In popular culture, romantic relationships are ubiquitous. They are the leitmotif of millions of movies and books that extol the romantic myth of the better half or soul mate. And yet, everything seems to indicate that we enjoy solitude more and more. The number of single people has grown in most Western countries.
In Spain, for example, there are 14.4 million people without a partner, two million more than just a decade ago. Although the most interesting thing is that the number of people who do not even intend to establish a stable long-term relationship has also skyrocketed.
Recently, a survey by Yale University sociologists found that for 39% of singles in the United States, having a long-term romantic partner was not important at all. However, interest changes depending on previous experience and differs between heterosexual men and women.
The emotional weight of marriage
These researchers analyzed almost 600 heterosexual adults with an average age of 50 who were not in any romantic relationship. They were asked how important it was for them to have a long-term partner and their answers differed depending on their life experiences:
- 28% of those who had not had a romantic relationship said they were not interested in having a partner.
- 32% of those who had had a romantic relationship, but had never married, confessed that they had no interest in looking for a partner.
- 41% of those who had been married said they did not want to enter into another relationship.
The first conclusion that can be drawn is that for many people, marriage acts as a deterrent to new relationships. However, there are gender differences: women who have not had a stable partner are more likely to look for one than men, but interest in them reverses after a relationship.
More than half of women who had been married (about 55%) confessed that having a romantic partner was not important at all, compared to just over 30% of men. These significant differences indicate that the experience of marriage is not as negative for men, but it leaves an imprint on many women, decreasing their desire to repeat the experience.
Why do women suffer greater emotional exhaustion in marriage?
A survey conducted at Stanford University found that women are more likely to file for divorce than men: 69% of all divorces in the United States were filed by women, compared to 31% for men.
After ten years, 37% of men return to a stable relationship, but only 22% of women return to a relationship, according to a study by Bowling Green State University . Obviously, there are always exceptions to the rule, but this data confirms that marriage tends to be more emotionally draining for women. Why?
One possible explanation comes from a previous survey according to which 46% of women stated that their partners increase their stress level. Specifically, husbands stress women 10 times more than their children.
Many of those surveyed indicated that their partners gave them “more work” than their children and that their childish attitudes made them very uncomfortable. Others complained that their partners did not contribute enough to household chores, leaving them with virtually no free time to rest. There were even those who pointed out that they found marriage itself stressful because of the effort it required day after day.
In fact, several studies have indicated that marital satisfaction is usually higher in men than in women. Research conducted at the Institute for Social Research in Michigan revealed that, in the case of women, relationship satisfaction depends largely on reciprocity and the emotional support received.
How to avoid that invisible burden in relationships?
Decades ago, sociologist Jessie Bernard concluded that “marriage was good for men, but not for women.” He maintained that men and women live in different worlds, so they perceive and experience marriage differently.
Today gender roles have changed a lot, but everything seems to indicate that in many relationships, female expectations are not met, so in the long run the relationship stops being satisfactory or can even leave a mark that makes many women think that it is better to be alone than in bad company.
Obviously, as is the case with the results of epidemiological psychological studies, there are always exceptions. Some women may be eager to remarry and some men will be more reluctant to repeat the experience.
Most importantly, however, we take note to continually measure the “temperature” of the relationship and ensure that it meets the emotional needs of both partners.
References:
Tessler, H. et. Al. (2024) Love as a Low Priority: Gender and Relationship History Differences in Singles’ Value of Romantic Partnership. Social Currents: 10.1177.
Brown, S. L. et. Al. (2019) Repartnering Following Gray Divorce: The Roles of Resources and Constraints for Women and Men. Demography; 56(2): 503-523.
American Sociological Association (2015) Women more likely than men to initiate divorces, but not non-marital breakups”. En: ScienceDaily.
Acitelli, L. K. & Antonucci, T. C. (1994) Gender differences in the link between marital support and satisfaction in older couples. J Pers Soc Psychol; 67(4):688-98.
Fowers, B.J. (1991) His and her marriage: A multivariate study of gender and marital satisfaction. Sex Roles; 24: 209–221.
