It’s happened to all of us. Someone comes to you, tells you their story, you take it seriously, you roll up your sleeves, you offer the best advice you can think of (from the heart!)… And then that person goes and does the opposite. Or nothing at all. And you’re like: Seriously? Why are you asking me then?
At that point, a silent anger begins to brew. That small internal fire that starts with “what a waste of time,” progresses to “if he’s not going to listen to me, then he shouldn’t tell me anything,” and ends with “next time, don’t count on me.” Sound familiar?
Advice is not a contract
First of all, let’s lay our cards on the table: when someone asks us for advice, they’re not signing a contract. They’re consulting us. It’s a bit like when you go to the doctor and, after hearing their diagnosis, decide to continue the treatment… or get a second opinion. In either case, the final decision is yours.
The confusion arises when, without realizing it, we add an implicit expectation: “If you ask me for advice, you’ll listen to me.” But that expectation isn’t built into the bargain. It’s an internal creation, a subtle trap of our ego. If we’re convinced we’re capable of giving good advice and someone doesn’t follow it, we assume they don’t value our judgment and feel they’re ignoring us or wasting our time.
In fact, we sometimes confuse advising someone with being right. When we assume this, ignoring our advice is perceived as a personal rejection—not only of the proposal we made but of our identity, of who we are.
However, people decide not to follow advice for countless reasons. It may be that they didn’t see it clearly enough. It may not have been the right time. Or they simply didn’t want to do it. Even the emotions they were experiencing at the time influence the likelihood of following the advice, according to a study conducted at Harvard University and the University of Pennsylvania.
Therefore, the golden rule for giving advice and not getting angry if they don’t listen is to remember that: “advice is not a command, it’s just a point of view.” Giving advice is like offering a map: the other person must want to reach the destination and choose the path.
Giving advice without attachment, an art that is trained
Giving advice with the best of intentions… only to have it completely ignored is frustrating. It’s like preparing a gift with care and having it left in a corner. However, science reminds us that only 30-40% of advice is accepted and put into practice, even that which comes from experts. Therefore, you need to change your mindset: advice isn’t an obligation but a way of supporting others. This way, you’ll live more peacefully.
1. Let it go and release it
When you give advice, do it like someone throwing a bottle into the sea. It might reach its destination. But it might also stay floating in the water for a very long time. And that’s okay. If what you said was valuable, maybe the person will appreciate it later. And if not… don’t obsess. Ultimately, it’s not your battle or your decision.
2. Ask before you jump into an opinion
We often give unsolicited advice. And that tends to irritate the recipient, not only exponentially increasing the likelihood that it will fall on deaf ears. The solution? Before launching into advice, ask: “Do you want me to share my thoughts, or do you just need to vent?” It seems silly, but it completely changes the dynamic. Remember that people often just need emotional validation, not someone to solve their problems.
3. Remember that you too have ignored advice – probably a lot of it
Be honest: How many times have you been given advice you didn’t follow? Exactly! And not because you despised the person who gave it. It just didn’t fit. You weren’t ready. Or you wanted to try something different on your own. The same thing happens to the rest of the world. So don’t get upset if someone doesn’t follow your advice.
4. Don’t turn the advice into a loyalty test
Sometimes we’re more offended by someone’s disregard for our advice than by the problem itself. As if advising someone and them not doing what we say is an act of betrayal or a personal affront. But it isn’t. It’s a choice. And our emotional maturity is also measured by how we manage that disagreement without breaking the relationship. The person asking you for advice values your opinion, experience, or knowledge, but they don’t always have to agree with you.
5. Set limits if the pattern repeats itself
Now, all of this doesn’t mean you have to always be available to those who only ask for your advice and then ignore them. If someone comes to you repeatedly with the same problems, asks for your advice, but never listens, and you don’t have the energy for more… you have the right to say “no.”
Not with resentment. Not with sarcasm. Just with clarity: “Look, I’m sorry about what you’re going through, but I think every time we talk about this it doesn’t really help. I don’t want to repeat the same conversation. If at any point you’re really willing to change something, I’m here.”
References:
Gino, F. & Schweitzer, M. E. (2008) Blinded by anger or feeling the love: How emotions influence advice taking. Journal of Applied Psychology; 93(5): 1165–1173.
Bonaccio, S. & Dalal, R. S. (2006) Advice taking and decision-making: An integrative literature review. Organizational Behavior and Human Decision Processes; 101(2): 127-151.
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