Some people live to control. They try to keep their emotions on a tight leash, meticulously schedule their time, seek countless confirmations before making a decision, anticipate problems that don’t exist, and even try to control those around them. These people live with the feeling that if they relinquish control, everything will fall apart.
It’s not even his fault. We live in a society that glorifies control and instills it in us from birth. At school, those who remain calm and follow the rules are rewarded. In the adult world, the ability to “have everything under control” becomes synonymous with success. We admire those who don’t lose their composure.
From the outside, these people seem responsible and reliable, but no one talks about the invisible cost of that demanding nature because, inside, they are usually exhausted. According to Wilhelm Reich, trying to control everything ultimately takes a toll on mental health. This psychoanalyst maintained that psychological stability doesn’t come from the ability to maintain control, but rather from the courage to let go when necessary.
Control as a refuge… and as a trap
Control is not the ultimate enemy. In fact, it can be an adaptive tool that, in certain circumstances, helps us organize ourselves, make smarter decisions, and better tolerate uncertainty. Believing that we can exert some control over our environment to achieve what we want is essential for cultivating self-efficacy and well-being.
The perception of control is not only desirable, but it is a psychological and biological need that we carry “imprinted” in our corticostriatal network, as demonstrated by a study conducted at Columbia University.
The problem arises when it ceases to be a tool and becomes a constant need. At that point, control stops being adaptive and transforms into a source of psychological distress, increasing the risk of developing problems such as obsessive-compulsive disorder, as confirmed by research from Concordia University.
In fact, Reich argued that neurotic symptoms, such as obsessive-compulsive disorder itself, were an unconscious attempt to control a hostile environment. He categorized them as a “character armor” (charakterpanzer), referring to repetitive patterns of behavior, speech, and body posture that served as defense mechanisms.
While we need a certain degree of control and self-control, life is inherently chaotic and unpredictable, so there will always be something that eludes us, an unforeseen event we can’t anticipate, or a question without an answer. If we try to compensate for insecurity by increasing our level of control, we’ll be swimming against the current. And that, in the long run, will exhaust us both physically and mentally.
As a result, the more we try to control the uncontrollable, the more anxiety we create for ourselves. It’s a vicious cycle where we want to control things to feel safer, but the more we try, the more aware we become of everything that’s beyond our control, and the more distress we experience.
The character armor and the need to flow
For Reich, excessive control was both a cognitive and a bodily pattern. In fact, his concept of “character armor” pointed to the mechanism that is created as a result of the conflict between instinctual demands and the frustrating external world.
According to this psychoanalyst, when we realize we must repress many of our emotions, desires, and impulses, we develop this protective mechanism to control ourselves. However, this leads to rigidity, as we live in a state of constant, chronic tension. In the long run, this emotional tension will manifest as both mental health disorders and physical illnesses.
That’s why I believe it’s essential to learn to flow with events. Control makes us rigid and, therefore, incapable of adapting to change. The thicker the armor we build, the more it limits our ability to freely experience our emotions and respond adaptively to reality.
On the other hand, if we are flexible and don’t try to control everything, we learn to go with the flow. Obviously, that doesn’t mean everything will turn out perfectly, but it’s based on the confidence that, whatever happens, we can manage it.
What does it mean, in practice, to relinquish control?
Flowing doesn’t mean going with the flow without any discernment, but rather recovering the body’s natural capacity for self-regulation by connecting with our innermost needs, desires, and impulses. Reich spoke of the need to release accumulated physical tension, but he also referred to “The emotional experience of losing the ego.” In other words, allowing ourselves to let go without fear.
It’s not about abandoning planning or acting impulsively, but about making room for spontaneity and flexibility in our lives. It’s about not trying to time everything and not clinging to a single solution, path, or outcome. Ultimately, it’s about opening ourselves up to the idea that the world can surprise us.
Obviously, no one goes from being a hyper-controlling person to a flexible person overnight, but you can take small steps:
- Stop constantly anticipating negative scenarios
- Don’t try to have the last word in every discussion
- Accept that you can also enjoy “imperfect” plans
- Assume that you cannot control how others perceive you or their reactions
- Allow yourself to feel emotions without analyzing them or trying to correct them immediately
These are small gestures that train your brain to let go of the need to control everything in order to believe you’re okay. It’s a shift from “I have to control this” to “I can handle whatever comes.” And that gives you much more confidence and peace of mind than an illusory sense of control. I guarantee it.
References:
Sandstrom, A. et. Al. (2024) What’s control got to do with it? A systematic review of control beliefs in obsessive-compulsive disorder. Clinical Psychology Review; 107: 102372.
Leotti, L. A. et. Al. (2010) Born to choose: the origins and value of the need for control. Trends Cogn Sci; 14(10): 457-463.
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