Deflection, the defense mechanism of masters in blaming others

Deflection is one of the least known, but at the same time most common defense mechanisms in relationships. In fact, not only are people around you likely using it on you to avoid having to take on certain responsibilities, but you may also have resorted to this strategy to escape some uncomfortable situations. Of course, it is normal and perfectly understandable for us to try to escape from what bothers us, but when it becomes the norm, this mechanism can lead to long-term problems.

What is deflection in Psychology?

Deflection is a mechanism aimed at diverting attention – which can be activated consciously or unconsciously – from a situation that is uncomfortable or intolerable. It usually appears in conflictive situations, especially when we have to deal with mistakes or accept responsibilities. In that case, instead of directly facing what is happening, we try to “escape” the situation by diverting our attention to something else. Basically, what we do is avoid discomfort by “cooling” the experience.

In fact, examples of deflection in everyday life abound:

• Romantic deflection. When a person discovers that her partner is being unfaithful and she confronts him, but he deflects the blame by telling her that he did it because he did not receive enough attention and affection.
• Labor deflection. When a person avoids looking bad in front of his superiors by blaming another co-worker for the bad results.
• Social deflection. When a person explains to another that their words or actions have hurt them and they return the ball by telling them that they are too sensitive. 

This mechanism even extends to the upper echelons of society, such as when a politician is blamed for the lack of results and blames his predecessors. A classic of deflection.

However, deflection is not limited to blaming others. Psychologists Erving and Miriam Polster wrote in the early 1970s that deflection is also “A maneuver tending to avoid direct contact with another person, a means of cooling off real contact.The heat is removed from the dialogue through circumlocution and verbiage; laughing at what is said; avoiding looking at the interlocutor; speaking abstractly rather than specifying; coming up with examples that are not relevant, or ignoring examples; preferring courtesy to frankness; weak to intense emotions; talking about past things when the present is more important”.

Therefore, it can manifest itself in much more subtle ways:

• When someone asks us about a sensitive topic, we respond “it’s all fine” and rush to change the argument so we don’t have to address something that makes us uncomfortable.
• When we tell personal experiences that still hurt us with a smile or even adding jokes to de-dramatize and pretend that it no longer affects us.
• When we talk about the issues that touch us closely in an abstract and impersonal way to convey the idea that we are not emotionally involved.
• When we lead a discussion to the past, pointing out to the other person everything they have done wrong or remembering the good times we had to avoid talking about a thorny topic of the present.
• When we talk a lot without rhyme or reason about any topic (the weather is usually a favorite due to its banality) just to avoid awkward silences.

Why do we try to deviate? 

We all resort to deflection at some point. It’s completely normal. Fritz Perls believed that there is a balance between contact and withdrawal from the environment. That is, we are able to connect to satisfy our needs and then return to the point of origin when they are satisfied. For example, we can meet up with friends when we need to socialize, but if we feel exhausted or overwhelmed, we seek a little solitude.

However, sometimes this balance is broken and defense mechanisms such as deflection appear. If we find it difficult to withdraw adaptively, we will do so maladaptively. In fact, the first acts of deflection usually go back to childhood, when we deny having broken the vase or having eaten the candy and blame the sibling or the pet, to avoid being punished.

Typically, as we mature, we learn to deal with the consequences of our actions and are able to balance that need to connect and disconnect. But for some people, deflection becomes a habitual non-coping mechanism. In these cases, it becomes pathological and not only affects the person who practices it but also those around them.

These people choose the “easy way.” After all, it is easier to turn the tables and blame someone else than to take responsibility for one’s own actions. It is easier to escape from what makes us uncomfortable than to face it. In a way, they try to protect a fragile ego that is not capable of dealing with these situations. The bad news is that you can’t escape forever.

At this point, it is necessary to make a parenthesis to clarify that, in some circumstances, deflection is also a protection mechanism. If we are not ready to address an argument, we may deviate until we are emotionally ready.

Our society is not precisely characterized by complete sincerity in relationships, but under the excuse of political correctness, it promotes more the use of euphemisms and circumlocutions. Therefore, it is easier for us to change the subject than to say: “I’m sorry, I don’t want to talk about that right now, I’m not ready.” But in reality that would be the most mature and respectful way to establish limits and be honest with the other.

How to recognize deflection? The 5 most common avoidant signals

Many people, including ourselves, are not fully aware that they use deflection. Others are and use it as a manipulation technique to generate guilt and remorse, demolishing the self-esteem of those around them while escaping scrutiny.

Some of the most obvious symptoms of deflection are: 

1. Nothing is their fault. Every time something goes wrong, they blame someone else, circumstances, or even bad luck.
2. They never take responsibility for their actions when things go wrong. They always finds some external excuse to justify what happened. In fact, they are usually people with an external locus of control.
3. They have trouble addressing conflict and feel very uncomfortable talking about their mistakes.
4. They do not recognize their emotions , so they normally project them on others.
5. Every time you try to talk about their mistakes, they shut down or tell you that you misinterpreted things.

What to do when a person tries to deflect the problem?

When we try to address a problem and hit the wall of deflection, we are likely to feel guilty and frustrated. The usual thing is that we react by withdrawing, accepting that “responsibility” in a certain way.

Obviously, the first step is to try to stay calm. If you argue, you will legitimize the other person and give them more to cut through. Use short sentences to avoid misunderstandings and focus on yourself. Try to explain that their lack of acceptance will prevent you from moving forward to find a solution.

Don’t stray from the main topic and emphasize the need to explore ways to overcome the conflict. However, if the dynamic becomes too toxic and affects your mental health, cutting things off could be the best long-term solution, rather than getting trapped in the other’s spiral of deflection.

What if you are the one who applies this defense mechanism? 

If you think you are resorting to deflection, it is a good sign because the most difficult thing is to recognize the existence of this defense mechanism. To stop using deflection as a coping strategy:  

• Start by making a mental note of your first reaction when someone mentions a mistake. You may find that you feel bad and have a tendency to reject him.
• Try to stay open to the words of others. Remember that a mistake does not define you as a person. It is much more mature and wise to recognize a mistake than to deny it.
• Name what you are feeling. Deep down, deflection is an attempt to escape from the emotions that make you uncomfortable, so accepting them will reduce that need to divert attention. Allow yourself to be vulnerable. There is nothing wrong in it.
• Address the conflict or problem objectively, instead of getting carried away by emotions, which push you precisely to avoid it. It will help you to imagine that you are another person to assume a psychological distance. Ask yourself, for example, how would your best friend, your father, or even Einstein solve it?

Finally, remember that “deflections discolor life,” as Erving and Miriam Polster said. Avoiding a situation will not make the problem go away. Blaming the other does not make you a better person. And escaping emotions doesn’t make you more resilient.

References:

Perls, F. (2013) El enfoque Gestalt y testigos de terapia. Editorial Cuatro Vientos: Santiago de Chile.

Polster, E. & M. (1973) Terapia gestáltica. Editorial Amorrortu: Buenos Aires.