For years, feedback has been seen as an essential and indisputable pillar of relationships. It’s revered in leadership courses, recommended in therapy, and in personal relationships, it’s become almost obligatory: “If I appreciate you, I’ll give you feedback.”
But… maybe we’re being overly optimistic. Sometimes, we can give feedback like someone giving away socks: we think we’re doing something useful, but the other person’s reaction reveals that maybe it wasn’t the right time, color, or size. In short, we’ve been completely wrong.
At work, at home, with friends, or as a couple, we also believe that “giving feedback” is a way to help others improve. But science – and real life – tells us a different story: sometimes feedback not only doesn’t help, it actually makes things worse.
The uncomfortable fact: when feedback hurts
More than 20 years ago, researchers Avraham Kluger and Angelo DeNisi analyzed more than 600 experiments on the effectiveness of feedback involving thousands of people in different contexts. The result?
Feedback reduced performance in 38% of cases. And not just negative feedback, but positive feedback as well. Yes, even positive feedback can have “side effects” if:
- It somehow threatens the self-image of the recipient or,
- It creates pressure to repeat the “great result.”
In this way, what should be a friendly pat on the back ends up being a burden on the shoulders.
Why can well-intentioned feedback go so wrong?
The answer is simple, though perhaps a little uncomfortable: giving feedback puts us, even unintentionally, in a position of superiority. Even if we disguise it as empathy or a “I’m telling you this because I appreciate you,” the implicit message is: “I know how to do it better.” And that’s often perceived as: “I know more than you.”
On the other hand, even when feedback is positive, such as “You did very well! “, it conveys a sense of being judged . And when someone feels judged, it stresses them out.
As a result, their performance is likely to be affected next time by thoughts like “I have to be on point,” “I can’t make a mistake,” or “I have to be perfect.” And since we don’t usually perform well under pressure, that well-intentioned feedback ends up having the opposite effect.
In other cases, the problem is that the feedback touches a sensitive nerve, such as self-esteem, the desire to be accepted, or our self-image. In these cases, the brain reacts as if it were in danger.
In fact, if you’ve ever tried to tell your partner something like, “I think you’ve been really irritable lately,” you’ve probably ended up apologizing for bringing it up. Or when you tell a coworker they “could get their thoughts together better,” only to receive a passive-aggressive three-day silence.
Even poorly phrased positive feedback, such as “Your presentation was so lucky! “, can be interpreted as meaning that someone didn’t succeed on their own merits. There are many fragile egos in the world. And when giving feedback, we must take that into account.
How to give constructive feedback?
So, does this mean we should stop giving feedback? Should we give up and sit back and watch others repeat the same mistakes or suffer the consequences?
No. But we should rethink how we do it so that this feedback not only doesn’t fall on deaf ears, but also doesn’t have the opposite effect to what we want.
1. Analyze your intentions before speaking – without self-deception
Before you jump in and say, “I’m going to tell you something you need to improve,” or “I’m saying this for your own good,” ask yourself: Am I really saying this for your own good… or because it bothers or makes me uncomfortable?
Useful feedback stems from a genuine desire to help others grow, not from a need to correct, control, or vent frustrations. And those intentions, even if you try to hide them, often show through in one way or another in communication. So before giving feedback, clarify your motivation.
2. Ask the person if they want feedback
It seems obvious, but it isn’t. The truth is that we often rush into unsolicited advice or feedback without any reason.
Except in the rare cases where feedback is absolutely necessary, we could first ask, “Would you like me to give you my perspective on this?” If the person says no, respect their wishes. Sometimes the best feedback is precisely the one that isn’t given.
3. Speak in the first person
To avoid making the person feel attacked by your feedback, try not to use phrases like “you always do… ” or “you never know …” These types of generalizations, besides being imprecise, often raise barriers because they are perceived as an attack on the “self.”
Instead, describe what you observe without exaggeration, from your perspective, using phrases like “I feel,” “I see,” or “I think.” This will clarify that it’s your position, not an absolute truth. And it also opens the door to dialogue, not an ego battle.
4. Offer collaboration, not judgment
One of the biggest mistakes when giving feedback is ending with a verdict. Phrases like “You should improve that” or “You need to change this” sound more like a judgment than a support. Even if the intention is good, that kind of closing puts you in the position of judge and the other person in the dock.
Instead, when you offer your help, rather than dictating what the other person “should” do, space opens up for real cooperation. A phrase as simple as, “Is there anything I can help you with to improve that? ” makes a huge emotional difference. That small shift turns feedback into a bridge rather than a barrier. The message the other person receives is no longer “I know more than you,” but “I’m on your side, not against you.”
5. Go feedforward
What if, instead of looking back with a magnifying glass (what went wrong, what could have been done better, etc.), you focused the conversation on the future? That’s what feedforward proposes : focusing on what can be done from now on, not on what already happened.
For example, instead of saying, “You explained yourself poorly in yesterday’s meeting,” you could say, “What would help you explain more clearly in the next meeting? ” This approach reduces defensiveness, motivates, and generates positive change. After all, the past can’t be changed, but the future can be built – and it’s more enjoyable if we do so without blame.
In short, providing feedback isn’t a license to blurt out whatever comes to mind without a filter (as many people believe). Giving feedback is more of an art that’s learned over time and must be adapted to the context and the person in front of us.
The key is to remember that people don’t change because you tell them what they’re doing wrong, but because they feel safe enough to figure out how they could do it better. So, before giving feedback, think and remember that correcting isn’t always synonymous with helping. Sometimes helping is listening without correcting.
Reference:
Kluger, AN & DeNisi, A. (1996) The effects of feedback interventions on performance: A historical review, a meta-analysis, and a preliminary feedback intervention theory. Psychological Bulletin ; 119(2): 254–284.
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