Many people think that for love to flourish, sacrifices are essential. These people tend to be so committed to relationships that they are willing to make all kinds of sacrifices to satisfy their better half. They believe this is the right, and only, way to maintain a happy and lasting relationship. In fact, they equate love with sacrifice.
The problem begins when these people expect others to acknowledge their sacrifices without having to ask, when they expect the same dedication. When they notice that their efforts aren’t recognized or aren’t “adequately” rewarded, they begin to harbor resentment. This resentment causes the person to change, but the other person fails to understand what has happened, what caused this transformation. That is the beginning of the end.
Making your partner happy at the expense of your own happiness worsens the relationship
Some people simply “give” naturally; it’s their way of being, and they feel happy about it. In fact, genuinely offering help and making sacrifices for the common good can actually be healthy and lead to greater long-term happiness and satisfaction for both partners. The problem arises when a “communion without palliatives” develops.
In these cases, at the other extreme, we often find the “receivers.” It’s not that they’re selfish or inconsiderate; they just feel more comfortable receiving. If someone offers to care for and pamper them, they’ll gladly accept that offer.
When two people with these characteristics meet, they can establish a toxic relationship, since in an attempt to conquer and satisfy the person playing the “receiver,” the “giver” will make ever greater sacrifices, secretly hoping that their partner will do the same.
In the end, what happens is that the “receiver” doesn’t give much, so the “giver” ends up assuming their partner’s needs, interests, and preferences as their own. In some cases, the commitment and sacrifice are so great that the person can become nullified in the relationship, beginning to live for and by the other, losing their voice and vote.
In fact, the word sacrifice comes from the Latin words “sacer” and ” facere ,” which literally mean “to make sacred.” This implies that, at its core, this unconditional surrender involves a certain degree of veneration of the other, despite oneself; it’s as if one were placing the other on a pedestal, assuming a lesser role.
The most important question: What drives you to sacrifice?
In a way, the most important thing is the motives that drive a person to make a sacrifice. In fact, we make sacrifices for many reasons, but not all of them lead to happiness. A good question to ask is: Are you willingly sacrificing to make your partner happy, or are you trying to avoid conflict?
– Avoidance sacrifice. These are sacrifices motivated by the desire to avoid conflict. The person thinks they’ll feel bad about the step they’re about to take, but that at least they’ll avoid a problem in the relationship. In reality, this isn’t the case. When avoidance is at the root of the sacrifice, the decision typically undermines happiness and minimizes the satisfaction of both partners.
– Sacrifice for closeness. In this case, the sacrifice is made to make the partner happy, like when personal goals are postponed to help the other achieve their dream. In this case, sacrifice can increase trust and satisfaction, as long as it doesn’t become the norm.
– Transactional sacrifice. In some cases, the sacrifice isn’t made to satisfy one’s partner, but rather to use it as a bargaining chip. There’s nothing wrong with negotiating with one’s partner, but making sacrifices only to have them thrown in one’s face or trying to collect payment for them will cause terrible damage to the relationship, generating deep disappointment and resentment in one’s partner.
– Sacrifice due to exhaustion. Psychologists from the University of Maryland and the Free University of Amsterdam conducted an experiment in which each partner had to ask strangers uncomfortable questions, but they could divide the number of people each interviewed. They found that those who felt more emotionally and intellectually exhausted were more likely to sacrifice themselves for their partner. This suggests that when we’re exhausted, we tend to make decisions based on our tendency to help our loved one. We’re also more likely to give in to pressure, which in romantic relationships involves meeting the other person’s needs. Conversely, when we have good self-control, we don’t give in so easily to the first impulse; we stop to consider all the factors, not only the other person’s needs but also our own.
Every relationship is a matter of two
Love is a two-way equation, which means it takes two committed people to make it work and be mutually beneficial. If only one of them gives, the relationship will be unbalanced and one-sided. Ultimately, the giver will end up drained and feel deeply depleted and neglected.
As a result of this constant giving without receiving, their emotional needs go unmet, until they reach a point where they feel a deep emptiness and disappointment. In fact, we must not forget that giving brings happiness, but we also need to receive .
On the other hand, the recipient, who is accustomed to receiving without commitment or giving much in return, may not even realize there is a problem. However, in the long run, this imbalance will ruin the relationship because the emotional needs of one partner remain unmet.
Building a balanced relationship
Your wants and needs are just as important as those of your partner. It’s important for both of you to discuss your needs and expectations for the relationship and be completely honest. When each person knows what they want and expect from the other, as well as what they’re willing to give in return, a mature and balanced relationship can be established where blame has no place.
Love and relationships don’t have to be synonymous with sacrifice, but rather with mutual commitment. It’s normal to want our partner to be happy, but we must also put our own happiness first.
Every relationship should be a space for mutual growth and development, where both partners find the support and encouragement they need to continue growing as individuals. It should also be a space for enjoyment and a source of well-being, not a heavy burden that generates discomfort and dissatisfaction.
References:
Righetti, F. et. Al. (2013) Low Self-Control Promotes the Willingness to Sacrifice in Close Relationships. Psychological Science ; 24(8): 1533-1540.
Pocheptsova, A. et. Al. (2009) Deciding Without Resources: Resource Depletion and Choice in Context. Journal of Marketing Research ; 46(3): 344-355.
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