In life, we go through a thousand situations that put us in a bind. Awkward circumstances in which we would like to say “no” but end up giving in, either to avoid angering or offending the other person, out of embarrassment, or even due to social pressure.
However, there is a huge difference between pleasing people and helping them. Being generous and available is very good, but we cannot say “yes” to everyone who asks us for a favor because we will run the risk of relegating ourselves to the background. If “yes” is your default answer, one of the most important things you can learn in life is to say “no” without giving explanations and, above all, without feeling guilty.
Everything that brings a “no”
Saying “yes” continually is not only very draining, but it also decreases your perception of self-efficacy. Deep down, bending to the wishes of others will make you feel like you have no control over your decisions, time, and energy.
Luckily, one of the advantages of getting older is that you gain self-confidence and vital clarity. When you know who you are and what you want, when you are aware of the value of your time and effort, saying “no” becomes easier.
In fact, you learn to say “no” without giving explanations. Because you realize that, in the same way that others have the right to ask for your time and energy, you also have the right to decide how to use your time and what to allocate your energy to.
At a certain point in life, you learn to say “no” without guilt because you realize that that word frees you to be able to say yes to the people who matter most to you and to those projects that really bring you something.
You learn to say “no” without shame because you understand that you can’t do everything and that there is no point in carrying the weight that other people can carry alone. And there is no better way to learn to say “no” than by saying it. There are no psychological shortcuts.
And you, what do you really want?
Values such as generosity, altruism and dedication are in the DNA of our culture, so from a young age we are taught to be accommodating and say yes. As a result, “no” automatically becomes the antagonistic response, the word to avoid if we do not want to be called selfish and rude. However, it is in the right balance where our mental health flourishes.
If you always say yes, it is likely that you will end up saturated with responsibilities and that you will fall under the weight of other people’s expectations, which have a bad habit of growing to truly irrational points.
When you don’t set limits and are not able to set your priorities, you will be here and there. You will be everywhere but in tune with yourself. You will forget about your power and leave the direction of your life in the hands of others because, deep down, whoever tries to monopolize your time, what they do is claim a piece of your life.
For this reason, self-compassion plays a leading role in the process of learning to say no. Reminding yourself that a refusal is sometimes an act of self-love to protect your limits or prioritize your needs will help you gain perspective and free yourself from guilt and regrets. Self-compassion is what allows you to look inward and ask yourself: what do I really want? I can do it? Or even: am I willing to do it?
In a way, self-compassion is the needle that balances the scales, so that you also consider your needs, wants, and goals, not just those of the person in front of you.
The keys to saying “no” without giving explanations in an assertive manner
If you feel compelled to justify yourself, it’s because guilt is creeping up on you or you’re worried about the image you project. The problem is that on many occasions there are those who detect this insecurity and take advantage of it. They leverage the indecision that reveals your reasons to counterargue and pressure you until they obtain the desired “yes.”
When you tell someone “I don’t have time today,” they’re likely to ask, “Maybe tomorrow or the day after?” If you tell him “I don’t feel qualified to do what you ask of me,” he will try to boost your self-esteem by saying: “I’m sure you can do it.” There are people who can be very insistent and persuasive.
For that reason, when you don’t want or are unwilling to do something, a simple refusal is usually the best option. Remember that “no” is a complete sentence. No further explanation is necessary.
In those situations where a negative is too dry, you can resort to other types of no. A “No, thank you” is more polite than a brief “No” but just as resounding, clear and concise. The “I can’t do it” will also make it clear that you are not willing to commit. While “I appreciate it, but I won’t do it,” denotes that you value that person’s proposal, but you don’t feel like getting involved.
However, after saying “no”, it is essential to clarify something. Offering excuses and explanations – especially if are long – it will only weaken your position and encourage the other person to find a strategy to get you to give in.
Of course, no one said that saying “no” without explanation and at the same time not hurting or offending others was easy. In some circumstances, giving a refusal can be difficult and even painful. You may feel guilty at first, but mastering this skill more than pays off in the long run.
So, the next time you know you need to say “no,” pay attention to your priorities and do it. Without further ado. It will help you to remember that every time you say “no” to something that is not important to you, you are saying yes to something else that can really make a difference in your life.
