Managing, not repressing, emotions in a relationship is often a balancing act. If we give free rein to our emotions, we might say things we later regret or make rash decisions driven by anger, resentment, or fear. It’s undoubtedly difficult to be emotionally faithful to our partner, express what we feel, be authentic, and at the same time exercise a degree of emotional self-control to keep things from getting out of hand.
Therefore, in certain situations, we may hide our frustration over a minor mistake our partner made, or we may feign joy over news that deeply moves the other person. Sometimes we think that faking these emotions is an act of love, or a strategy to avoid unnecessary conflicts. However, can hiding emotions and feelings take a toll on a relationship?
A study conducted at the Ruppin Academic Center and the Academic College of Tel Aviv-Jaffa was the first to explore the impact on couples of two emotional management strategies: hiding negative emotions and faking positive emotions. Specifically, the objective was to assess how these strategies affected partners’ satisfaction in their relationships.
Researchers surveyed 404 people, average age 32, who had been in a relationship for at least six months. These individuals were asked to complete tests about their level of introversion/extroversion, how frequently they hid negative emotions such as nervousness, hatred, and anxiety in their relationship, and how frequently they feigned positive emotions such as happiness, worry, and love. They also answered several questions about their level of satisfaction with their partner, as well as how frequently they experienced stress-related health problems, such as fatigue and headaches.
The results showed that hiding negative emotions led to greater dissatisfaction than faking positive emotions. However, what was most interesting was the link the researchers found with the participants’ personalities. Extroverts felt worse when hiding negative emotions than introverts. However, both felt equally bad when faking positive emotions.
When it comes to health issues, it was found that extroverts had more difficulty hiding their emotions, which is because they are used to expressing their feelings, while introverts tend to keep them under wraps.
What is the lesson for the relationship?
These results only prove something we already knew: authenticity and trust are fundamental aspects of maintaining a relationship and feeling good in it. If we’re forced to hide the emotions we experience and need to pretend things we don’t feel, sooner or later that lack of emotional congruence will take its toll.
To avoid conflict in a relationship, it’s not necessary to pretend we don’t feel something or hide what’s happening to us; we just need to learn to be more assertive. This means we can openly express our frustration or disappointment, while being careful not to hurt the other person. It’s about learning to recognize our emotions and express them in the best possible way.
Reference:
Seger-Guttmann, T. & Medler-Liraz, H. (2015) The Costs of Hiding and Faking Emotions: The Case of Extraverts and Introverts The Journal of Psychology; 150(3): 342-357.
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