Housework is the fourth most important reason for discussion among couples, according to a survey recently conducted in the United States. Although the other’s attitude and communication style can exasperate us, the distribution of domestic activities creates infinite daily friction. After all, dishes don’t wash themselves!
However, those small arguments over who washes the dishes, does the laundry, or cleans the house are not as “small” or innocuous as they seem. In reality, they may end up taking a heavy toll on the relationship.
The risks involved in arguing over stupid things
When we are in a relationship, setbacks, disagreements and problems become occasions to bring our fears, insecurities, frustrations and anxieties to light. All these emotions are manifested through everyday situations.
As a result, small mistakes – such as leaving the TV remote control somewhere else, forgetting to wash the dishes, not lowering the toilet lid or deciding who should take the child to school – become a cause for discussion.
However, these seemingly inconsequential fights become subjective affronts in the eyes of the other, so it is not unusual for both members to end up hurting each other emotionally, leaving behind a trail of negativity.
In fact, everyday arguments over petty issues actually have a deeper meaning: They are triggers that bring out more complex emotions and conflicts.
Obviously, every relationship has its sensitive points, whether it is a matter of lack of commitment, disagreements in raising children, conflicts with families of origin or even jealousy and infidelities. However, regardless of the conflict simmering beneath the surface, those dirty dishes in the sink become the straw that breaks the camel’s back and brings forth anger, resentment, and frustration.
When conflicts become elephants in the room that cannot be talked about, latent emotions are channeled through small daily battles over irrelevant issues that end up increasing differences, so that being together stops being pleasant and becomes hell.
The inability to assertively express emotions such as frustration or anger causes them to accumulate and end up coming to light in the worst way, generating constant friction among the couple.
Many people do not realize it, but these daily fights end up eroding the relationship because they generate a climate of tension and discomfort that fuels the basic conflict. If you ignore the negative emotions, you will be able to reconnect, but with each argument your trust and love will be eroded a little more.
Over time, those small couple arguments over trivial things will get worse, making each member feel more alone, sad, misunderstood and hurt. Instead of holding hands, they point fingers at each other. Instead of talking calmly, they reproach and hurt each other. Instead of remembering what unites them, they focus on what distances them.
In this way, positive feelings are replaced by frustration and anger, until it reaches the point where negativity prevails and “erases” all the good stories, pleasant memories and feelings of communion. That gray perspective spreads like a cloak that covers everything the other does. The attitude becomes negative and even leads us to think that the relationship has always been a disaster.
What petty fights hide
Couples will always have to deal with disagreements and arguments since, at the end of the day, they are two people who usually have different life stories, communication styles, and ways of seeing life.
However, it’s important to keep in mind that arguing about dirty dishes or the TV control is just the tip of the iceberg. These fights focus on what is seen, when in reality the greatest danger is hidden beneath the surface. That is why it is essential to become aware of the real problem.
On many occasions, arguments between couples over trivial things occur due to the inability to address the problem maturely. When we have not developed conflict resolution skills and nurture insecurities, it is difficult to confront differences constructively, so we end up arguing over trifles.
For this reason, it is important for both of you to ask yourself why you explode when you see the dirty dishes in the sink or the toilet seat raised. What is this anger really due to? We must try to go beyond banal explanations and delve deeper into the situation of the relationship. Spending more time in the kitchen arguing over who should wash the dishes will not help. These arguments are like a little Band-Aid: they make us feel like we’ve solved something, but only serve to heal superficial scratches, not deep injuries. And what is at the root of these fights is not a simple logistical problem, but an open emotional wound.
If you feel like you fight for nothing and get nowhere or you always argue for the same reasons, it is likely that deep down there is a lack of understanding or an unmet emotional need. You may need to talk about commitment, decision-making, or clarifying expectations about how the relationship will work.
How to deal with arguments as a couple over trivial things?
Many people see conflict in a relationship as a sign of incompatibility, but it only means that the relationship needs a good deal of understanding. Problems are an opportunity to learn more about the others. They are simply a reminder that a relationship is made up of two different people who must work to understand their differences and love each other despite their “flaws.”
To approach these situations assertively, keep in mind that what is important is not the fight itself or the issue being discussed, but how each member responds to negative emotions in the relationship. When a problem arises, you have to take a step back to ask: what do you expect from me? or what do you need me to do? Obviously, it is also necessary to listen to the other person to understand their perspective.
When understanding, empathy and love are activated, fights over dirty dishes will become less and less common since you will both feel heard and understood, in addition to receiving the emotional validation you need. You have to focus on building a “positive vision” of the relationship, which consists of remembering everything you share and how much you love the other, regardless of their “defects” or everyday mistakes and expectations.
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