A breakup not only marks the end of a relationship, but also the beginning of an intense and often confusing emotional journey. Suddenly, everything you took for granted disappears, and you find yourself in uncharted territory. This earthquake that shakes the foundations of your life can make it difficult to see beyond the suffering, doubts, and frustration, so you may think you’ll never be able to move on. However, while the healing process takes time, there are ways to manage that emotional pain so that you don’t just survive, but begin to heal.
Why is it so hard to forget someone? What happens in your brain after the goodbye
The emptiness in the chest, the lump in the throat, the certainty that the other is no longer there… Breakups hurt the heart, but what’s really disrupted is the chemical balance in the brain.
Every time you think about your ex, the same brain areas are activated as when you have a toothache, according to a study from Rutgers University. The difference is that the pain of heartbreak tends to last much longer.
These neuroscientists also discovered why it’s so hard to get over a breakup. Love is a kind of addiction, and when it’s taken away from you, you suffer from craving. In other words, your brain responds like that of an addict experiencing withdrawal symptoms: you feel an uncontrollable urge to be with the person you love again. That’s why you stay hooked on the relationship and find it so difficult to move on.
When the relationship is long-standing, getting over the breakup is often even more difficult. A study from the University of Victoria revealed that in long-term relationships, identities become intertwined. Therefore, losing your ex can feel like a part of you has been taken away.
Without that person who complemented you, your self-concept shrinks, so you may feel like you no longer know exactly who you are, what you want, or where you’re going. This state can be particularly distressing and disconcerting. There’s no doubt about it.
However, understanding how your brain and mind are processing the breakup will allow you to give yourself the time and space you need to grieve with greater confidence in your ability to move forward.
Psychological exercises to go from a broken heart to a strong mind
Recovering from a breakup when you’re still in love isn’t just a matter of time, but how you deal with the grief. Although it may seem impossible at first, there are psychological techniques for overcoming a breakup that can help you process what happened, better manage your emotions, and rebuild your self-esteem so you can move forward again.
1. Cognitive refocus on yourself
After a breakup, it’s normal for your thoughts to gravitate toward your ex and everything you used to do together. It’s hard to think about anything else. You may find yourself reliving conversations, revisiting happy moments, or even imagining a future together that’s no longer here. That’s part of the process, but you can’t stay stuck in that loop.
Cognitive refocusing is a technique used in cognitive-behavioral therapy that encourages you to become more aware of all the times your thoughts stray toward your ex so you can try to refocus them on yourself. When you find yourself thinking about what your ex is doing or who they might be with, bring your focus back to yourself. What are you doing right now? Who’s with you? What could you do?
The goal is for you to understand that the time has come to think about your needs, goals, and dreams. Redirecting your thoughts will allow you to focus on what you have and what you’re going to build, instead of feeling nostalgic for what you’ve lost.
2. Cognitive restructuring
When your emotional world falls apart, your “catastrophizing self” is likely to take over and begin imagining the worst-case scenarios. This psychological technique is very useful for identifying the self-destructive thoughts that keep you tied to the relationship and promoting a more balanced outlook that will help you recover.
The first step is to recognize those automatic thoughts that arise after the breakup and that make you feel bad or prevent you from moving forward. These might be thoughts like, “I’ll never find someone like that” or “This is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, I can’t move on.” In a second step, you’ll have to question their veracity . Are they true? Is there evidence to support them? Is it true that you’ll never find someone else? This way, you can gain perspective.
Finally, you should reframe these ideas in a more realistic and balanced way . For example, you can replace a thought like “I’m incapable of overcoming this” with “Even though it’s difficult, I know I have the tools to overcome this stage” or “It’s normal to feel sad, but with time I will heal and learn from this experience.” Reframing your thoughts will help you regain a sense of control and self-efficacy so you can look to the future with more optimism.
3. Letter not sent
Sometimes, you can’t move forward because there’s so much left unsaid and questions unanswered. It ‘s been proven that the brain always seeks closure to reduce uncertainty and ambiguity, so if the breakup took you by surprise or happened abruptly, it will be harder to process and more painful. In these cases, therapeutic writing is helpful.
Writing a letter to your ex expressing everything that’s left unresolved, without intending to send it, helps release pent-up emotions. Express yourself freely, letting your emotions and thoughts flow. Write down everything you need to say to that person or even the questions you’d like to ask. This exercise for getting over a breakup will help you vent and clarify your feelings. In some cases, it could even serve as a closing ritual to bring that chapter of your life to a close.
4. Mindful naming
A breakup can plunge you into a real emotional roller coaster . You can swing from anger to nostalgia and from frustration to sadness, feeling like the pain is dragging you down uncontrollably. In these moments, the mind tends to generalize the discomfort with thoughts like “I feel terrible” or “this is unbearable,” which further intensifies the suffering. When this happens, labeling your emotions will help you regain control .
An experiment conducted at the University of California found that when people label what they feel, a change in brain activity occurs that allows them to move from an “emotional state” to a “rational state.” Therefore, instead of saying “I feel bad,” specify: “I feel sad because I miss our routine” or “I feel angry because he left me without explanation.” This way, you can prevent the discomfort from growing excessively, curb impulsiveness, and react more calmly.
5. Reverse gratitude
After a breakup, it’s common to focus on the negative and the feeling of loss . You find yourself thinking about what went wrong, what you no longer have, and what could have been. And while this process is natural, to move forward, you need to shift your focus. To achieve this, in breakup therapy, psychologists often use a technique known as reverse gratitude.
It involves identifying the positive aspects that have emerged from the breakup, even in the midst of the pain. It’s not about forcing yourself to see the separation as a “good thing,” but rather recognizing that with loss also comes learning and new opportunities.
So, write down at least three things you’re grateful for after the breakup. They can be obvious changes, like having more time for yourself or recovering a forgotten hobby. Or more subtle aspects, like learning to set boundaries or understanding what you really need in a relationship.
When you train your mind to focus on more constructive aspects, you reduce negative rumination and strengthen your self-esteem. Over time, these exercises for overcoming a breakup will help you rebuild from a more resilient perspective, so you don’t see the breakup just as an end, but also as a new beginning.
And how long does it take to get over a breakup? It depends. The psychologists at the Mia Program, who specialize in attachment wounds and relational trauma, say it takes an average of six months to two years, although that doesn’t mean you’ll spend the entire time suffering, as the pain generally subsides as acceptance takes hold.
What if I don’t get better? Applying these psychological techniques will ease the emotional impact of the breakup and help you move forward. However, if you feel the pain is too intense or negative thoughts are overwhelming you, seeing a therapist will help you manage your grief more effectively. Having a safe space to process the loss and work on your well-being will make the goodbye less overwhelming and more bearable. You don’t have to face everything alone: asking for help is also a way to take care of yourself.
References:
Lewis, N.A. & Yoneda, T. (2021) Within-Couple Personality Concordance Over Time: The Importance of Personality Synchrony for Perceived Spousal Support. J Gerontol B Psychol Sci Soc Sci; 76(1): 31-43.
Fisher, H. E. et. Al. (2010) Reward, addiction, and emotion regulation systems associated with rejection in love. J Neurophysiol; 104(1): 51-60.
Kruglanski, A. W., & Fishman, S. (2009) The need for cognitive closure. In M. R. Leary & R. H. Hoyle (Eds.) Handbook of individual differences in social behavior (pp. 343–353). The Guilford Press.
Lieberman, M. D. et. Al. (2007) Putting feelings into words: affect labeling disrupts amygdala activity in response to affective stimuli. Psychological Science; 18(5): 421-428.
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