The fear of disappointing others is much more widespread than it seems. It does not always manifest itself in an obvious way, but it is usually latent, tipping the balance of our decisions and influencing our behavior. It is not strange if we take into account that we are social beings and, as such, we need some social approval.
“No man is an island entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main”, as John Donne wrote. We don’t live apart from the others, so it’s understandable that we don’t want to let them down. However, the line between complacency and submission is very fine and it is not difficult to cross it when the fear of disappointing people grips us. For this reason, perhaps one of the most important lessons in life is to leave behind the burden of complacency.
The exhaustion of trying to please everyone
The philosopher Byung-Chul Han believes that we live in a burnout society. Much of that exhaustion is mental and derives from all the responsibilities and obligations with which we overload ourselves. Much of that exhaustion comes from trying to handle everything, please everyone, and fit in with everything. Obviously, it is an impossible mission destined to fail.
And worst of all, we spend a lot of energy trying not to disappoint others. We not only have to make sure that we are likable but also that the others perceive us as likable. It may seem the same, but it is not.
Managing the way we are perceived is a full-time job, because it demands that we continually put ourselves in the other’s shoes to understand their expectations and try to meet them.
The result is that our attention is continually focused on what the others want, running the risk of forgetting what we ourselves want and need. The energy we spend managing others’ experience and perception of us, the attention we devote to avoiding other people’s disappointment or disapproval, threatens to become a veritable black hole that sucks our vitality and energy.
Of course, it’s nice to be accepted, respected, valued, and loved. Social rejection and contempt hurt physically. However, if that acceptance implies the denial of who we are – of our desires, dreams and aspirations – we have a problema, because the only thing we will cultivate is a deep internal disappointment.
For fear of not disappointing others, we end up disappointing ourselves. As Rita Mae Brown said, “The reward for conformity is that everyone likes you but yourself.”
The 3 essential steps to overcome the fear of disappointing
1. Assume that you cannot please or satisfy everyone
Worrying about what others think of you is normal, but up to a point. We can’t like everyone. Nor can we meet the expectations of everyone around us. Being yourself involves the risk of rejection. Of course, but you can take that rejection as a screening. In other words, a filter in your relationships that will help you identify people who do not share your ideas, values, world view or way of being. In fact, have you ever wondered if you might not be interested in sharing your life with them?
2. Look inside yourself
Many times, driven by the fear of disappointing those closest to us, we lose contact with our inner world. We pay so much attention to what they expect of us that we fail in our main obligation: to discover who we are and what we want. Perhaps you have become so used to anticipating what others want that you unconsciously adjust what you think and feel to fit their mold. However, breaking the deep-seated habit of pleasing others requires some self-awareness. Therefore, it is important that you do an introspection exercise and start paying attention to what you really want. Every time a “should” resonates in your mind, ask yourself what you really want.
3. Learn to manage the flood of negative emotions from others
The fear of disappointing others stems largely from the avalanche of negative emotions we receive. When we don’t meet the expectations of the others and don’t do what we’re supposed to do, the others express disappointment, often flavored with dashes of frustration, sadness, or anger. Being the object of those emotions is not pleasant, especially when they come from significant people. However, it is the cost of daring to be yourself. Therefore, you need to learn how to deal with those negative emotions. Assume that they are perfectly normal and that if that person really appreciates you, sooner rather than later they will understand that you have the right to choose freely.
Finally, remember that your desires and needs are important too. We don’t become people pleasers overnight, so we also cannot overcome the fear of disappointing others overnight. It is a daily practice and a process that involves choosing authenticity over complacency. You have to take small steps and take small risks. Sometimes, it is easier to start with those people who are not so significant to get used to the emotional response that disappointment generates.
In any case, it is also important to keep in mind that being willing to disappoint others to protect our freedom of decision and build the life we want does not imply becoming selfish, kamikazes of the truth or insensitive people. There are assertive ways to assert our rights and behave authentically without hurting the others.
