When someone comes to us worried or distressed, our first impulse is to offer advice – or several. We assume the role of “solutionist” and often even get angry when that person doesn’t follow what we have suggested. However, the truth is that in the vast majority of cases, people are not looking for advice but just for understanding. They don’t need to be told what to do, they just need to be listened to.
Frustration, a two-way street
When a person feels upset about something, it is normal for them to seek emotional support from those around them. If we rush to provide solutions, we may be failing in our primary task: emotional validation.
When we don’t listen but instead offer solutions, the person seeking support feels frustrated because they haven’t found the understanding they were hoping for. At the same time, the person providing support also feels frustrated because they don’t understand why the other person doesn’t follow their advice to fix things.
Of course, we all know how frustrating it can be to see an obvious solution to a problem, to want to help someone solve it, and they don’t follow our advice. But we also know how unpleasant it can be when someone doesn’t listen to us and validates our discomfort, doesn’t take a minute to put themselves in our shoes and try to understand the crossroads we’re at.
The difficult art of putting yourself in someone else’s shoes
People can carry around latent conflicts for a long time ; that is, they can walk around with a pebble in their shoe. The pebble is annoying, but perhaps not so much that they have to stop and take it out, or the conditions simply aren’t right for doing so. This is the case, for example, of a person who doesn’t like many aspects of their job, but doesn’t want to leave it because it’s well paid. Or someone who maintains a complex family relationship because they don’t want to completely cut ties.
In life, few things are black or white. And many times, seemingly negative situations that we complain about also generate a kind of “secondary benefit.” In those cases, what we look for in the other is an attentive and understanding ear that helps us continue to deal with that situation in the best possible way. Maybe we don’t take the step because we are not prepared or simply because we don’t want to since the benefits still outweigh the losses.
We all need that kind of emotional support from time to time. And finding someone who simply tells us to quit work or cut ties doesn’t help. Of course, such practical advice isn’t wrong, it’s just not the right thing to do at the time. That’s why the key to truly helping sometimes lies in being sensitive enough to figure out when it’s just necessary to listen and when it might be helpful to offer advice.
The 3 keys to helping
In a world full of noise and opinions coming and going, the simple act of listening has become something extraordinary. Truly listening, connecting emotionally with the person in front of us, is an underrated, but powerful art. Reflective listening can be more effective than good advice.
1. Recognize that there are different requests for support
Just because someone has a “problem” doesn’t mean they don’t deserve the chance to express their feelings and receive validation. Maybe the solution is to get that pebble out of their shoe, but they probably aren’t ready yet and at that moment they just need to be heard. Perhaps that attentive listening is much more transformative than unsolicited advice, because being able to talk to someone about what is bothering them will help them to get their mind in order and psychologically prepare themselves to make a decision.
2. Do not keep repeating advice that falls on deaf ears
Sometimes we can become like a broken record, which is common in close relationships. We often believe that if we repeat something enough, the other person will eventually give in. This is not always the case. In fact, sometimes we can even create resistance. So if we know that a person only needs emotional support, it is useless to continue giving them only practical advice. They will not feel heard and we will end up frustrated.
3. Ask what they need
We often assume that the person who comes to us is incapable of solving the problem. This is not always the case. Therefore, when faced with uncertainty, the best thing to do is to ask. A question as simple as “Would you like to just talk or do you want me to give you some advice?” will help to clear up any doubts and connect with the other person’s emotional needs.
In any case, we must remember that advice is only a possible solution. The person is not obliged to follow it. We must remember that, as a rule, when someone comes to us it is because they feel emotionally vulnerable. In that situation, the first thing they need is to feel protected, listened to and understood. Once we have established that connection and satisfied their emotional needs, we can move on – with tact and sensitivity – to the search for solutions, always trying to put ourselves in the other person’s shoes.
