How to improve your relationship with adult children? The technique that will bring you closer

Children grow up. It is a fact. They stop being little children and become teenagers, young people and, finally, adults. And despite this, many parents do not realize it. They are aware that their children can no longer get into their first communion clothes, they hug them and notice how much they have grown, but in their minds they are still little children who need rules, care and owe them obedience. As a result, sometimes the relationship suffers.

On other occasions, emotional distance is generated for other reasons, from latent conflicts to unsaid words or strong discrepancies in opinion. Whatever the cause, if you want to improve your relationship with your adult children, it is important to review the state of that bond.

Relationships need updating

Many times we take for granted that the rules that were established initially – whether implicitly or explicitly – will be valid for the entire course of the relationship. Parents, in particular, tend to write them on the stone. This often creates a conflict of expectations. That is, they expect their children to behave in a certain way and children themselves, in turn, they expect their parents to act in a certain way. But because those assumptions are not discussed, each member becomes increasingly frustrated when the other does not meet his expectations.

People change and relationships with them change, so from time to time it is necessary to take the temperature of the relationship to renegotiate mutual rules and expectations. Staying stuck in the past is the most direct path to disagreement and misunderstanding.

Unfortunately, in some families parents continue to dictate what the relationship with their adult children should be, whether through attempts at direct imposition, manipulation and guilt, or a sense of duty. They transmit their expectations to their children without even asking them what they want or how they feel in the relationship.

However, if you expect your adult children to continue to abide by your rules without question or to consult you on all their decisions, it is likely that you will end up taking away their psychological oxygen. And when children feel too much pressure, they will walk away in search of the freedom and autonomy they need. That distance will end up affecting your relationship even more, breaking the bridges of dialogue.

Survey the interaction

For this reason, one of the most useful strategies to improve the relationship with adult children is to conduct a survey. Basically, it consists of having an honest conversation about your worries, concerns and expectations, but also about how your children feel about the interaction.

You can ask, for example:

• What do you think of our relationship?
• What do you dislike the most?
• What do you value most?
• What would you like to change in our interaction?
• What would you like to keep?
• How would you like us to relate?

Note that it is not about finding blame but rather analyzing where your relationship is going and what you can do to improve it and make it more satisfactory for both of you. If you ask just three of those questions with a willingness to listen, open-mindedness, sincere curiosity, and without judgment or criticism, your children will open up and tell you what isn’t working for them.

These questions reveal that you really want the relationship to work for both of you. At the same time, it is a recognition of your children’s maturity. In a way, it involves recognizing that they have a say and trying to satisfy their new needs by establishing a renewed bond that satisfies both. Through this psychological technique you are telling your children: “I want to know how you feel about me. I am willing to take my share of responsibility and commit to change because I am confident that we can work things out.”

SWOT analysis of the relationship

This technique is also particularly useful because it shifts the focus from parents or children to bonding. This way, people do not look for blame and emotional tension is released, so that each person will feel freer to express their dissatisfaction without feeling judged and it will be easier to find a middle ground.

Additionally, it often brings to light important ideas that you will need to work on. For example, you will be able to discover your mistakes in the relationship, but also the things that your children value most. This way you can both work on building a healthier bond. That mutual feedback is an opportunity to change and find new ways to interact.

In fact, you could even be guided by the classic SWOT analysis (which is usually used in the business field but which will also allow you to know where your relationship is on the path and draw up its action plan for the future). Ideally, each person fills out a model separately and then compares them. This way you will have time to really reflect on your interactions, what is working and what needs to be fixed.

1. Weaknesses. They are one’s own shortcomings and limitations that hinder or slow down the relationship, such as difficulty expressing oneself authentically, problems connecting emotionally, an overly controlling character or lack of topics of conversation.
2. Threats. They are the hostile factors in the environment that affect the relationship and that are difficult to control, such as a toxic daughter-in- law that generates new conflicts or the lack of space and time to connect.
3. Strengths. They are the positive aspects of the relationship that sustain and nourish it, everything that works and makes you feel good together, such as the fact that you love and care about each other’s well-being or that you have common interests and values.
4. Opportunities. It refers to the surrounding circumstances that favor the relationship and can contribute to strengthening the bond, such as living nearby, having time at your disposal and enjoying the same places or activities.

Every relationship is unique, so every SWOT analysis will be too. The more information you include, the more global your vision of the interaction will be and the more data you will have to repair the link with truly effective strategies that go to the root of the problem.

Finally, remember that if you don’t feel able to handle an honest and direct opinion or you think you will become defensive, it may not be time to have that conversation yet.