“I’m sincere,” someone adds after having said – probably – the most unpleasant words you’ve heard in a long time. And that tagline is becoming too common, generally to justify rudeness, destructive criticism or even the cruelest comments and gratuitous attacks.
What misunderstood sincerity hides
Phrases like “I’m going to be honest with you” are generally used to express disagreement. We usually say: “I’m going to be honest with you, what you say seems as stupid as…” or “I’m going to be honest with you, you look terrible.” However, we rarely use that expression to say something positive. We don’t feel the need to say: “I’m going to be honest with you, I completely agree with you” or “I’m going to be honest with you, you look great.”
And that means that we are aware that we must “apologize” in advance for what we are going to say and, what is even worse, that we know that it will make our interlocutor feel bad, but we still decide to go for it. In the vast majority of cases, “I’m sincere” becomes a mantra to justify impertinence. We use this phrase as a kind of shield, as if frankness could excuse everything.
It is as if we assume that we have reached a social consensus according to which saying “I’m sincere” becomes a license to criticize, humiliate or say the first thing that comes to mind to the person in front of us.
Of course, there is no doubt that telling the truth is important and saves us a lot of time and misunderstandings. Honesty can foster closeness and connection, but sincerity taken to the extreme becomes sincericide. And that can do a lot of damage.
Therefore, if you are one of those people who say “I’m sincere” at the first opportunity, without the slightest delicacy and without measuring the consequences of your words, on this occasion I am going to be very sincere with you: it is possible to tell the truth without hurting the feelings of others, with delicacy and kindness.
When is it better to avoid sincerity?
If what you are going to say is due more to your need to be sincere than to a genuine desire to help the other person, be silent.
If your sincerity is due more to your desire to stand out or feel superior than to the desire to contribute something valuable, keep quiet.
If before speaking you have not taken the time to put yourself in the place of the person in front of you to try to understand them, be silent.
If your words can hurt without providing any benefit, be silent.
If your sincerity is unnecessary or completely out of place, be silent.
If you are not able to say what you think with the necessary delicacy, keep quiet.
And if you don’t even have the time or the desire to stay next to the person you just “knocked out” with your outburst of sincerity, to accompany them and extend your hand so that they can get up and change, keep quiet too.
We are able to deal with the truth much better than we think, as a study conducted at the universities of Chicago and Carnegie Mellon showed, but it all depends on the form that sincerity takes. Psychologists from the universities of Michigan and Rochester also found that when we are too direct, sincere expressions often feel bad and can hurt the person, even damaging the relationship. That doesn’t happen when we tell the truth sensitively.
Therefore, if you have recently heard a speech that began or ended with “I’m sincere”, do not let that rudeness – and sometimes even selfishness – camouflaged as “good intentions” make you feel bad. People who truly love you or who want you to be well will look for the best way to help you and tell you what is happening without harming you.
References:
Lea, B. M. et. Al. (2022) When the truth helps and when it hurts: How honesty shapes well-being. Current Opinion in Psychology; 46: 101397.
Bilbao, A. (2019) Para todos los que son “muy sinceros” (…y para los que no lo son también)
Levine, E. E., & Cohen, T. R. (2018) You can handle the truth: Mispredicting the consequences of honest communication. Journal of Experimental Psychology; 147(9): 1400–1429.
