Family conflicts occur within all families, no matter how close-knit they are and how well-connected their members are. This is perfectly normal, as all families are made up of people with their own opinions and expectations, so in some situations their desires, needs, and points of view will differ, especially when there are generational differences.
In fact, conflicts aren’t even negative; they can represent an opportunity for growth and making the family more resilient. The problem begins when, instead of focusing on resolving family conflicts, power struggles arise. The problem becomes entrenched and ultimately weakens the relationship between members, causing a functional family to develop dysfunctional behaviors and ways of relating.
How to resolve family conflicts so that everyone grows?
1. Attack the problem, not the person
If you change the nature of the fight, you’ll change its dynamic. This means you must stop throwing stones disguised as arguments. Using blame, shame, and blame to get the other person to do what you want will become less and less effective and will ultimately damage the relationship, as each person will be less willing to make the small concessions necessary to resolve the conflict.
If you don’t keep the problem separate from the relationship, you risk having to resolve an even bigger conflict. Therefore, instead of blaming the other person, it’s better to address the problem. To achieve this, you must consider that conflict is always a matter for both parties, and you will have to resolve it together. Therefore, instead of saying, ” I’m tired of you always doing the same thing ,” a vague and accusatory statement, it’s better to clarify: ” I don’t like that you do that. I think we should talk to find a better solution .”
2. Bite your tongue
When two people who are stakeholders in a relationship have a disagreement, they sometimes say irrational things they later regret. However, words spoken cannot be erased and can create emotional wounds that are very difficult to heal. Therefore, it’s essential that before responding, you reflect for a moment on what you’re about to say.
Remember that it takes two people to have a discussion. If you refuse to become an adversary, there simply won’t be a discussion. This doesn’t mean giving the other person the benefit of the doubt, but simply taking control and expressing yourself more assertively, in order to contribute to resolving the family conflict rather than worsening it.
3. Use personal pronouns correctly
The words you choose are very important, as are the personal pronouns you use. There’s a time for “I” and a time for “you,” although as a general rule, it’s preferable to use “we” since in every conflict there are always two sides.
For example, instead of saying ” you have to fix it, ” you can say ” we have to decide how to fix it .” By using “we” instead of “you,” we show our emotional involvement and prevent the other person from feeling attacked. However, when you need to talk about your opinions and emotions, it’s essential to speak in the first person, rather than using impersonal phrases. This way, you’ll be able to engage the other person much more.
4. Put yourself in someone else’s shoes, and make them put themselves in yours.
One of the main obstacles in resolving family conflicts is that each person becomes entrenched in their own position. However, if each person only thinks from their own perspective, they’ll never solve the problem, or at least they won’t find a mutually satisfactory solution. Sometimes it’s just necessary to step out of that space and put yourself in the other person’s shoes.
Instead of making assumptions, ask the other person to explain how they feel. When it comes to someone close to us, feelings bring us closer than opinions. We may be hurting that person without realizing it, so sometimes we just need to stop interpreting things so much and listen a little more. It’s about changing our attitude: don’t listen to the other person with the goal of refuting their arguments, but with the intention of understanding them. Similarly, you can speak from your feelings to help that person see you in their shoes.
5. Find points of agreement
When two people confront each other, they sometimes run the risk of becoming so locked into their own perspectives that they don’t realize they’re saying the same thing in different words, or that, deep down, they’re pursuing the same goal but differ on the paths to achieving it.
The positive side of family conflicts is that there are almost always many common points we can work on, even if anger and frustration initially blind us to them. A good strategy is to highlight these shared points of view or the shared goal, as this will make both of you feel like you’re on the same page, rather than feeling like you’re each pulling at the end of a rope.
6. Get straight to the point and focus on the future, leaving the past behind.
Interpersonal communication is complex; there’s no need to make it more difficult with wordplay and innuendos that create misunderstandings, especially when an underlying conflict already exists and emotions are running high. We must keep in mind that our words will always be interpreted according to the experiences, needs, and expectations of our interlocutor, so if we truly want to resolve the family conflict, we must make sure that person understands exactly what we mean.
It’s essential not to go off on a tangent by bringing up irrelevant situations or using the discussion to air dirty laundry. To resolve a conflict, it’s necessary to look to the future, not get stuck in the past, creating a vicious cycle of blame. Focus on what you can do to resolve the conflict.
7. Commit
Throwing the buck in someone else’s court isn’t the best strategy for resolving family conflicts. Yet, we constantly apply it, as if it were the other person’s responsibility to solve every problem. This makes the other person feel guilty and will try to defend themselves, increasing the distance between them. However, when a person feels secure and knows they won’t be blamed, they can think more strategically and rationally, rather than becoming defensive.
Approaching conflict from a committed position changes everything. Although in some cases much of the responsibility may fall on the other person, committing to finding a solution and carrying it out together means showing them that we love them and that we are 100% invested in the relationship.
8. Give in, don’t be afraid to take a step back if it helps you take two steps forward
There are different strategies for resolving family conflicts, one of the most common being competitive, in which each person takes sides and fights to win. The curious thing is that they don’t realize that in a relationship, one person’s supposed victory not only means the other’s defeat, but also a loss for the relationship.
Therefore, the best strategy is a collaborative one, where both partners win. And for both partners to win, both must give up something. With this strategy, not only does each person individually win, but the relationship is enriched and strengthened. In fact, the strongest relationships are not those that have not experienced conflict, but precisely those that have managed to overcome these disagreements.
9. Accept and respect
At the root of many family conflicts are unrealistic expectations that go unmet. In other words, we expect others to behave in a certain way or meet certain needs. When they don’t, we feel disappointed and let down.
However, the resolution of conflicts must always be based on acceptance and respect. This means that, while it’s necessary to have common ground to ensure a good coexistence, it’s also essential to respect each other’s individuality and allow them space to be the person they want to be. Therefore, we sometimes need to ask ourselves whether it’s a real conflict or a pseudo-conflict created and fueled by our unrealistic expectations.
10. Change your perspective, neither conflicts are so bad nor is not having conflicts so good.
Last but not least, it’s essential to learn to deal with family conflicts and view them as opportunities for growth. A problem isn’t necessarily an obstacle; it’s also an opportunity for change. It all depends on how you view it.
Many couples, for example, view conflicts as negative events; they believe that having disagreements distances them. However, these differences can also enrich the relationship and help it mature. In fact, no good sailor was forged on a calm sea. On the contrary, in couples who have become very emotionally distant, there are often no conflicts, simply because there isn’t even human contact. And that’s much worse than having conflicts.
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