At some point in our lives, we’ve all intensely desired something. If you think back, you’ll remember that your mind was obsessed with it, with achieving what seemed like a true “elixir of happiness.” You didn’t think about anything else.
At that moment, what we wanted to possess was really possessing us, literally, because our minds had entered a kind of tunnel in which there was only room for one objective and our range of interests had been reduced to obtaining that thing.
That’s why great philosophers have been warning us for centuries about a truth as simple as it is forgotten: whatever you try to possess, will possess you. And they weren’t referring only to material possessions but also to relationships with other people or achieving a certain social status.
Aparigrajá: The practice of non-possession and detachment
Eastern philosophy has always championed minimalism. Jainism and yoga encourage people to limit their possessions to the bare essentials. Taoism and Buddhism encourage the practice of detachment. This approach to life can be summed up in a word from Sanskrit: aparigraja.
According to these philosophical systems, we shouldn’t cling to things because this only causes suffering, anxiety, and fear of loss. On the contrary, being aware that everything comes and goes is extremely liberating.
This doesn’t mean giving up on setting goals or not aspiring to certain things. In fact, tunnel vision can be helpful when we have to finish an important project because it helps us stay focused on our objective. However, we can pursue our dreams from a detached position. This way, we’ll be able to enjoy the journey much more while we work toward achieving our goals.
To better understand this concept, we can think about our reaction when we put our hand near a fire. If we put it too close and get burned, we’ll instinctively withdraw it immediately because the pain triggers a physical response.
However, the same is not true of emotional pain. Even if someone is hurting us or the pursuit of a goal is causing us deep unease, we continue to hold our hand in the fire and in some cases don’t even consider the possibility of withdrawing. Thus, we end up fueling our own suffering, dissatisfaction, and unhappiness.
Eastern philosophies offer us a very simple secret to avoid that additional dose of suffering: when pursuing something, whatever it may be, becomes an obsession and a source of dissatisfaction, withdraw your hand from the fire. That is the key to avoiding unhealthy attachment and preventing things from taking over.
The risks of over-identification
The danger of possession doesn’t end once we obtain what we desire. On the contrary, in some cases, possessing that object, beginning that coveted relationship, or achieving a certain social status is the first step toward the disintegration of the self.
How many times does a relationship end up generating such a strong emotional dependence that one partner’s personality is practically swallowed up by the other? How many times does the person end up disappearing behind the social role or profession conferred by their new status, forgetting who they are?
We’re no better off with products. In fact, one of the most terrible enemies that consumerism and advertising have created is making us identify with the things we buy, to the point that our identity and worth are reduced to what we can buy and show to others.
The most desirable products, the ones people are willing to wait in long lines and pay exorbitant prices for, are those that promise a different status, a move to a higher level of happiness. These products aren’t simple updates to old technologies; they promise an “upgrade of our identity” because the old one has become obsolete and we no longer like it. And that means we’ve come to see ourselves, and even worse, value ourselves, through what we can own.
At this point, the solution is obvious: we are not our possessions, but neither are we the relationships we maintain or the social status we have achieved. All of these are part of our lives, but our “self” is much richer. Let us always remember the phrase by the Italian poet Arturo Graf: “The more a man possesses, the less he possesses himself.”
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