Having a child is one of the greatest gifts a woman can receive, but not all know how to express their love assertively. There are mothers who, trying to protect their children, behave in an overly protective or controlling way, so that they end up limiting their potential. When this happens, we can refer to “toxic mothers” since, instead of contributing to the development of their children, they become an obstacle that deeply affects their emotional balance.
Why do mothers behave toxically with their children?
Many mothers do not behave toxically on purpose. Sometimes the causes of this behavior are found in the childhood that they themselves had. When we delve a little deeper into their history, we find that during their childhood they were excessively controlled by their parents or that they humiliated them, mistreated them, or were emotionally distant.
As we tend to imitate the educational style we grew up with, history repeats itself again, but this time the victim becomes the executioner. It is a cycle in which the mother puts into practice the ways of educating and loving that she was instilled in her childhood, because they are the only ones she knows. Although it is curious that many of these mothers claim that they would never do to their children what was done to them but, without realizing it, they end up adopting the repertoire of behaviors that they so hated.
In other cases, toxic mothers’ behaviors are simply due to certain personality traits. For example, they may be women who are so dominant and strong that they need to keep everything under control, people who think that expressing feelings is a sign of weakness and prefer to maintain emotional distance, or narcissistic mothers who are too focused on themselves. In any case, at the base of these educational styles there is almost always a great insecurity since these behaviors are a way to reaffirm oneself and gain security.
The 5 most dangerous types of toxic mothers
1. Disdainful. These are mothers who choose to ignore their children’s achievements. If they do something to make her feel proud, they simply ignore the effort, try to minimize it, or take it for granted. For example, if the son arrives with a gift, instead of thanking him, they simply tell him that it was his duty.
The problem is that children are programmed to seek approval and love from mothers, so growing up without their attention is very harmful. As a result, people who have had such a mother become adults who doubt their emotional needs, feel unworthy of attention, and have a deep need to be loved and validated.
2. Controller. These mothers refuse to recognize that their children are independent people, with their own personality and the ability to make decisions. Basically, the child becomes an extension of themselves, and must be willing to do whatever she wants. These mothers seek to control every aspect of their children’s lives, including what they should think and feel. Normally they impose those rules “For your own good, because only a mother knows what is best for her child.”
The result of this excessive control is usually a terribly insecure person, who lives with a perennial feeling of helplessness. And the mother, by not validating his words and behaviors during childhood, instilled in him the idea that he was not capable of making decisions for himself and trusting his judgment.
3. Inaccessible. Emotionally distant mothers are physically present and provide their child with the care he needs but do not provide affection. These are inaccessible mothers, emotionally disconnected, who do not respond with empathy to their children’s emotions, providing them with the trust and security they need to grow.
Obviously, dealing with an emotionally unavailable mother can be very difficult for a child as these behaviors cause discomfort and confusion. In fact, it has been shown that it can even affect the chemical composition at the brain level since the emotional exchange is essential to stimulate the child’s cortisol receptors, the main ones responsible for absorbing and buffering stress hormones. Therefore, these people may have problems dealing with failure and disappointments, as well as feel guilty for being happy and burden themselves with responsibilities to compensate for the emotional absence.
4. Envious. These are mothers who actively denigrate their children and are hypercritical as they are jealous of their children’s achievements. The problem is that they see their children as rivals, so they declare war on them, overtly or covertly. They generally resort to weapons such as guilt and shame. Instead of building their child’s confidence and inspiring his potential, they think it’s unfair that they succeed when they haven’t. As a result, they try to squash their victories, making them feel bad or blaming them for their own failure.
Obviously, people who have grown up with such a mother tend to have very low self-esteem and often feel guilty, even for things that do not depend on them. They also tend to feel that they are unworthy of any achievement, so they will try to take credit away from themselves.
5. Narcissist. These are mothers who are very concerned about the appearances and opinions of others, who maintain a superficial connection with their children because they are too focused on themselves. Seen from the outside, they may seem like model mothers, but the truth is that their children become a real Cinderella. For example, if the son comes with a problem and needs the mother’s support, the mother is likely to tell him: “You don’t know what problems really are,” and begins to talk about her own, ignoring the difficulties and conflicts of the child.
This type of behavior is very disconcerting since children expect their mothers to provide them with support but, instead, they find themselves subordinate to their ego, under great pressure. A narcissistic mother will demand attention and adoration but no matter how hard her child tries, she will never be able to please him. These people, as they reach adulthood, end up living in fear that their words or actions may offend others and often set excessively high standards for themselves, creating unnecessary stress in their lives.
How to deal with a toxic mother?
The fact that a mother has toxic behaviors does not mean that she does not love her children, but rather that she does not know how to relate to them in an assertive and empathetic way. Therefore, it is important that you learn to deal with this problem. How to do it?
– Break the cycle of toxicity. When you notice that your mother is exhibiting toxic behaviors, put a stop to it. It is likely that this is an old relational pattern but that does not mean that it should be perpetuated. Let her know that you are old enough to make your own decisions, that she can give her opinion but not decide for you or continually put her needs before yours.
– Establish clear limits. Establish a certain distance, which can be economic, emotional or communicational. The idea is that you delimit your own territory to which only you have access. In this way you will be blocking excess control and manipulation, you will show her that you need and are willing to achieve your independence and privacy, because you are not a mere extension of her.
– Focus on what you can control. It is likely that after many years, you will not be able to change everything you dislike about your mother. In fact, it would be a practically impossible mission, but you can control your reaction to it. Instead of making accusations that make the relationship even worse or trying to reason with her, express your feelings. When she tries to deploy her weapons, simply tell her: “I don’t like you acting like that, you’re hurting me.” This way at least you make it clear that you do not accept how she makes you feel.
– Mark a safety distance. It’s not about completely distancing yourself from your mother, but just about marking a safe distance. For example, instead of spending an entire weekend with her, where you invariably end up arguing, spend just one day together. Another strategy is to spend time with other people, since this way the attacks usually stop or have a more limited scope. It’s about discovering the situations that make you feel bad and avoiding them.
– Shield yourself against negative emotions. When your mother uses her classic emotional sabotage techniques, try not to pay attention to them. After all, emotional garbage can only stay inside you if you make room for it. For example, if she tells you that those clothes look terrible on you, because she wants to undermine your self-esteem, respond confidently by telling her that you like them and that you won’t change them. You can also explain to her that this time is not the best time to discuss a certain issue, that you will talk about it when she is less upset and more willing to listen to you.
– Be assertive and encourage communication. Try to open an assertive communication space where you express your points of view and desires in an open way. After all, your mother loves you, the problem is that she doesn’t know how to properly channel that concern she feels for you. Therefore, explain how you feel and how their behaviors limit you. Try to find the best solution for both of you because in interpersonal conflicts, you only win when both parties win.
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