“If you never want to be frustrated in your desires, desire only what depends on you,” Epictetus advised. The Stoics firmly believed that a virtuous and balanced life required discipline and, above all, the ability to keep desires under control.
Today, however, society encourages us to want everything – and to have it now. Advertising and social media are saturated with messages and images of what we should achieve, possess, and be. Dazzled like moths to a flame by this simplistic and easy image, our expectations skyrocket to stratospheric levels.
The result usually doesn’t take long to arrive: anger, frustration and disappointment when life shows us beyond a doubt that it has other plans for us.
If your happiness depends on having everything handed to you easily, prepare for disaster
When we internalize the idea that life should flow smoothly, any setback feels like a Greek tragedy. We begin to believe that comfort is the norm and that effort is a sign that something is wrong. And of course, when reality doesn’t match that script, frustration multiplies.
The problem is that we feed these kinds of unrealistic expectations every day without realizing it. When we see perfect lives on social media or hear success stories on podcasts, we assume that if something takes time or is difficult, it’s because we’re failing.
This ends up reshaping our tolerance for frustration and discomfort. Instead of cultivating patience and effort, we nurture a kind of silent demand: everything must be quick and easy.
Then we fall into a psychological trap: the more we expect everything to be easy, the less capacity we develop to tolerate frustration and persevere, something inevitable in real life. In the end, we don’t suffer so much because things are difficult, but because we think they shouldn’t be.
Unrealistic expectations are what cause us to collapse, not the challenge itself. What could have been a surmountable obstacle with a little perseverance becomes a drama simply because it doesn’t fit the narrative we’ve told ourselves. Obviously, that’s the perfect recipe for psychological breakdown.
Life has no shortcuts
Life has no shortcuts – even though we sometimes delude ourselves into believing otherwise. We’re seduced by the idea of arriving sooner, of skipping steps, of obtaining results without going through the entire process involved in achieving them.
However, the truth is that almost everything worthwhile requires effort, perseverance, and even a degree of sacrifice. Life isn’t a motivational message written on a mug or a t-shirt. Wanting satisfaction without commitment, and the result without the journey, is like wanting to run a marathon without training (we might dare, but we’ll only hurt ourselves badly).
Sometimes we fall in love with the idea or the outcome without asking ourselves if we’re prepared to go through the process. However, if we set the bar so high, we have to be willing to make the corresponding effort. Dreaming big is fine, but every dream has an emotional and practical price that we must be prepared to pay.
It’s not about giving up on ambitious goals, but about understanding that they involve sacrifices, time, patience, and discipline. Effortless success is a fantasy that only exists in movies or motivational messages.
And if we’re not willing to make that sacrifice, that’s okay too. There’s no point in pushing ourselves to the point of breaking down or leaving important parts of ourselves behind. Sometimes, lowering the bar a little isn’t giving up, but rather being realistic about our time, energy, or circumstances.
Psychological maturity also involves being able to separate the wheat from the chaff. That is, recognizing what we truly want and what we want only due to social pressure. Not everything in life has to be epic; there are small achievements that bring us satisfaction and happiness. In fact, for Epictetus, true freedom and happiness didn’t come from nurturing great desires, but rather the opposite. He believed that “Happiness does not consist in acquiring and enjoying, but in desiring nothing.”
Of course, reaching that level of “aspirational nihilism” is difficult. The key lies in finding a balance: choosing goals that inspire us and embracing the effort they entail, while letting go of desires that aren’t truly aligned with our identity, but rather respond to societal expectations of what we’re supposed to achieve or be.
There are no shortcuts in life, but there are paths we can travel lighter when we stop demanding the impossible of ourselves. Happiness doesn’t come from having everything immediately, but from committing to what we choose and being honest about what we can give and achieve at each stage of our lives. That is the greatest success – even if it doesn’t always seem like it.
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