Les Brown once stated that “Don’t let someone else’s opinion of you become your reality.” However, it is one of those grandiloquent phrases that are easier to memorize than to put into practice. In fact, we all, to some extent, feel the need for approval.
In reality, the need for approval is not something negative but the important thing is that it does not grow disproportionately. The problem begins when we try too hard with the sole objective of achieving the approval of others. A problem that we sometimes have without realizing it exists, which, obviously, prevents us from moving forward.
The basis for understanding the need for approval
Before analyzing the pathological need for approval, it is important to understand where this emotional dependency comes from . We must keep in mind that we are social beings, that we construct ourselves based on relationships with others and, therefore, it is logical that the evaluations of others affect the perception we have of ourselves.
For example, a mother who constantly tells her child that he is worthless, incapable, and will achieve nothing in life will likely result in an adult with low self-esteem and a distorted perception of himself, an adult that perhaps he will need the approval of others to validate himself.
Our self-image is formed from the feedback we receive from others, so it is normal that in certain circumstances we need a little social approval, this makes us feel more secure, it reaffirms that we are going in the right direction. Also, to be completely honest, we all love to be applauded and praised, it makes us feel good. However, when we subordinate our decisions and behaviors to the opinions of others, then we have a problem.
When the opinion of others is the law
The moment we become a person dependent on the opinions of others, it is as if we were handing over the reins of our life. This implies that when someone approves us we feel euphoric but when they disapprove of us our life falls apart, we fall off the cliff because we have put our emotional worth in the hands of others.
Obviously, the need for approval is something that is built day after day, it is not something that is implemented overnight. Normally it begins as a simple bending to the rules, because it is easier to agree with what others dictate than to assert our opinion. Thus we sacrifice our true selves, until there comes a time when the opinions that others have about us are more important than we ourselves think.
There are some attitudes that become premonitory signs:
– Being too kind when we disagree with the opinions of others. I am not saying that when we disagree we should adopt violent behavior and make our opinion prevail at all costs but it is normal for us to put a little passion in defending our point of view.
– Don’t say no. If you don’t know how to say no and you subordinate your own needs to those of others all the time, it is very likely that the need for approval is at its base.
– Change your mind to be kind and try to make others like you. It is worth clarifying that changing your mind is not only normal but also a sign of intelligence and flexibility, but only when the other’s arguments have really convinced us.
– Feeling sad or distressed when others do not approve your ideas or behaviors. Obviously, when we do not find support we will not feel happy, but if the sadness we experience is disproportionate, the need for approval is probably at its base.
How to get rid of the pathological need for approval?
Basically, the need for approval is eliminated by changing the beliefs that support it:
1. Understand that we cannot please everyone. Each person is unique, has their own tastes and preferences, so we cannot always find enough points of convergence, we cannot always like each other and, above all, we should not even have that expectation.
2. You are as important as everyone else. Your opinion matters because, at the end of the day, who knows you better than you? People can criticize or give you advice but you are the one who makes the decisions.
3. Rejection of an idea or behavior is not a rejection of you. Normally those who need constant approval confuse their behaviors with their “self.” That is, the fact that you made a mistake when doing something does not mean that you are a clumsy or unintelligent person, it simply means that you have made a mistake.
