Have you ever thought you have a knack for making the wrong choices? As if some invisible magnet pulls you, time and again, in the same direction to make the same mistake. The faces change, the jobs change, the settings change… but the script repeats itself. And you end up asking yourself: “Why does the same thing always happen to me?” Perhaps the answer isn’t outside, in chance or bad luck, but within: in what, deep down, you believe you deserve.
Imagined merit, that unknown and implacable judge
We all function with internal operating models, which are nothing more than cognitive maps, representations, schemes or scripts that we build based on attachment figures and the relationship we establish with them.
From the moment we are born, we create and organize a series of internal representations of the most relevant aspects of the relationships we have maintained with attachment figures (generally our parents, grandparents or siblings).
Repeated experiences generate certain expectations about our relationships, which end up generalizing, guiding and shaping our relationship with others and even with ourselves. Within these internal operating models lies imagined merit; that is, the intimate perception of how much affection, attention, respect, or well-being “is due” or that we deserve.
Obviously, it’s not that we go through life saying or thinking, “I think I only deserve indifferent partners and bosses who don’t value me” or “I deserve a mediocre job.” But the truth is that we often act like this (even without realizing it) and make decisions based on what we believe we deserve – or don’t.
Imagined merit acts as a kind of internal thermostat. Thus, when something is too good and exceeds our internal level of deserving, it can make us uncomfortable or even trigger the typical thought, “It’s too good to be true.”
Conversely, when something negative aligns better with our expectations of what we deserve, we tolerate it more readily. Without realizing it, we end up repeating a pattern: we don’t choose what’s optimal or best for us, but rather what’s familiar, what we believe we deserve, and what fits the internal narrative we’ve constructed that guides us.
The self-verification bias, the trap to validate our self-concept
If you grew up hearing that you were “difficult,” “too sensitive,” “too intense,” or if your early relationships invalidated your emotional needs, you are likely to later interpret emotional availability as a rarity, almost as a luxury that you may not be able to afford.
Thus, the mind designs choices that are consistent with this expectation of “not too much.” Not too much affection, not too much attention, not too much stability, not too good…
In this regard, a classic experiment revealed that we are victims of what is known as self-verification bias. These psychologists found that:
- We use social interactions as opportunities to verify and confirm our self-concept.
- We seek more social feedback when we believe it will confirm our self-concept.
- We tend to remember social feedback that confirms our self-concept.
And that holds true even when we have a negative image of ourselves, because the familiar simply feels “safer” than the unknown, even though what we don’t know might be better.
The problem isn’t self-esteem, but the script we follow.
It would be simplistic to attribute all those bad decisions to low self-esteem. Self-esteem isn’t a switch you turn on and off; it’s more like a script you repeat in your mind. It’s a narrative pattern that can recreate scenes of sacrifice, salvation, abandonment, struggle, surrender, and redemption over and over again.
Some people have come to believe they are only worthy when they are useful; others when they give in; still others only when they are brilliant or make sacrifices. Thus, without realizing it, they seek out situations and make decisions that allow them to act according to this mental script.
From that perspective, the problem isn’t so much choosing “wrong,” but rather choosing from an outdated and obsolete perspective. In other words, making important decisions while hiding behind a role that probably no longer fits our current life.
Changing that mental script isn’t as simple as changing partners, jobs, or cities. It involves changing the lens through which we view the world and ourselves.
Another path is possible
A widespread fallacy is the belief that you must first love yourself and “feel worthy” in order to then make better decisions. In reality, it can also be the other way around. The perception of deserving is built from small acts of self-affirmation, small decisions we make every day that empower us by demonstrating our worth.
Rejecting what harms us, or conversely, daring to accept what is good for us. Stopping before we begin to justify the unjustifiable. Asking for clarity. Setting boundaries in time, even if our voice trembles. Choosing the kind gesture and the path that allows us to grow and explore our true potential.
Each of these decisions and actions has a cumulative effect, reshaping what we consider “normal.” Internal operating models change, so that what once seemed “too much for you” begins to be simply acceptable.
Because, ultimately, it’s not true that you always choose wrong; it’s that you almost always choose from an “old self” that pushes you toward what you believe you deserve. Therefore, remember that accepting what you find in your path is not a neutral act. Every decision you make reveals something about what you believe you deserve, what you are capable of enduring, and what treatment you consider reasonable.
Source:
Swann, WB & Read, SJ et al. (1981) Self-verification processes: How we sustain our self-conceptions . Journal of Experimental Social Psychology; 17(4): 351-372
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