Relational stress, the invisible weight of ties

Relational stress is probably one of the greatest sources of tension we experience throughout our lives. The bonds with those around us bring joy and meaning, but they can also become an inexhaustible source of conflicts that take a heavy toll on us.

Relational stress, in particular, is usually caused by deep differences in opinion, values ​​or ways of seeing life, but when it becomes chronic it is generally due to the establishment of dysfunctional relational dynamics characterized by blurred boundaries and unrealistic expectations.

What is relational stress – and what’s not?

Relational stress refers to interpersonal experiences that cause distress and tension, to the point that our brain responds as if we are in danger. Unlike the stress we may experience when a major life change occurs, such as the loss of a loved one or moving to a new city, in this case the source of anxiety lies in the interactions.

Therefore, this type of stress occurs when two factors come together:

• Increase in interpersonal tension , either due to the escalation of a latent conflict or the appearance of a new problem that casts a shadow over the relationship.
• Perceived inability to manage this new obstacle , so that the conflict or problem exceeds our coping abilities, generates confusion and causes anxiety.

However, the main characteristic of relational stress is that it is destined to last. That is, it is difficult for us to identify its cause and nip the problem in the bud because it generally does not depend only on us, so it often continues to grow, causing more and more tension.

It is worth clarifying that relational stress does not refer to those specific arguments or friction that we can have with our partner, children or even friends. It is a response to a situation of tension sustained over time that wears down the relationship and well-being of those involved.

What causes it? Virtually any disagreement can trigger it, but it is fundamentally fueled by frustration. Relational stress is due, to a large extent, to the helplessness generated by not being able to move forward and feeling that for some reason we are chained to a relationship that generates so much tension.

How to detect relational stress in your daily life?

Relational stress is often insidious, so we don’t always realize it’s present, until there comes a point where it becomes unbearable and we start to wonder what’s going on. However, the symptoms that warn of its arrival are:

1. Emotional tension that is exacerbated by the prospect of meeting the person.
2. Feeling of physical and psychological exhaustion after the meeting, even if there has not been a discussion per se.
3. Excessive and constant concern about the direction of the relationship that generates deep discomfort.

As a result of this stress sustained over time, it is not unusual for us to develop a state of irritability and emotional instability. We will have emotions on the surface and we will react in an exaggerated way to situations that in other circumstances would not have bothered us.

At the same time, this nervousness will worsen the relationship itself. Stress increases conflict, becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy. When we meet that person we will be hypervigilant and with a defensive attitude, which will make us more likely to argue about anything. This will further aggravate the problem, further tense the interaction and increase the stress we feel, plunging us into a vicious circle.

The dilemma of interpersonal relationships: They nourish us and steal energy

We are social beings, we need to relate to others. These bonds nourish us and allow us to grow, as the psychologist Lev Vygotsky would say, “Everything that is intrapsychological, at some point was interpsychological .” However, interactions also require energy – and a lot of it.

Although we are used to interacting since childhood, social interactions require complex processing at the brain level. Not only do we have to constantly enter and exit our “self” but also try to connect with the other to understand what they want by analyzing both their words and the non-verbal clues they leave in the communication. It is a complex bidirectional emission-decoding process.

When we relate to others, we must keep in mind what we want and ask ourselves what the other wants to reach some intermediate point. Sometimes it is easy and everything flows, but other times communication is difficult because, although we are not fully aware, each interaction is like a negotiation session.

In this sense, a study recently carried out at the University of Kansas revealed that we consider that social interactions that require more communication, offer more interaction options or are established with people we know less are more intense and consume more psychological energy. As a result, after these “intense” encounters we tend to isolate ourselves, probably because we need to regain strength.

Relational stress occurs when we fail to recover quickly enough from those draining relationships or we do not have the necessary coping resources to protect ourselves from the negative influence exerted by other people. In these cases, tension accumulates until it becomes a chronic stress disorder that will not only rob us of mental peace, but can even make us sick.

The 3 essential steps to reduce stress in your relationships

There are people who live every day angry with the world, with a negative and highly toxic attitude. Deep down, these people are probably suffering, but those who must deal with them also pay the price. We can’t always change their attitude, but we can learn to deal with these persons by shielding our mental balance. How to achieve it?

1. Keep it up. First, ask yourself what you can do to relieve interpersonal tension. If you give ground, could the relationship improve? Or maybe it’s a problem of setting clearer personal boundaries and enforcing them. Stop for a second and recognize that you have a problem that you need to solve. Consider possible solutions and explore various paths. Talk about what you feel with that person and listen to what he has to say. Sometimes just taking matters into your own hands and starting to take small steps is enough to reduce stress.
2. Flow and accept. Secondly, you need to learn to flow. Not only will it reduce relational stress, but in a general sense it will lessen the impact of life’s blows. And to really flow with events, you’ll have to practice radical acceptance. If you decide to maintain the relationship with that person, you may have to accept that they will not change, so it is best not to overstate their attitude (as long as it is not abusive, obviously). We all have flaws, try to focus on the things you share, rather than those that separate you.
3. Disconnect. Thirdly, remember that there will always be people who cause us stress. It may be about their personality, way of behaving or because of the big differences. In those cases, it would be advisable to monitor your energy level, as you do with your finances. Imagine that you have a limited amount and you must decide how to spend it. If you don’t set limits for yourself, you’ll waste your energy on less important things and people who aren’t a priority. Therefore, make sure you give each thing, situation and person the energy it deserves, no more and no less. And don’t forget to disconnect whenever you can to recharge your batteries and prevent tension from building up. This way you can save energy to dedicate it to what really matters to you, nourishes and grows.

To top it all off, don’t forget that relational stress is always a two-way path. Interacting with some people may be difficult and generate tension, but approximately 50% of your response will depend on your attitude and expectations about that relationship. If you learn to flow more and take things less personally, stress will remain at tolerable levels.

References:

Hall, J. A. et. Al. (2023) Social Bandwidth: When and Why Are Social Interactions Energy Intensive? Journal of Social and Personal Relationships; 40(8): 10.1177.

Hostinar, C. E. (2015) Recent Developments in the Study of Social Relationships, Stress Responses, and Physical Health. Curr Opin Psychol; 5: 90–95.

Jones, W. H. et. Al. (1985) Relational stress: An analysis of situations and events associated with loneliness. En S. Duck & D. Perlman (Eds.), Understanding personal relationships: An interdisciplinary approach (221–242). Sage Publications, Inc.