Sooner or later, when we meet up with friends or family we haven’t seen in a while, they end up asking us: Do you have a partner yet?
When we refuse, a look of pity spreads across his face. It may only last a few seconds, but our well-trained brains detect it.
When that experience is repeated over and over again, we end up feeling sorry for ourselves. “After all, so many people can’t be wrong,” we think to ourselves.
And then we start to feel bad because we don’t have a “better half.” We wonder what’s wrong with us. How is it possible that everyone else already has a partner and we don’t?
And we start seeing flirty couples everywhere: in the park, at the restaurant, on TV… At that point, some begin a slightly desperate search for a partner. Because even though they felt complete before, now they believe they’re missing something.
They have become victims of the myth of the better half or the soul mate.
The terrible myth of the better half and its consequences
John Lennon said: “We were made to believe that each of us is half an orange, and that life only has meaning when we find the other half. We weren’t told that we are born whole, that no one in our lives deserves to carry the responsibility of completing what we lack .”
Our happiness depends exclusively on us; we should not place it on someone else’s shoulders because it not only implies giving up control of our lives but also burdening someone with a responsibility that is not theirs.
Unfortunately, over the centuries, the idea has grown that there is someone out there who perfectly complements us, who is made for us, a soul mate without whom we are incomplete and unhappy. In fact, various children’s stories we heard as children confirm this idea.
The problem is that when we find someone and the first problems begin to arise, we give up because we think they’re not the “right person.” We don’t realize that the “other half” doesn’t exist and that relationship problems are commonplace. The difference lies in how we face and resolve them.
If we decide that the person at our side is truly worth it, we strive to find a middle ground. Only then, in the long run, does that person become someone who makes us grow.
In fact, the differences that arise in a relationship become challenges that allow us to grow. It’s not about the other person complementing us, but rather about encouraging us to push our limits. It’s not about the person at your side doing what you don’t know how to do, but rather teaching you, so that you can grow alongside them.
It doesn’t matter if they love us “a lot” but rather that they love us well, and better every day.
Love yourself and then love
Happy people are happy regardless of whether they have a partner. It’s true that having someone who supports us, understands us, and loves us unconditionally is precious, but it shouldn’t be a sine qua non for happiness. We shouldn’t subordinate our happiness to finding that other half.
In fact, if you’re unhappy, you’re likely to remain unhappy in your relationship. The secret lies in loving ourselves unconditionally, and then loving another person in the same way. Because love isn’t a panacea and it won’t fill the existential holes in the soul.
The mature relationship described by Erich Fromm in his book “The Art of Loving” implies that both partners must be independent, whole, and happy. Only then can they grow, supporting each other.
Obsessing over finding a partner isn’t a good idea. Instead, make sure you feel good about yourself. When you project that feeling, you’ll be able to find someone, not to stop feeling lonely, but to truly share your life and grow. Otherwise, it’s pointless.
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