Our greatest satisfactions and joys come from interpersonal relationships. Our greatest misfortunes too.
Imbued from birth in different social groups, it is not strange that conflicts often appear that alter our mental balance and that can even take us to the limits of tolerance. However, in some cases the problem is even worse because these are not specific situations but recurring conflicts.
In fact, it is not unusual to find people who constantly complain about the fact that, in one way or another, they always end up becoming “victims” of others. These are people who, even if they change jobs, cities or groups of friends, end up falling into the same patterns of toxic relationships. These people are not toxic, the problem is that with their behaviors and attitudes they attract those who are toxic.
What exactly are toxic relationships?
A relationship is toxic when it prevents you from developing your potential and makes you feel bad. From this perspective, toxic relationships can be established not only with your partner but also between parents and children, with friends and even with coworkers.
In a healthy relationship, each person contributes a part of themselves, giving the other person a certain freedom and contributing to their growth. In a toxic relationship, one person tries to dominate and manipulate, even in spite of the other person’s needs and interests. As a result, the victim feels unhappy. If this situation is not resolved, over time it can even lead to psychological problems, such as depression or deep damage to self-image and self-esteem.
What are the most dangerous types of toxic relationships?
1. Relationships whose goal is to “fill” a person
There are those who think that their life will be more complete and wonderful if they find another person with whom to share their dreams and misfortunes. It is true that finding someone with whom to share our dreams, someone who supports us in the most difficult moments, is comforting. However, for a relationship to be healthy and mature, each person must first be healthy and mature, separately.
The idea that the other person will fill the void is wrong. In reality, these people are unable to get rid of their misery and boredom, so they end up feeling frustrated and blaming the other person. It is not a good idea to jump into a relationship to fill personal gaps. Only when we love ourselves will we be able to fully love others.
In addition, in these relationships, one person is burdened with the responsibility of “completing” the other. And in the long run, this role becomes very burdensome and negatively affects the quality of the relationship, causing it to deteriorate.
2. Relationships in which one person takes control
Power struggles occur in most interpersonal relationships, some of which are more visible, others are implicit. However, once the relationship is established, each person assumes a role and power is distributed as evenly as possible. However, there are cases in which one person takes the reins of the relationship.
At first, this situation may even seem comfortable because the other person is the one who decides and assumes responsibility. However, this type of relationship is very limiting because one of the parties loses the right to give an opinion and to decide, loses their autonomy, independence, self-esteem and self-confidence. Therefore, that person will feel trapped, with no chance of growing.
Every relationship involves cooperation. Both people need to be involved and feel free to express their opinions and for them to be taken into account. Decisions must be made by mutual agreement, not by imposition or by abandonment of rights.
3. Relationships based on unrealistic expectations
There are people who do not accept others but try to change them, they want them to become someone in their image and likeness and to meet all their requirements. In these cases, the relationship has not started with the “real” person but with the “ideal” person. For example, someone may start a relationship thinking that the characteristics they do not like about the other person will disappear.
However, the basis of every interpersonal relationship is acceptance. Relationships based on unrealistic expectations lead to frustration and suffering in the long run because disillusionment soon sets in.
On the other hand, the person who is asked to change will feel inadequate because he or she perceives that he or she is not valued for what he or she really is, but is instead the object of constant criticism. In the long run, this type of relationship ends up being very damaging because one person fails to accept and the other, no matter how much he or she changes, will never be able to meet expectations.
4. Co-dependent relationships
In this type of relationship, both people are dependent, adopt a passive role and lose their individuality. It is curious because neither person adopts the dominant role, but both need the approval of the other to make any decision, even the smallest one. This is because they constantly prioritize the needs of the other over their own.
In this relationship, each person dissolves into the other, to the point that both practically become addicted to the relationship. Although at first glance this way of relating may even seem ideal, the problem lies in the fact that these people tend to accumulate a lot of resentment since, although they have chosen this type of relationship, they end up blaming the other for their failures and bad decisions.
In reality, in a relationship both people must take responsibility for their actions. It is important to count on the other person to make decisions, but that does not mean that we lose our identity.
5. Blackmailing relationships
In this type of relationship there is always a manipulator, someone who knows the other person’s weak points perfectly and who does not hesitate to use them to his advantage to get what he wants. This person maintains the relationship only because it is convenient for him, but he will not hesitate to get rid of it when he does not need it.
In this relationship, one person submits to the other because they feel guilty. The person feels trapped in an emotional web and is afraid to escape because of the consequences their decision could have.
In the long run, a relationship with a blackmailer ends up being very costly, especially on an emotional level. So it is better to cut it off because these people will not stop making increasingly abusive demands.
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