ellis, the creator of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) and one of the most influential psychologists in the history of Psychology, realized this. Ellis thought that much of our emotional suffering comes or can be eliminated by changing irrational, counterproductive, self-defeating and rigid beliefs. In fact, he once said that “If the Martians ever find out how human beings think, they’ll kill themselves laughing.”
He affirmed that “There are three musts that hold us back: I must do well. You must treat me well. And the world must be easy”. Albert Ellis started from the idea that our emotional discomfort is not caused directly by adversity but by ourselves, it is our irrational beliefs and thoughts that generate that suffering.
These irrational beliefs end up dictating our emotions and decisions, mediating our relationship with the world and the problems that arise. That is why it is essential to be aware of their existence and irrationality, to place more adaptive thoughts in their place.
The irrational beliefs of Albert Ellis
There are as many irrational ideas as there are people, but Ellis discovered that some beliefs are quite common and it is probable that all of us, at some time in our life, have had them.
1. Meaningful people should love us and accept what we do
Why is it an irrational idea?
Pretend that the people with whom we relate not only approve us, but also accept everything we do is a utopia. Simple and plain. In addition, constantly seeking social approval requires enormous effort and an immeasurable amount of energy that is not worth spending.
Seeking the approval of the others also generates a servile attitude, so that we will end up putting our needs in the background, being at the mercy of the opinions of the others.
To make matters worse, the uncertainty of not knowing if we will achieve that approval will generate insecurity and constant concern, which will end up making us very unhappy.
2. To be valuable, it is essential to be very competent and realize great achievements in all possible areas
Why is it an irrational idea?
No one can be fully competent in all aspects of life. Trying to succeed is not bad, but not recognizing our limits can cause serious psychological and physical problems, making us distance ourselves from reality.
Seeking success at all costs implies obsessing and, above all, submitting to a continuous comparison that often only generates frustration and the opposite feeling sought: incompetence.
In addition, the concern for success often generates fear of failure and commit mistakes, which can lead to immobility. We must understand that we have not come to the world to compete with the others, but to try to be happy. That change of perspective is extremely liberating.
3. Certain people are vile, evil and infamous and should be blamed and punished for their perversity
Why is it an irrational idea?
We need to assume that we are all limited in certain aspects and that we do not always measure the consequences of our actions but we react impulsively. Sometimes we make mistakes without realizing it, but it is not a “conscious evil”.
People who act badly, in most cases, are not fully aware of the consequences that their behaviors generate on others. Applying the label of evil and infamous, instead of showing a more tolerant and rational attitude, will only serve to aggravate the conflict.
Nor is playing the letter of guilt very useful. Guilt does not make anyone a better person, it only adds a dose of anxiety to anxiety.
4. It is terrible that things do not go the way we planned them
Why is it an irrational idea?
We would never think that clouds should be otherwise or that they should go in another direction. We simply accept them as something natural, but we have troubles accepting that things in life happen in the same way.
Each event is determined by many factors and, since we cannot control them all, there are few reasons for thinking that things have to go different way, except our irrational belief that everything must go according to our expectations to conform to our wishes and needs.
There is bad news: things do not always adapt to the mental plan we designed. Waiting for everything to flow smoothly will only bring down, anger or frustrate us, a state of mind that will not help us to redirect the situation or find a good solution.
5. Human misfortune is due to external causes
Why is it an irrational idea?
There are many events that escape our control, and the sooner we assume it, the better. But things will only affect us to the extent that we allow them and according to the meaning we attribute to them. Although we do not have control over certain circumstances, we can choose how to react.
In this regard, Albert Ellis explained: “The emotionally mature individual should completely accept the fact that we live in a world of probability and chance, where there are not, nor probably ever will be, any absolute certainties, and should realize that it is not at all horrible, indeed—such a probabilistic, uncertain world.”
6. If something is dangerous or scary, one must feel very restless and obsessed with the possibility of it happening
Why is it an irrational idea?
When we are very worried about what might happen, nervousness will prevent us from seeing clearly what is happening here and now. Anxiety in the face of danger will prevent us from dealing with it effectively.
Worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives us something to do but it does not lead us anywhere. It will not diminish the chances of something happening; in fact, it often contributes to our worst fears materializing because it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
We must bear in mind that, as Albert Ellis said, “The great majority of the things we now make ourselves panicked about are self-created ‘dangers’ that exist almost entirely in our own imaginations.”
Most of the feared events tend to have a less catastrophic emotional impact than we imagine. However, the anxiety and fear generated by their anticipation represent a psychological cost greater than the feared situation itself.
7. It is easier to avoid certain responsibilities and difficulties in life than to face them
Why is it an irrational idea?
Although sometimes it is easier to procrastinate, this usually brings negative consequences. Often the weight of deferred tasks is greater than the energy they demand to be achieved.
We must remember that self-confidence and resilience are strengthened when we face difficult situations, not when we avoid or try to ignore them. Avoiding them only tends to increase the degree of insecurity and distrust in ourselves.
8. It is normal to depend on others because we need someone stronger to trust
Why is it an irrational idea?
As social beings, interpersonal relationships are an important source of security and emotional validation. However, we cannot get to the point of letting the others think or choose for us.
The more we depend on the others, the less we choose for ourselves and the more we let ourselves be carried away by the opinions and desires of the others. The more we leave the important decisions in the hands of the others, the less opportunities we will have to learn, so that we feed the cycle of dependence and insecurity.
9. When something from the past shocked us, it will continue to affect us indefinitely
Why is it an irrational idea?
The past influences the formation of our personality. There are experiences that mark us and psychological traumas difficult to overcome, no doubt, but that does not mean that they must become a burden that we drag forever, preventing us from becoming the person we want to be.
We must be careful not to use the past as an excuse to avoid facing the changes demanded by the present and thus not making the personal effort necessary to move forward. The past should be only a valuable life experience, not an area to camp in indefinitely.
10. We must feel very concerned about the problems of the others
Why is it an irrational idea?
In a society that promotes extreme altruism, if we do not worry about the problems of the others we believe that we are bad people. However, we must bear in mind that worry, without occupation does not take us anywhere, apart from the fact that each person must approach their own difficulties.
Solving problems in their place will not help them grow. On the contrary, it will avoid all the obstacles that can boost your resilience and help you develop your skills. We should not feel obliged to take on the problems of the others, especially if those people do not take on their own responsibilities.
11. You always have to maintain control and aim for perfection
Why is it an irrational idea?
There is neither total security nor absolute perfection in the world. The search for absolute certainties generates only anxiety and false expectations that join us in a loop in which, the more we try to grasp control, the more it escapes us.
At the same time, the incessant search for perfection makes us fall into pathological perfectionism, a state in which we uselessly waste a huge amount of energy without ever being satisfied.
12. We do not control our emotions, happiness is something that simply happens
Why is it an irrational idea?
We have enormous power to build our thoughts and feelings, although we usually do not exercise it because we are used to reacting instead of acting.
Life is difficult, and sometimes it gives us surprises that can generate intense emotions, but we have the possibility to stop, think and choose how to act in those circumstances. We can choose more positive and constructive thoughts that improve our mood and that, in the long run, make us happier. Happiness is not something that simply happens, it’s a personal decision.
