“Be strong,” our parents used to say.
“Be resilient,” we say.
The words have changed, but the essence of the message is the same: you have to endure.
And of course, sometimes there’s no other option but to be strong. But sometimes we end up enduring the intolerable, wearing ourselves down inside for no other reason than that commandment to stoically endure against all odds.
Resilience, a powerful concept that is often misunderstood
Resilience is on everyone’s lips. The concept has jumped from Psychology to popular culture, becoming a kind of alpha and omega, a useful “superpower” to withstand the blows of a life that seems increasingly capricious and chaotic.
However, when we uncritically immerse ourselves in a culture that idolizes resilience and celebrates those who “keep going” despite everything, a culture that believes the strongest are those who carry the heaviest burdens and never complain, we have a problem on our hands. And it’s not a small one. Because true strength lies not in enduring the unbearable, but in having the courage to say “enough” and change what needs changing, or simply walk away from what harms us.
Endure ≠ Strengthen
Resilience is the dynamic process of adapting in the face of adversity. It implies, on the one hand, that we must expose ourselves to a particularly difficult situation and, on the other, that we have the capacity to achieve positive results despite the circumstances or even because of them.
However, a growing body of research criticizes the tendency to view resilience as a kind of silent invulnerability, ignoring the fact that many people simply survive without truly being well or without emerging stronger from the painful experience. In other words, resilience isn’t about “bouncing back” and “moving on” or thinking we’re strong because we endure without saying a word.
When we assume that resisting is synonymous with strength, we are more likely to endure situations that we shouldn’t have to put up with and to resist without limits, as if accumulating scars made us deserving of some kind of emotional medal.
There are situations that should not be tolerated. In such cases, enduring the unbearable can become an act of covert passivity. It erodes our self-efficacy and, far from making us stronger, traps us in a state of learned helplessness that drains our vital energy. Then resilience becomes toxic.
Accumulating scars doesn’t make you a hero, it turns you into a punching bag
In the popular imagination, there’s a heroic and romanticized view of injuries, equating them with displays of strength. However, this narrative often overlooks a crucial detail: repeated harm doesn’t always make us more resilient; sometimes it only traumatizes us, leaving us more vulnerable or pushing us to withdraw into ourselves, turning us into cynical, distrustful, or bitter people.
Every time we ignore a sign that something is wrong, we allow the problem to fester. And that accumulation of scars isn’t a trophy of endurance, but rather a sign that we’re carrying too much weight without taking a break, or that it’s time to set boundaries.
By romanticizing resilience (whether it’s all those sleepless nights or the burden we carry alone), we’re actually glorifying an imbalance. And that can lead others (or ourselves) to think that “toughing it out” without complaining is the right thing to do.
But that’s not the case. Or at least not always.
Relentless emotional resilience is not a virtue; it’s merely a survival mechanism that ultimately erodes our mental health. In fact, research has shown that toxic resilience perpetuates a “toughing it out” mentality, which ultimately impairs our sense of control and purpose in life, making us more susceptible to emotional burnout.
A new narrative for resilience: choosing how long and how to endure
Let’s imagine for a moment that the narrative of resilience focuses not only on enduring but on choosing. That it ceases to be a trophy of scars and becomes an act of coherence with ourselves. From that perspective, the most resilient person is not the one who endures the most, but the one who listens to themselves, decides, and acts the most. The most resilient person is not the one who falls the most times, but the one who chooses to get up the most times and takes steps to avoid stumbling over the same stone twice.
The key lies in transforming the narrative of toxic resilience that equates strength with enduring into a truly empowering resilience that gives us the strength to decide and act accordingly.
1. Recognize when you have endured too much
Ask yourself: “Am I enduring this because I truly have no other choice, or because I was taught that I have to put up with it?” We often continue to resist out of simple emotional inertia, fear of disappointing others, or a reluctance to admit that something hurts more than it should. Recognizing that breaking point isn’t giving up; it’s the beginning of regaining control. When you acknowledge it, you stop being a victim and can consciously choose how to move forward.
2. Distinguish the difference between adapting and resigning
Adapting involves flexibility and movement. Resignation is immobility disguised as patience. The difference lies in their effects: one transforms, the other stifles. True resilience is a dynamic process of interaction between the individual and their environment, not simply “enduring without complaint.” Therefore, being resilient is not about putting up with injustice, but about seeking new ways to experience it or trying to leave it behind.
3. Take a step, even if it’s small
It’s not enough to simply convince ourselves that something has to change: we have to dare to take a step, however small. Saying “enough” isn’t a failure; it’s a form of self-care. In fact, that decision might require more courage than all the previous effort to resist. It could mean ending a draining relationship, seeking professional help, changing a habit, or simply ceasing to say “yes” when we want to say “no.” Every action breaks the cycle of passive resistance. Don’t resolve to “Just endure a little longer” when you’ve already put up with enough; relief begins with movement, not necessarily when everything is resolved.
Ultimately, we should stop romanticizing those who stay when everything is pushing them to leave and start celebrating those who choose to change, those who respect themselves, those who rise or withdraw with dignity. Because true strength lies not in enduring whatever comes, but in recognizing that even endurance has its limits. And you, who are feeling this, who are acknowledging it, and who may be thinking of saying “enough,” should know that this, too, is strength and courage. And you deserve to have it recognized.
References:
Maslach, C. & Leiter MP. (2016) Understanding the burnout experience: recent research and its implications for psychiatry. World Psychiatry; 15(2): 103-111.
Luthar, S.S. et. Al. (2000) The construct of resilience: a critical evaluation and guidelines for future work. Child Dev; 71(3): 543-562.
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