We all have an inner critic that is often relentless, both with ourselves and with others. This inner critic is born when we are still young, when we are just becoming the object of criticism, more or less well-intentioned, from the adults around us.
Every time our parents scold us for something we did or didn’t do, every time a teacher complains about our school results, that inner critic grows. So it’s not surprising that when we finally become adults, instead of freeing ourselves once and for all from that critical tendency, we reinforce it even more.
Why do we fall into a trap that we set for ourselves?
The answer is very simple: because we have the tendency to reproduce the patterns we have seen in our childhood, because it is much easier to perpetuate what we know than to deny it and dare to do something different.
In fact, you probably can’t spend even an hour in someone’s company without having some criticism or regret. The funny thing is that as that inner critic grows, it wipes out all traces of positivity.
We end up trapped in a vicious circle, so that the more we criticize, the less positive aspects we will find, the more we focus on what we dislike, the less we will be able to appreciate what we really like. It is a macabre mechanism of which we are not aware.
The dangers of giving carte blanche to the inner critic
Not setting limits for the inner critic means letting it grow freely, to the point where it can get out of hand and cause us a lot of harm. In fact, putting the focus on the wrong place can entail several risks, especially for our emotional balance.
In this regard, a study conducted at Stanford University has shown that spending just half an hour a day complaining or listening to someone else complain can produce changes in brain function. According to this research, continuous complaining affects the neurons of the hippocampus, an area that is related to memory consolidation and learning. Apparently, the simple act of complaining and criticizing, without the intention of seeking a solution, causes this area to atrophy.
Similarly, another study conducted at the University of Missouri followed more than 800 teenagers and young adults over a six-month period. They found that those who frequently complained and criticized were at greater risk of suffering from depression or anxiety.
Giving carte blanche to the inner critic can have enormous repercussions:
– Hyperbolization of the negative prism. When we focus more on criticizing what we dislike than on appreciating the things we like, we run the risk of developing a pessimistic view of the world. In fact, the more we use the prism of criticism, the more the prism that allows us to appreciate beautiful and positive things atrophies. In this way, we run the risk of ending up developing a hopeless vision that plunges us into depression.
– Development of a hypertrophied “I”. As the inner critic grows, it takes up the space of those other aspects of our personality that allow us to smile at life, until it completely hides them. In this way, we end up developing a hypertrophied “I”, we become a person who only knows how to point out mistakes and complain, we become a shadow of what we could be because we have only fed one part of our “I”.
– Loss of the ability to enjoy. Absolutely all the situations we face on a daily basis have a positive and a negative aspect, focusing on the most negative aspect often prevents us from appreciating the opportunities and the positive aspects, so little by little we lose the ability to enjoy things. In this way we not only end up losing interest in others but even our ability to enjoy life. At that moment, we will begin to die.
Three strategies to harness the potential of the inner critic
Of course, the inner critic is not a monster. In fact, it is necessary because it helps us notice what is wrong and, in a way, encourages us to improve ourselves. When we are not satisfied with a situation, we are motivated to change it. The problem begins when the inner critic only complains.
So, the next time you complain or criticize something, make sure you follow these three steps:
1. Don’t criticize for the sake of it, find out why. Did you know that 95% of consumers would never complain about a product to the company that made it, but half of them complain about its quality to their friends? The problem isn’t the criticism itself, but the senseless complaining. So when you find yourself complaining, ask yourself what the motivation is behind it. What do you want to achieve? What is your goal with that criticism?
2. Ask yourself what you want to change. Before you complain, just for the sake of it, ask yourself what you really want to change. One strategy is to be more precise. If you take the time to express what you really feel and what bothers you, you will complain less and it will be easier to detect the real problem.
3. Leave the passive attitude and adopt a proactive role. Instead of just naming everything that bothers you, in an endless string of criticisms, leave the passive attitude of someone who complains and learn to assume a proactive role. At this point, you may realize that there are things you cannot change, accept them. You will also realize that there are things you can influence, do something to change them, even if it is a small gesture.
A day without the inner critic: Could you overcome the challenge?
Without realizing it, we often direct our attention towards things we dislike or things we would like to change. In this way, our field of attention literally becomes a detector of negative things.
Obviously, positive things exist, it’s just that it’s harder for us to detect them because they don’t overwhelm or bother us as much. However, I propose a simple challenge: spend a whole day without your inner critic. Silence it every time it tries to criticize something, every time it activates to find something negative in your range of action.
Instead, look for something positive, something that makes you feel good. It can be a simple detail, like a little flower that just came out, a quality you love about your partner, or something you accomplished that day at work.
It’s about uncovering all those beautiful things to be grateful for that we normally cover up with criticism and negativity in order to take advantage of the beneficial effects of gratitude. For one day, focus only on what pleases you, what moves you, and what you are passionate about.
You may find it difficult at first, as you have spent many years letting your inner critic take over. However, if at the end of the day you feel good, it may be time to start developing other facets of your personality, which can make you much happier, and to keep a tight rein on that voice that finds fault with everything.
References:
Winch, G. (2011) The Squeaky Wheel: Complaining the Right Way to Get Results, Improve Your Relationships, and Improve Self-Esteem . New York: Walker Publishing Company.
Rose, A.J. et. Al. (2007) Prospective associations of co-rumination with friendship and emotional adjustment: considering the socioemotional trade-offs of co-rumination. Developmental Psychology; 43(4):1019-1031.
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