“It’s not that big of a deal.” How many times have you heard that, or said it to yourself, trying to downplay what worries you and keeps you up at night? Probably too many times, far more than is advisable.
And so, little by little and with the best of intentions, you end up minimizing what you feel. You learn to downplay your hurts, to ignore your feelings and pretend that nothing is wrong. You learn to stay silent. To endure. To say you’re fine when you’re really not.
And all of this happens because many people around you don’t understand what you’re going through. But when they tell you it’s not a big deal, you end up believing it. You minimize your emotions, sweep your suffering under the rug, and turn a deaf ear to the signs that something is wrong.
The problem isn’t (just) what happens to you, but how you force yourself to live through it
Everyone experiences things through their own life story, their sensibilities, their expectations, and their context. It can’t be any other way. And that means that what one person considers “nonsense” can have a profound impact on another. Both experiences are perfectly valid.
However, we live in a culture that, in a way, hierarchizes suffering. Sometimes, it feels like there’s an official scale of pain according to which your situation almost never scores enough points to give you permission to cry or simply feel bad. A clear example is when your pet gets sick or dies.
There are always people who, in an attempt to cheer you up, will say things like, “There are worse things,” “Don’t exaggerate,” or “That’s nothing, I’ve been through something worse.” And although they often say it without meaning any harm, those words invalidate the discomfort and suffering, to the point that you begin to doubt yourself and wonder if you’re too sensitive, if you’re really exaggerating, or if you’re weak.
Of course, questioning and challenging our perspective is healthy and beneficial, but there’s a huge difference between that and minimizing our feelings and ignoring our worries simply because others don’t understand. And our emotional well-being lies within that crucial gap.
Science confirms it: Minimizing emotions is harmful
In the early 1990s, psychologist Marsha Linehan warned that growing up or living in environments where emotions are ignored, ridiculed, or minimized increases the risk of suffering from anxiety, depression, emotional dysregulation, and even developing borderline personality disorder.
People whose emotions are not validated not only feel misunderstood, but are often ashamed of their emotional states and end up developing self-harming behaviors.
More recent studies on emotional regulation indicate that when someone learns to constantly suppress or question their feelings, it activates a pattern of chronic stress. As a result, it should come as no surprise that emotional suppression is associated with poorer psychological well-being, more depressive symptoms, and impaired relationships.
In other words, silencing your feelings doesn’t make you stronger; it makes you more fragile inside because it’s a form of emotional abandonment or neglect. When you fall into emotional invalidation, you do to yourself what others have done to you. You don’t listen to yourself; instead, you tell yourself you don’t deserve attention or care. And that distances you from yourself, building a very harsh internal relationship in which you demand unwavering resilience from yourself and don’t allow yourself to rest because you convince yourself it’s not such a big deal.
Over time, this leads to deep emotional exhaustion, fuels a silent resentment towards yourself, and extends a constant sense of existential emptiness.
You don’t need permission to feel what you feel
One of the most important and liberating lessons is understanding that you don’t need to justify your emotions. In life, you may have to explain your beliefs, substantiate your ideas, or argue your opinions, but you don’t have to apologize for what you feel.
You don’t have to prove that what hurts you was “severe enough”.
You don’t have to convince anyone of what you feel or don’t feel.
And you don’t have to compare yourself to others either.
What you feel is a deeply personal experience. You may be sad, angry, hurt, or disappointed. And all of that is valid, even if others don’t share or understand it.
Obviously, that doesn’t mean endlessly playing the victim , wallowing in pain, or dwelling on the drama. It simply means acknowledging what’s happening to you, being aware of what’s affecting you, and allowing yourself to feel it, simply because it’s important to you, even if it isn’t to others.
Interestingly, people who are able to validate themselves and don’t minimize their emotions tend to recover faster, simply because they don’t waste so much energy fighting against what they feel. When you learn to listen to yourself, validate yourself, and treat yourself with compassion, you stop depending on others to legitimize your pain and begin to rely on your own resources. In the long run, this will not only make you stronger but will also help you live more peacefully – that incredible peace that comes from living in harmony with yourself.
References:
Gross, J. J. & John, O. P. (2003) Individual differences in two emotion regulation processes: Implications for affect, relationships, and well-being. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology; 85(2): 348–362.
Linehan, M. M. (1993) Cognitive-behavioral treatment of borderline personality disorder. Guilford Press: New York.
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