Verbal abuse in the couple does not come out of nowhere. It is usually a situation that has been brewing for a long time, so insidious that sometimes the victim wonders if he’s not exaggerating or perhaps even blaming himself.
Worst of all, is that verbal violence in the couple occurs in the private sphere, so it is difficult to detect. In fact, often people rationalize the abuse in their minds and don’t even realize that it is an unhealthy form of communication. However, that does not make it less distressing, nor it minimizes the damage it causes to the self-esteem of the sufferer.
Half of the people have suffered verbal violence in the couple: Why?
The abuse is not just physical. In fact, there are many types of violence and verbal violence is one of them. Words can hurt as much as a blow. In fact, a study conducted at Case Western Reserve University revealed that emotional abuse in relationships can be just as harmful as physical abuse, both generating low self-esteem and leading to mental problems such as depression.
Unfortunately, verbal abuse in a couple is much more common than we might think. A nationwide survey conducted in the United States revealed that 47.1% of women and 47.3% of men report having experienced emotional abuse and assault by their partner.
Verbal violence in the couple is so common due to the very nature of the relationship. When you live with a person for a long time, you are more likely to become the scapegoat on which you take out your frustrations.
The bond of trust also plays against it since it breaks the social barriers of containment that we normally have in relationships with others. This makes it easier to express negative emotions in a more impulsive way, which can end up turning into full-blown verbal violence.
Many times the verbal abuse in the couple is established gradually, as a pattern of communication, so that sometimes the victim does not even realize it. For this reason, it is important to understand the different forms that verbal abuse takes, to nip them in the bud as soon as they appear.
The most common types of verbal violence in the couple
1. Degrade and humiliate the partner
The couple’s relationship must become a source of trust, a support for both members. Unfortunately, this is not always the case. When one of the people tries to impose his point of view by gaining a position of power, he is likely to try to degrade and humiliate the other.
Abusers can make you feel bad about yourself through phrases like “you’re useless,” “you embarrass me,” or “you’re worthless.” These types of phrases, repeated over time, take a toll on the victim’s self-esteem, making him think that he cannot aspire to anything better, thus managing to keep him trapped in that abusive relationship.
2. Destructive criticism
Criticism is important for growth as it points out our mistakes, but when it is too much and is done inappropriately, it ends up being destructive. In the couple relationship, if one person is too critical, he may be exercising psychological violence against the other.
Destructive criticism goes far beyond honesty, since its objective is not to improve the other, but only to keep him subdued, affecting the image he has of himself. Phrases like “you always ruin everything” or “you are a mess” do not help to solve anything and lead to a significant loss of self-esteem.
3. Continuous and unfounded accusations
Continuous accusations are not only a form of verbal violence in the couple, but also a relatively common tactic of manipulation. In many cases they are caused by intense jealousy, such as when the partner is accused of dressing inappropriately or talking too much.
These accusations are aimed at undermining the person’s independence and autonomy, making him believe that the other’s jealousy and insecurities are his responsibility. In this way, the manipulative person weaves a web around the other, constantly questioning not only his behavior, but also his feelings and way of being.
4. Sarcasm
Verbal abuse in a couple does not occur only through humiliation, insults and shouting. Sarcasm is also a form of abuse that causes deep damage to a person’s self-esteem. In fact, it is passive-aggressive behavior.
The sarcastic person usually makes comments with a mocking tone that become hurtful to the listener. In this way, he turns his partner into the center of his offensive comments, generally belittling him and making him feel bad about himself.
5.Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a tactic used by manipulative people through which they make their victims doubt of themselves and the reality. This type of emotional abuse is particularly harmful and insidious when it occurs in a couple because it takes away to the person his self-confidence, thus leaving him at the mercy of the other, whom he sees as his source of security.
Gaslighting can take many forms. It can occur when the person tries to convince his partner that he is wrong. He/she may question his/her version of the events or even his/her judgment and feelings. These people will check everything the other says, undermining his/her opinions with phrases like “are you sure? What you’re saying is not true.”
6. Blaming
Guilt is one of the most common forms of verbal abuse. It implies blaming the other directly or indirectly for the couple’s problems or even one’s own responsibilities. In this way, one of the members disengages while discharging on the other the weight of the relationship.
The phrase “look what you made me do” is the perfect example of this type of manipulation, in which all the responsibility falls on the other person. In the long run, this creates psychological exhaustion, damaging the self-esteem and self-efficacy of the other, who will end up feeling guilty for the problems of the relationship. Thus, he can force the other to do things that he does not feel comfortable with or that even go against his own interests.
7. Indifference
Verbal abuse in a couple does not always occur through hurtful or harsh words. Sometimes it takes the form of silence and indifference. In fact, emotional invalidation is a powerful manipulative weapon within intimate relationships that are supposed to be a source of emotional support.
Silence becomes a weapon of manipulation when it is used to try to break the will of the other. It is, therefore, a form of emotional abuse in which the word is withdrawn in an attempt to punish, manipulate or hurt the other.
If you feel like you’re constantly nervous, like walking on broken glass, when you’re with your partner, you may be experiencing some form of verbal violence. It is important to set limits and talk about the harm that certain words or attitudes cause you.
Any type of verbal abuse in the couple is an alert sign since it will end up putting your mental balance and well-being in check. You don’t have to stay in an abusive relationship, although at times you may feel trapped. Don’t give in to another’s attempts to control you, manipulate you, or undermine your identity. Talk to someone close to you or ask a mental health professional for help so you can get the support you need.
Sources:
(2017) The National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey. In: CDC.
Karakurt, G. & Silver, K. E. (2013) Emotional abuse in intimate relationships: The role of gender and age. Violence Vict; 28(5): 804-821.
