I come from a family where women grit their teeth and keep going no matter what, and I grew up in a society that has made unwavering resistance its leitmotiv. And that leaves its mark, it shapes your world, no matter how much of a psychologist you are.
As a result, I’ve always believed that any worthwhile achievement comes with a fair amount of sacrifice. If you want to accomplish something significant, you’ll have to make sacrifices along the way. No personal transformation happens without experiencing some discomfort.
I am also convinced that resilience, that word that has become so fashionable lately, is forged in the darkest moments, those in which we are about to throw in the towel, but decide to resist. Despite the exhaustion, the doubts, or the fear.
That means it’s important to persevere and not give up at the first setback. But I’m also aware that sometimes we endure too much, far more than is healthy, advisable, or sensible. At that point, we end up developing a toxic resilience that bears no fruit; it only consumes us from within.
Where does this need to endure at all costs come from?
Almost all of us are children of a culture that, in one way or another, glorifies sacrifice. The entrepreneur who sleeps five hours a day. The mother who never rests. The model student who earned their degree through sheer anxiety and countless cups of coffee. The freelancer who never takes a vacation because it’s never a good time. And even the people who resist, against all odds, the excesses of their politicians and administrators, even when their well-being, and even their lives, are at stake.
They are all applauded and considered worthy of admiration, but we rarely ask them how they are.
Studies, however, have shown that excessive overexertion – that constant pushing forward without rest or time to recover – progressively leads to burnout. Obviously, it doesn’t happen suddenly; it’s a slow but inexorable process that worsens as we demand more and more of ourselves.
Although it may seem curious, this level of self-imposed pressure hasn’t always existed. Leisure and rest were paramount for the ancient Greek philosophers, who couldn’t conceive of a life without time for reflection. They didn’t see rest and disconnection as a “reward” for having worked hard, but as a vital necessity for having what they called a “good life.”
For Aristotle, for example, any excess was a vice because the goal in life was to find the golden mean. Even the Stoic philosophers, who most strongly advocated for restraint, distinguished between things that depend on us and those that are beyond our control. For them, intelligence consisted of focusing on the former and letting go of the latter.
This means that the Stoics didn’t resist out of masochism, but because they wanted to be consistent with their value system. However, the moment something escaped their will or could destroy their moral or mental integrity, they took a step back. And that step back wasn’t seen as weakness, but as wisdom. Touché!
Modern confusion: Resilience is not self-exploitation
You’ve probably grown up hearing phrases like “You have to be strong,” “Don’t give up,” or “Just hang in there.” Sometimes, we all need someone to remind us that we have the strength to endure. But it’s also important not to confuse resilience with self-exploitation, a concept that applies not only to work but to life in general.
We exploit ourselves when we don’t complain, even when we have a thousand and one reasons to do so. We exploit ourselves every time we don’t acknowledge our pain, don’t set boundaries, or don’t ask for help when we need it. We exploit ourselves when we don’t get off the train, even when we know it’s headed straight for burnout. We exploit ourselves every time we set impossible paces for ourselves, maintain routines that drain us, and cling to relationships that have lost their purpose.
But true resilience is not blind resistance, but intelligent adaptation. And adapting doesn’t always mean enduring; sometimes it means changing, slowing down, or even letting go of what has lost its meaning or is harmful to us.
It’s no coincidence that a study conducted at Concordia University found that people who are able to abandon unattainable goals and readjust their objectives have better mental health and report a greater sense of well-being. In certain contexts, giving up or fighting against what is consuming us, instead of stoically enduring it, is the wisest course of action.
The question that changes everything
You don’t need to get lost in the labyrinth of your mind to know when to stop; you just need to change the way you see what’s happening to you. The question isn’t whether you can endure a little longer, but rather, “At what cost?” That changes everything.
You can probably hold out a little longer, but if that requires an excessive sacrifice, it’s probably not worth it. If holding out a little longer is taking a toll on your health, forcing you to abandon your values or dignity, or robbing you of your peace of mind, perhaps the wisest course of action is to let it go or to set the record straight and assert your rights.
The key, like everything in life, lies in moderation, one of those words that seems to be dying out. Don’t give up too soon, but don’t endure the unbearable either. You have to know when it’s time to fight and when it’s time to change course. And that, believe me, ends up being incredibly liberating.
References:
Demerouti, E. (2024) Burnout: a comprehensive review. Z. Arb. Wiss. 78; 492–504.
Wrosch, C. et. Al. (2003) Adaptive Self-Regulation of Unattainable Goals: Goal Disengagement, Goal Reengagement, and Subjective Well-Being. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin; 29(12): 10.1177.
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