There was a time, not so long ago, when a single gesture served as a manual of conduct. There was no need to raise one’s voice, or deliver a corrective speech, or repeat the same thing a thousand times like a broken record. A look was enough. JUST THE LOOK. And the child knew it was time to stop fooling around, to sit up straight, to drop what he’d picked up, or to stop bothering the other person.
Those were generations educated with a stare. The current one? Well, not even with a loudspeaker or megaphone. Parents yell at them, try to negotiate, threaten them, beg them to be polite… but the result is usually the same: zero reaction or, worse yet, a look of utter contempt.
Something has changed. And not just in the way we educate, but in what we understand by respect, authority, and self-control.
The pedagogy of silence: when a look said more than a thousand words
In the past, emotions weren’t discussed much in many homes (not everything in life is perfect). But there was an implicit visual code. Children knew what a raised eyebrow or wide-eyed eyes meant.
There was a whole nonverbal grammar that was learned from a young age without needing to be explained. The repertoire was limited but effective: the warning stare, the “we’ll talk about it at home,” the “don’t even think about it,” and, of course, the deadly stare that froze you, no matter what you were doing.
There was no need for punishments or long speeches about natural consequences because we all sensed them. The message was clear: if you made a fool of yourself in public or were out of line, your mother or father would tell you with their eyes. And you knew what that meant. Nothing else was needed.
And no, it wasn’t fear. It was authority. Based on a bond built on affection, but also on the conviction that there are rules and regulations that must be followed. You knew your parents weren’t playing games and that you had to listen to them.
Language inflation and the price of overexplanation
Today, many parents repeat the same phrase in frustration: “I tell him things a thousand times, but he doesn’t listen.” Or worse: “He looks at me as if I bothered him.” We’ve gone from a generation that reacted to the flick of an eyebrow to one that ignores even the desperate cry of “I’m telling you this one last time!”
What has changed?
To begin with, authority.
In the era of respectful parenting (which has great virtues, but is often poorly applied), a kind of fear of setting limits has taken hold, lest we traumatize the child. Firmness is confused with repression, authority with authoritarianism, and consequences with punishment.
Before, a simple “You’re going too far” was enough. Now, everything must be explained, everything justified, and the child’s feelings validated before they stop doing what they’re doing wrong. In theory, this approach is more empathetic, educational, and developmental. But in practice, it often leads to confusion, exhaustion, and a complete loss of hierarchy.
Obviously, it’s important for children to understand the “why” of rules and regulations. It’s also important to foster their critical thinking and independence, but not everything has to be a TED Talk. In certain situations, a “no” or a raised eyebrow should suffice.
If your child is in danger, a “NO” is more effective than a long explanation. If they’re having a tantrum, a clear command is all their brain can understand at that moment. If they’re bothering another child, they should stop immediately, not until they’ve heard, internalized, and hopefully understood that they’re misbehaving.
Furthermore, when we over-explain (note I don’t say “explain”), we give the child a negotiating power that they don’t always know how to wield, simply because they’re too young. Authority then becomes optional. And if everything is negotiable, nothing needs to be listened to. For a 5- or 6-year-old child, that’s equivalent to thinking: “I’ll only obey if I want to or if I agree .”
That’s not freedom. That’s chaos.
Guilt, the burden that parents carry
Many parents today lack positive authority. And those who try feel trapped between guilt, doubt, and the fear of being like their own parents – the very ones who could get you to behave with just a look.
Of course, it’s not all their fault. Society judges mothers and fathers especially harshly. If you’re firm, you’re controlling. If you’re flexible, you’re permissive. If you use the “no” option, you’re old-fashioned. If you reason too much, you’re soft.
The result? A confusing and overanalyzed parenting model that often overwhelms parents, pushing them to the limits of what they can handle. On the other hand, we find children who don’t know what a “nonverbal warning” means.
In fact, numerous studies have shown that an authoritative (but not authoritarian) style with clear rules and structure leads to better social skills, higher self-esteem, and improved academic performance in children and adolescents. In contrast, permissiveness and a lack of boundaries often lead to problematic behaviors.
Do we need to relearn how to educate with OUR LOOK?
Educating with a look wasn’t a magical superpower. It was the result of a clear family structure, where the adult represented a firm role model. Today, in many families, that role has faded because parents want to be companions, colleagues, and friends with “good vibes.”
And the child is lost. Because, although it may not seem like it, children need limits to feel safe. They need to know how far they can go. To know the consequences of their actions. And not to foster fear, but to create a framework of reality and support.
When that framework doesn’t exist or is too ambiguous, anxiety, constant defiance, and emotional disconnection set in. And then, yes, no matter how many times you yell or plead, your child won’t respond.
Obviously, this isn’t about recovering the fear of the past, nor the education based on submission, but rather about developing emotional authority. This is earned through consistency, firmness, and respect, not through shouting or threats, but also not through surrender that seems almost like submission.
Educating with a look isn’t a gesture. It’s a relationship. One in which the adult doesn’t need to raise their voice because their presence already carries weight. Because the child trusts and respects.
The generation educated with a stare understood that a raised eyebrow meant there was a red line. Today’s generation needs three reminders, a symbolic threat, and sometimes a full-blown drama to stop them. And while educational evolution has brought valuable knowledge, we’ve also lost something essential: the ability to restrain through silent authority, not through desperate shouting.
Restoring that balance is possible. Not through punishment, but through firm presence. Not through violence, but through clarity. And, above all, through example. Because educating isn’t about being nice. Educating is about forming. Educating is about loving, but also about containing.
References:
Luyckx, K. et. Al. (2011) Parenting and trajectories of children’s maladaptive behaviors: a 12-year prospective community study. J Clin Child Adolesc Psychol ; 40(3): 468-478.
Grolnick, WS & Pomerantz, EM (2009) Issues and challenges in studying parental control: Toward a new conceptualization. Child Development Perspectives , 3(3): 165–170.
Baumrind, D. (1966) Effects of authoritative parental control on child behavior. Child Development ; 37(4): 887–907.
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