Are you setting boundaries or avoiding emotional commitment?

“I set boundaries because I value myself.”
“If someone is toxic, I cut them out of my life without a second thought.”
“No drama. I don’t want commitments.”

These words sound powerful, modern, and even empowering. The enormous popularity of psychology in recent years has taught us that it’s important to set boundaries to protect ourselves. However, we must be careful because sometimes what we call “setting boundaries” is nothing more than an excuse to avoid emotional commitment.

Sometimes, it’s not that you don’t want ties, it’s that you don’t know how to connect or aren’t capable of commitment. It’s not that you want to get away from a toxic person, it’s that you don’t know how to deal with differences or dissent. Sometimes, you’re not setting boundaries, but rather erecting a veritable emotional Berlin Wall. And that’s not good, intelligent, or healthy.

In the age of liquid relationships, commitment dissolves

We live in an era of liquid relationships, as Zygmunt Bauman would say: bonds that are created and destroyed with immense ease in the blink of an eye. Bonds without structure, without depth, without time to get to know each other and mature.

When we’re constantly running around and so busy, relationships become a burden. In an individualistic society that has embarked on a frantic race for success, relationships become a burden.

“ Modern liquid reason sees oppression in lasting commitments; lasting bonds
arouse its suspicion of a paralyzing dependency. This reason denies the
rights of ties and bonds, whether spatial or temporal. For the modern
liquid rationality of consumption, there is neither need nor use that justifies their
existence. Bonds and ties render human relations ‘impure,’ just as
would any act of consumption that provides instant gratification as well
as the instant expiration of the consumed object ,” Bauman wrote in his book “Liquid Love.”

As a result, we run the risk of embracing a self-centered discourse disguised as personal empowerment. We use boundaries as barriers to avoid over-connecting. But sometimes we’re not setting boundaries, but rather erecting a wall with a sign that says, “No one enters here, not even love.”

Deep down, we sometimes use this rhetoric to avoid facing the natural discomfort that comes with building something that demands permanence, care, and responsibility. In a world where we want everything right away, the patience to build relationships has vanished, so it’s easier to dismiss the other person as toxic at the first setback or conflict and move on to the next relationship—which will be just as fragile and ethereal.

The fear of emotional commitment and the lack of emotional responsibility

What’s behind this tendency? Usually, fear. Fear of losing autonomy, of being vulnerable, of being hurt, of the other person staying, or, worse yet, of abandoning us, leaving a wound that’s difficult to heal.

Erich Fromm, in “The Art of Loving,” argued that love is not a romantic feeling that magically appears, but rather an act of will that involves responsibility, emotional commitment, care, understanding, and mutual respect.

He explained that “loving someone is not merely a powerful feeling. It is a decision, a judgment, a promise […] To love means to commit oneself without guarantees, to give oneself totally in the hope of producing love in the person one loves.”

However, if being emotionally involved involves caring, knowing the other person deeply, respecting their boundaries, and assuming a degree of effective responsibility… then it also involves relinquishing some control. And that’s truly frightening.

Committing to someone means putting yourself out there. It means being available. It means giving in sometimes. It means listening when you’re tired, even when the conversation gets awkward. It means staying when it would be easier to walk away.

Obviously, if we have generations who have grown up enjoying a near-permanent sense of well-being with very few obligations and restrictions, it’s understandable that they want to prolong that state into adulthood and develop a real fear of commitment when they understand or sense all that it entails.

So how do I know if I’m setting boundaries or avoiding emotional committment?

The current discourse is very focused on protecting oneself. And that’s legitimate. Of course. But emotional growth also includes taking risks, connecting, and being able to relate to people who won’t always do what we expect or want. Therefore, it’s important for us to be able to know if we’re setting appropriate and healthy boundaries or just using a defense mechanism.

You are setting healthy boundaries if:

• You do it from calm and awareness, not from fear or anger.
• You express what you need clearly, without punishing the other or disappearing.
• You choose to leave some people out of your circle of trust, but you are emotionally available to those you choose.
• You are able to negotiate, compromise on non-essentials, and grow with others.
• You can talk openly about your emotions, even if they make you uncomfortable.
• You are tolerant of differences, so you can disagree without attacking or feeling constantly attacked.

You are avoiding emotional commitment if:

• You cut ties quickly when someone gets too close or you notice yourself getting emotionally involved.
• You always justify yourself with phrases like “I don’t need anyone  or “nobody understands me ”
• You feel the need to escape at the slightest gesture of intimacy or that might imply some responsibility.
• You use the “limits” discourse as an excuse not to delve deeper into your relational fears.
• You don’t allow people to get to know you well; you create a barrier that prevents closeness and intimacy.
• You are afraid of abandonment or rejection, so you prefer to end the relationship first.

A useful exercise to elucidate your feelings is:

Make a list of your last five emotional breakups or significant distances (not just with your partner, but also with your friendships).

Ask yourself:

• Did that person really violate important red lines or was it a reaction to me feeling vulnerable?
• Did I clearly express what I felt and wanted or did I simply disappear?
• Did I feel guilt or relief with the distance?
• What were you avoiding by cutting that link?

Answering honestly might be uncomfortable… but it could also open the door to more authentic, healthy, lasting, and fulfilling relationships.

Boundaries are not there to protect you from living or loving, but to grow in a healthy way

Boundaries are meant to allow you to create the necessary conditions for growth without destroying yourself. But if your boundaries become a permanent shield, you’re protecting yourself so much that you’re probably also preventing growth.

Interpersonal relationships are not only essential for building a support network that sustains us through difficult times, they also help us mature from shared emotional commitment or even from differences.

So the next time you feel like you need to “set a boundary,” ask yourself first:
Am I really taking care of myself, or am I just trying to escape?