You don’t explode because of what happens, but because of what it reminds you of

Sometimes it happens: someone makes a relatively harmless comment or something seemingly insignificant occurs… and suddenly you explode. You feel overwhelmed, to the point of erupting, even if you don’t quite understand why.

The psychological explanation is simple: many times we do not react to what happens, but to what it awakens within us: memories and echoes of the past, old emotional wounds that never fully healed.

Emotional memory and invisible triggers

We believe we’re simply reacting to what’s happening here and now. We think we’ve exploded because of what someone said or because of the situation that upset us, but often the intensity of the emotion and the accompanying response don’t make sense if we only consider the present. When we delve a little deeper in psychological therapy, we see that behind it all lies a kind of “emotional storage” of old wounds that haven’t fully healed and that reopen when the right trigger arrives.

Emotional memories built from past experiences don’t disappear, even if we think we’ve forgotten them. Our limbic system (the emotional brain) continues to remember what happened. That’s why a simple comment or a seemingly casual gesture can unleash a storm.

In fact, has a song ever catapulted you back to another time in your life, or has a smell ever awakened a particularly vivid memory? The same is true of emotional triggers, stimuli that reactivate old traumatic memories or previous painful experiences, often without you even realizing it.

When those triggers are activated, your brain interprets the present as if it were the past. The old emotion is rekindled, mixed with what is happening now, and you react intensely, as if you were in the original situation.

That’s why, when you explode or become overwhelmed by something trivial, what has unleashed the anger or anguish is not what is happening now, but what that event has activated within you: an old emotional wound, an injustice, or an unresolved fear, for example.

Psychologists are very familiar with this mechanism, particularly in the case of traumatized individuals who have suffered abuse, loss, violence, or abandonment. A study conducted at the University of Zurich with traumatized people demonstrated that exposing them to stimuli related to their trauma triggered intense responses of fear or anger.

Emotional triggers activate this same phenomenon, albeit on a smaller scale. The paradox is that this mechanism, which once served as an “alert” to protect us when we were more vulnerable, can now be completely disproportionate, maladaptive, and create problems for us.

Responding as if the past were happening now will ultimately undermine our relationships and our peace of mind. In the long run, if we don’t deactivate these emotional triggers, they will end up generating double suffering: for us because we feel guilt, confusion, and shame for our reaction, and for the people around us because they bear the brunt of our outburst without understanding its cause.

How to let go of that old emotional burden?

Many of our most visceral reactions have less to do with the present than with the past. And the value of understanding this lies in the fact that it gives us the ability to consciously decide how to react.

Simply recognizing that many of these outbursts stem from the past is the first step, from which psychological consultation typically continues working to help you:

1. Identify your emotional triggers. Pay attention when you get angry or lose your temper. What was happening? What was said to you? How did you feel? Try to link that to a previous memory. Perhaps it wasn’t the words or the event itself, but the emotions it stirred within you. This self-observation practice will help you connect the present moment with the emotional root of your disproportionate reaction, allowing you to understand what’s really going on at its core.
2. Distinguish between what happened before and what’s happening now. When you’re about to explode, it’s important to pause before reacting. Breathe, observe what’s happening, and recognize that you’re no longer in that situation, nor are you the same person. Just a few minutes will be enough for the rational part of your brain to take over again. The sensory focusing technique works very well for me to reconnect with the present. Simply stop and take three conscious breaths. Then, notice five things around you: colors, sounds, textures, smells, movements. Finally, touch something, from a table to your clothes, and notice the sensation, temperature, or texture. As you do this, mentally repeat to yourself: “This is happening now. I’m not in that situation. I’m a different person.”
3. Learn new ways to respond. In psychological therapy, the goal is never to suppress the emotion or the painful memory, but to create new, more adaptive responses. To achieve this, it’s important to consider different ways of responding the next time an emotional trigger arises. When you’re calm, think about alternative behaviors that will allow you to deal with the situation more maturely without feeling the need to explode or become overwhelmed. For example, if you tend to explode when someone criticizes you, consider taking a deep breath and responding with curiosity: “Thank you for your opinion. Do you have any ideas for improvement?” or “Can you give me an example to help me understand better?”

In any case, remember that you have the power to transform your wounds into life lessons. From experience, I know that this transformation takes time, as automatic emotional responses are difficult to shape, but when you finally manage to take control, your past will stop dictating your present and shaping your future. And that will be a great achievement.

Source:

Spiller, TR et. Al. (2019) Emotional Reactivity, Emotion Regulation Capacity, and Posttraumatic Stress Disorder in Traumatized Refugees: An Experimental Investigation. J Trauma Stress; 32(1): 32-41.