The art of unlearning: How to change limiting beliefs?

Every day we decide, think and speak, letting ourselves be guided by our beliefs. Beliefs are always there. Like a kind of underground aquifer, they determine many of our behaviors, sometimes unconsciously, other times more consciously.

We trust our beliefs a lot, simply because they are ours. And many times we confuse them with reality, to the point that we don’t even question them, but rather accept them as immutable and indisputable truths.

However, belief is a subjective truth, a conviction of something that we take for granted, even if it is not necessarily so, so we should not confuse it with objective truth. “They are not ideas that we have, they are ideas that we are,” as Ortega y Gasset wrote.

Beliefs imply a feeling of certainty or conviction; in fact, we use that feeling as irrefutable proof of their truth. But that is not the case.

Beliefs are the foundation of human life because we are immersed in them. They make so much sense to us that they become the background of our entire existence since they operate at the base of our thinking. However, no matter how firm and true they may seem to us, they are nothing more than a reflection of reality filtered through our subjectivity.

Therefore, we should review our beliefs from time to time.

How to change the limiting beliefs that hide in your subconscious?

Examining our beliefs is a very valuable practice. In fact, if you do it from time to time, it has great transformative power. This technique can be applied at any time, but it is particularly effective when you feel stuck in life or in a project. It is also very useful when you have to face an important problem or a conflict.

1. Identify the limiting or irrational belief

The first step is to try to uncover the belief that is causing the action – or inaction. For example, if you are afraid of changing jobs, even though you are not comfortable in your current position, it may be because you believe that you will not be able to start from scratch or that it will be too difficult.

You might also want to examine the beliefs that make you feel frustrated or resentful toward other people, such as your partner or boss. Perhaps deep down, there’s the idea that they don’t love you enough, that they don’t support you, or that they should make your life easier.

That belief is probably limiting you, causing you problems, or even keeping you up at night, but you’ve never questioned it because you assume it’s true. 

2. Question the underlying belief

The second step is to evaluate that idea to check its rationality and make sure it has an objective basis. You can ask yourself some of these questions:

1. What effect does that belief have on me and my life?  Does it motivate you to take care of yourself or act in accordance with your intentions? Or, on the contrary, does it paralyze you or cause frustration? The key is for you to understand the consequences of that belief on your decisions and, in general, on your life.
2. Is that belief really true?  It may seem real… but is it true? The idea is to question what that belief represents. Remember that many times, when we want something to be true, we try to convince ourselves of it. Where does that idea come from? You may find that it was instilled in you in your childhood or adolescence. Or maybe it is the result of erroneous generalizations and hasty judgments. Give your belief a “trial” in which you act as a lawyer, prosecutor, and judge. Ask yourself: What real evidence do I have for believing this? What experiences in my life show that it is not true? If you analyze it coldly, the house of cards you have built around that belief will probably collapse.
3. What could you achieve if you let go of that belief?  Imagine how you would feel if you didn’t think that way. What would it be like? What would you dare to do? Or what would you not do? It’s about envisioning what decisions you would make, how you would feel, or how you would live if you got rid of that which is limiting you.

Once you have completed this exercise, ask yourself if you would like or would be wise to let go of that idea. If it is a limiting belief, getting rid of it will help you grow and develop your potential.

3. Change limiting beliefs for more developing ideas

Eliminating an irrational or limiting belief is not like deleting a file from your computer or mobile phone: the empty space tends to be filled with what you already know. To prevent the old belief from coming back disguised as other thoughts, you need to replace it with a more functional idea that is aligned with your goals.

How to do it? Here is the plan:

• Define a new, more positive and realistic belief. It’s not about jumping from “I’m not capable of public speaking” to “I’m the best speaker in the world ” because your brain won’t believe it. Both beliefs are not very objective. Therefore, choose a middle ground that you can believe in and that motivates you to grow, such as: “I can improve my public speaking skills with practice.”
• Find evidence to support your new belief. An effective way to replace a belief with a more substantial idea is to find facts to support it. If you feel that you are not capable of public speaking, look back because you will probably find situations in which you were able to handle yourself quite well, even if it was with a small group of friends. You can also take note of other problems that you have overcome in the past, since a sense of self-efficacy is essential to changing the beliefs that are most deeply rooted in your subconscious.
• Change your internal narrative with metaphors. Sometimes, especially when it comes to deeply held beliefs, it is difficult to change them by referring to reason alone. In that case, metaphors can become your trump card. Think about how you would describe the belief you want to eliminate and visualize just the opposite. For example, if you perceive it as a “weight that is weighing you down,” imagine literally taking it off like a backpack and walking lighter. If you feel trapped, imagine breaking a rope. This positive visualization technique can become your best ally in moving forward.
• Reinforce it daily. Use affirmations, write your new belief in visible places or repeat it in front of the mirror as if you were rehearsing a motivational speech. Repetition is a very simple and useful NLP technique to reprogram your mind.
• Act on your new belief. Actions are the glue that holds ideas together. If your new belief is that you can improve your communication skills, sign up for a public speaking course, for example. This will help you reinforce the change. It’s about imagining what you could do without that belief and taking the first step in that direction. The secret lies in starting to act from the space of freedom that is generated when you let go of that belief.
• Break the belief down into smaller pieces. Many limiting beliefs are based on big-picture thinking that is often hard to shake off. In that case, it may help to break them down into smaller pieces. If you think, “I can’t speak in public,” start by evaluating and improving small but key areas, such as clear articulation, voice control and intonation, content organization, extraverbal language skills, or persuasion and improvisation skills. Every time you improve in one area, you’re reinforcing your new belief.

Remember that your brain is comfortable with routine and familiar things, but sometimes that familiarity becomes an obstacle to growth. That’s why it’s a good idea to periodically examine your beliefs and commit to changing those that no longer serve you well or that are even hindering you.

References:

Sharot, T. et. Al. (2023) Why and When Beliefs Change. Perspect Psychol Sci; 18(1):142-151.

Diez, A. (2017) Más sobre la interpretación (II). Ideas y creencias. Rev. Asoc. Esp. Neuropsiq; 37(131).