What you resist persists: How to stop fighting the inevitable?

Sooner or later, we all face situations, emotions or thoughts that we would rather avoid. Whether it’s a painful loss, a mistake we’re ashamed of or even a part of ourselves we don’t like, our first reaction is often resistance.

We tell ourselves: “it can’t be”, “this shouldn’t be happening ” or “life is unfair”. We try not to think about it or even ignore what is happening, with the secret hope that it will disappear as if by magic.

However, Carl Jung has some bad news:  “what you resist, persists.” And that is because, instead of disappearing, what we deny or avoid tends to grow, become entrenched and manifest itself in even more intense ways.

Why doesn’t resistance work?

You’ve probably tried not to think about something at some point, and the harder you tried, the more it was present in your mind. Or maybe you’ve tried to avoid feeling anxious, and in the end you’ve felt even more anxious. This is no coincidence: resisting an emotion, thought or situation doesn’t make it go away; on the contrary, it makes it stronger.

This phenomenon has a psychological basis. Daniel Wegner’s “ironic process theory” explains that when we try to suppress a thought, a part of our mind keeps scanning constantly to make sure we don’t think about it. Paradoxically, this keeps the thought we want to suppress active.

This “rebound effect” also manifests itself on an emotional level. If we deny an emotion or try to avoid it at all costs, we will end up trapped in a loop where that emotion returns even more strongly.

On the other hand, Jung had the idea that “those who learn nothing from the unpleasant facts of life force the cosmic consciousness to reproduce them as many times as necessary in order to learn what the drama of what happened teaches. What you deny subdues you; what you accept transforms you.”

He believed that  “when an internal situation is not made conscious, it appears outside as destiny.” By resisting, we give more energy to that which we want to avoid. Imagine that you are in a swimming pool trying to sink an inflatable ball. The more you push it down, the more force you exert, but the moment you let go, the ball returns to the surface with more force. The same happens with our emotions and thoughts: the more we try to repress them, the more intense they become and the more forcefully they will burst into our lives.

Furthermore, psychological resistance keeps us in a constant state of internal struggle. We spend a huge amount of mental and emotional energy trying to cover up what is happening, which makes us end up feeling exhausted, frustrated and, in many cases, trapped in a cycle of denial and suffering.

And the worst thing of all is that resisting reality will not make it any kinder or more bearable. No matter how much we try to ignore a difficult situation, it will continue to exist regardless of our wishes. Therefore, resistance prevents us from adapting and finding solutions so that we can move forward with less baggage.

The power of acceptance: how to apply it in practice?

Acceptance doesn’t mean resignation. It’s not about telling yourself, “This is okay ” or “I don’t care,” but about recognizing that something is happening and that, at least for the moment, it is part of our reality. Acceptance is about stopping fighting against what already is, so that we can focus our energy on what we can do about it.

Radical acceptance takes power away from what scares us or hurts us. We stop feeding it with our resistance to change and start observing what happens with a certain curiosity and detachment. This will allow us to better understand what is happening and, eventually, learn from it and integrate it into our life story. How can we achieve this?

1. Identify what you are resisting. The first step is to identify what you are trying to avoid. It could be an emotion, a thought, or a situation. Ask yourself, “What is it that I don’t want to feel or face?”
2. Allow yourself to feel. Instead of repressing your emotions, give them permission to flow. If you are sad, cry. If you are angry, acknowledge it. Emotions are natural reactions, they do not define you as a person. And they are all valid because they have a message to convey.
3. Cognitive reframing. Instead of thinking “this shouldn’t happen,” try reframing it: “it is happening, how can I best deal with it? ” This change of perspective will help you become proactive. In other words, take control of your life.
4. Talk to yourself with compassion. Treat yourself with the same kindness you would a friend. Instead of telling yourself “I shouldn’t feel that way,” try “It’s okay to feel that way, it’s a perfectly normal reaction.” Don’t beat yourself up for what you feel, as that will only add fuel to the fire of denial.
5. Emotional exposure. Instead of avoiding what makes you uncomfortable at all costs, try to approach it slowly. For example, if you feel anxiety, allow yourself to experience it without trying to suppress it. This will send a message to your brain: “You don’t have to fear or escape, you can deal with it. It’s not the end of the world.”
6. Look for learning. Ask yourself, “What can I learn from this situation? ” or “How can I grow from this? ” This shift in perspective will help you view the experience more constructively, rather than merely treating it as an unwanted obstacle in your path.
7. Practice gratitude. Focusing on what you have, what you have accomplished, or what your capabilities are will help you balance your vision and find some serenity in the midst of chaos. When things go wrong, it’s easy to see only the negative, but shifting your focus to the positive is what will keep you moving forward.

The serenity of letting go

Resistance and denial are natural defense mechanisms, but they are not long-term solutions, just temporary refuge. Remember that what you resist persists because the energy you put into avoiding it strengthens it.

Acceptance, on the other hand, frees you from that internal struggle and helps you find a way to move forward, even in the most difficult circumstances. Acceptance is not giving up, but choosing to stop suffering from what you cannot change. It is in that space of acceptance that you find clarity, peace, and the strength to move forward.