Knowing that the relationship is over is one thing. Accepting it and moving on is another. In fact, a relationship breakup can be one of the most difficult experiences we have to face in life. When love still exists, accepting the dissolution of the bond can be particularly complicated.
In some ways, the end of a relationship is quite similar to the loss of a loved one. Ultimately, you lose intimacy with a person who was very important to you and you are forced to restructure your daily habits and life plans. This means that you will have to go through a period of mourning in which you will feel sad and nostalgic. It is perfectly normal.
However, there will probably come a point where you want to move on. In that case, there are some psychological techniques to get over a relationship breakup that can help you put the broken pieces back together and give new meaning to your life.
The best psychological techniques to get over a relationship breakup and move on
First of all, remember that recovering after a breakup takes time. It is important that you pay attention to your feelings and let them flow, so that you can heal internally before starting another relationship. It is not true that nail drives out nail. If you start a relationship without having overcome the previous one, it is likely that it will not work either.
1. Write a therapeutic diary as a tool for self-knowledge
When we are immersed in the pain of loss, overwhelmed by a sea of emotions, it is difficult to see things clearly. For this reason, writing a therapeutic diary is a deeply cathartic activity. It is not always easy to tell everything you feel and you may even feel ashamed of it or not find the emotional validation you expect from those around you. In that case, venting in the pages of a journal can be extremely liberating.
Journaling will also help you detect toxic or bad thinking patterns. When you reread those notes you will be able to identify more clearly what worries you or those irrational beliefs that are fueling the pain and preventing you from turning the page. Just make sure you write in the first person and not apply any type of censorship to what you feel or think because it would be like deceiving yourself.
2. Apply cognitive restructuring
One of the most useful psychological techniques to overcome a relationship breakup is cognitive restructuring since it will allow you to change the thought patterns that are fueling the suffering and keeping you in that loop. It is not about betting on naive optimism, but about avoiding catastrophic thinking that does not give you anything.
For example, when thoughts like “I can’t live alone” or “I won’t find anyone else” cross your mind, you can rephrase them: “I’ll probably be alone for a while and I might need to ask a friend for support, but I’ll take advantage of this stage to get to know myself better and determine what I want from life.”
You can also use this technique if you are plagued by self-blaming thoughts like “I should have known” or “I should have listened to him.” Of course, taking note of mistakes is important so you don’t make them again, but there’s no point in beating yourself up for them forever. Instead, it is more constructive to think: “I have made mistakes, but I did the best I could at that time in the situation I was in and with the tools I had.”
Remember that you are going through a painful moment, you don’t need to add fuel to the fire, but rather treat yourself with a little compassion and kindness.
3. Use the 3:1 ratio
If your thoughts are overwhelmingly negative, your self-esteem and mood are likely to suffer. If you find it difficult to reformulate those negative thoughts, you can try another psychological technique to get over a relationship breakup: the 3:1 ratio.
This exercise is based on a study conducted at the University of Michigan according to which, to flourish as people and maintain an optimal level of well-being, we need three positive experiences for every negative emotion we experience. Therefore, every time a categorical thought crosses your mind, look for three positive ideas that counteract it.
In a general sense, all negative thoughts that contain “never”, “always” or “should” tend to be unbalanced statements, the result of emotions and not rationality. Therefore, if you find yourself thinking in terms of “My partners always abandon me,” you can tell yourself: 1. “I feel proud of how deeply I loved,” 2. “I prefer to have a person at my side who is willing to fight for the relationship.” and 3. “Every breakup teaches me something about myself.”
Of course, at first it will be difficult to find those positive phrases because it is likely that you are settled in pessimism and hopelessness, but with practice it will become easier and you will be able to change your inner dialogue for one more objective and developer that allows you to get out of that black hole.
4. Draw a thoughts-feelings-behavior triangle
Our thoughts, feelings and behaviors are in tune, so changing one of those factors can positively influence the others. Unfortunately, when you are mired in the negative emotions that come with the end of a romantic relationship, it is not enough to tell yourself, “I’m going to be okay.” You have to work a little deeper.
One of the psychological techniques to get over a relationship breakup that you can use is very simple but particularly powerful: the cognitive triangle. In fact, it is very useful to realize the negative cycles that we sometimes get stuck in and explore the role of your thoughts and feelings in order to take actions that allow you to move forward.
It consists of drawing a triangle. The tip of the triangle represents your thoughts, so you will have to write down the ideas that cross your mind when you think about separation. The bottom points represent your feelings and behaviors about the breakup.
For example, in the area dedicated to thinking you can write: “I will never find love again.” In the area of emotions: “I feel desolate/sad/unmotivated” while in the part corresponding to behaviors: “I lock myself at home and I don’t want to see anyone.”
From there, ask yourself how you would like to feel and assess which area is easiest for you to intervene in. Maybe you can go out more with your friends, recover a hobby that made you happy, or recognize that you need psychological help to overcome the breakup and your pessimistic thoughts.
5. Take off your rose-colored glasses and put on your reading glasses
When we look back on past relationships, it’s incredibly common to remember only the good times. In fact, psychologists at Colorado State University found that our memories are quite partial. Unpleasant emotions tend to fade over time and their impact is mitigated, a psychological phenomenon known as “minimization” that leads us to look at the past with nostalgia, convinced that it was better.
However, seeing your ex-partner through rose-colored glasses is not only counterproductive but also not very objective. If the relationship broke down, it is obvious that it was failing and that there were latent unresolved conflicts. It is likely that you also argued a lot or that you have settled into complete indifference.
Therefore, if you want to turn the page, you better use your reading glasses. Don’t idealize the person who broke your heart or made you feel bad. Make a list of his negative qualities, the things that bothered you, and the disagreements you never managed to resolve. Review that list every time you feel homesick, regretful, or lonely.
Your mind will try to tell you he was perfect, but he wasn’t, and neither was the relationship. Of course, it’s not about demonizing the other person or blaming them for what happened because that way you run the risk of getting trapped in resentment and bitterness. The idea is that you overcome that idyllic bias with which you look at the past so that you can move towards the future.
And if these strategies don’t work, remember that you can always ask for psychological help to get over a relationship breakup. It’s much better than falling into a complicated grief.
References:
Fredrickson, B. L. & Losada, M. F. (2005) Positive Affect and the Complex Dynamics of Human Flourishing. Am Psychol; 60(7): 678–686.
Walker, W. R. et. Al. (2003) Life Is Pleasant – and Memory Helps to Keep It That Way! Review of General Psychology; 7(2): 203–210.
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