We talk every day. But we don’t usually pay enough attention to the words we choose, even though they reveal a lot of information about us and reveal even our deepest and most unconscious tendencies.
The truth is that we choose the words we use like we choose the clothes we wear or the color we paint the walls of our house; That is, we mix unconscious and rational elements. Words, in particular, are especially powerful, emotional and evocative tools. Their choice is not as accidental as we think.
In fact, to some extent we are all “linguistic chameleons” since we change the way we speak to adapt to our interlocutor. We do not address our partner in the same way as we do a work colleague or a stranger. However, despite these differences, there are underlying patterns that reveal our most deep-rooted psychological tendencies, especially at the level of emotional language.
The words that reveal the level of emotional responsibility
“Small emotions are the captains of our lives and we obey them without even realizing it,” said Vincent Van Gogh. If we are able to understand and manage them assertively, they will become the compass that guides us, but if we blame others for them, we will develop a locus of control external that will turn us into victims while we transfer the full weight of our responsibility onto others.
And the words we choose reveal precisely our level of affective responsibility. In fact, there are different ways to express what we feel.
For example, when we are angry or frustrated we basically have three options to verbally express that discomfort:
- Personal approach. Phrases like “I’m angry ” indicate that we take responsibility for the emotion we are experiencing because we use the first person singular: “I”
- Blaming approach. Phrases like “You made me angry ” indicate that we are trying to transfer responsibility for the emotion we are feeling onto our interlocutor
- Impersonal approach. Phrases like “They made me angry ” reveal that we are projecting our responsibility onto an external, often vague entity, such as authority or rules, using imprecise language
The difference is subtle but important because when we develop an emotional language based on a locus of control internal we are aware that:
- We are responsible for our reactions, emotions and decisions
- We maintain control of the situation
- We reserve the right to decide how to act
- We are the true architects of our lives
On the other hand, when our emotional language reveals a locus of control external:
- We cede control of our reactions and emotions to other people or forces
- We assume the role of perennial victims and feel miserable
- We blame others, forcing them to bear our discomfort
- We fall into learned helplessness because we believe we cannot change
How to assertively use the language of emotions?
The words we use end up shaping our perception of reality. They literally determine how we see the world and, therefore, can expand or limit our universe of options to change what we don’t like.
For example, if we think: “My boss drives me crazy,” we will believe that the problem lies with that person and, therefore, the only solution we will consider will be to change jobs (or fire the boss, but that is not usually an option). On the other hand, if we think: “I feel frustrated when my boss gives me confusing instructions,” we will have detected the problem and can address it to try to solve it.
To take responsibility for our feelings, the ideal is to change our emotional language assuming this linguistic framework:
- Observation. Refer to specific facts and data without making value judgments
- Feeling. Indicate how you feel by speaking in the first person
- Need. Point out the need that underlies that feeling
- Application. Propose a specific action that can satisfy your need, as a proposal, not with a demanding attitude
If you apply that strategy, you will have a phrase like: “When ______, I feel ____, because I need to _____. Therefore, I would like _____.”
For example: “When you ignore me, I feel bad, because I need to know that I am important to you. Therefore, I would like that next time we could talk.”
In the case of a boss: “When you don’t give me enough information, I feel frustrated because I need to know what I should do. Therefore, I would like you to be more specific next time.”
Last but not least, it is essential that you are able to distinguish between causes and triggers. When something provokes an emotional response, it is because it has touched one of your sensitive points. We all carry emotional baggage, so we are more sensitive to certain attitudes, words or events.
But these events are not the ultimate cause of your discomfort, but only a triggering factor. You can’t change everything that bothers you in the world – much less blame others – but you have the chance to react better to those events. And you can start by changing your emotional language. Your mental health will thank you.
Source:
Rosenberg, M. B. (2003) Non violent communication. A language of life. Encinitas, CA: PuddleDancer.
