There are jokes that make you laugh and jokes that leave a strange, hard-to-explain feeling. They don’t hurt like a direct insult, but they don’t go unnoticed either. They’re those lines delivered with a smile and finished with “Come on, it was just a joke,” that force you to decide in a matter of milliseconds whether to laugh so you don’t seem overreacting or say something and risk looking like a bitter person with no sense of humor.
However, sometimes “Many a true word is spoken in jest,” as the saying goes. What do we do in those cases? Do we let it go or do we put a stop to it?
When the joke isn’t as innocent as it seems
Humor is a very powerful psychological tool. In fact, laughter is a form of communication. A study conducted at University College London on the functions of social laughter revealed that it brings us closer to others.
Besides fostering camaraderie, humor helps relieve tension and allows difficult things to be said without sparking conflict. In many contexts, a clever and well-executed joke softens uncomfortable truths and allows the message to be received more effectively.
But that’s not always the case.
Some jokes aren’t meant to relieve tension, but rather to mark territory. Disparagement humor, for example, focuses precisely on degrading, humiliating, or underestimating the other person. Interestingly, research from the University of Macedonia revealed that the prevalence of this type of “humor” has increased in the last two decades. In other words, we criticize more, but without exposing ourselves, hiding behind supposed jokes.
The psychological trick of “just kidding”
The “It was just a joke” excuse serves a very specific purpose: to shift responsibility. The message is out there, but if it causes discomfort, the problem becomes your reaction, not what was said. If you’re bothered by it, you’re overreacting, and if you react negatively, you don’t know how to take humor. But if you stay silent, the comment is normalized.
It’s an elegant trap.
This type of humor has an advantage for the person using it: it allows them to say things they wouldn’t dare to say directly. And it also offers a “clean” way out because if you react, they can always resort to “It was just a joke.” Psychologically, it’s a low-cost form of aggression that passive-aggressive people often use.
In fact, it’s no coincidence that these kinds of comments disguised as jokes tend to appear in environments where there are power imbalances: work, family, or closed social groups. They are more common in contexts where a direct confrontation could have undesirable consequences for the person making the joke.
The psychological impact of these “little” jokes
The most damaging aspect of this type of humor is its silent accumulation. A single joke might go unnoticed, but when it’s repeated over and over, it begins to erode your self-image. Over time, it becomes a constant questioning of your judgment, sensitivity, or worth, while simultaneously weakening the relationship.
In fact, these kinds of jokes create a very subtle emotional invalidation. They don’t explicitly tell you that you’re exaggerating, that you’re worthless, or that you don’t understand. They suggest it. But by doing so in a lighthearted way, they rob you of the right to complain or defend yourself.
Over time, many people end up doubting their reaction more than the comment itself. Instead of objectively examining what was said, your attention shifts to your reaction, and you question yourself: Am I being too sensitive? Am I misunderstanding? And that doubt is the real problem.
Making jokes: when is it okay – and when isn’t it?
You don’t need to be a particularly astute psychologist to detect these kinds of jokes. In fact, your subconscious will know it before you do.
Healthy humor usually leaves you feeling lighter afterward. It might make you uncomfortable for a moment, but it doesn’t humiliate, it’s not constantly repeated, and it doesn’t target any obvious vulnerability. Furthermore, it allows for a response. It leaves room to return the joke without fear.
But above all, healthy humor doesn’t need to be hidden. If you ask, “Are you serious?”, the answer shoudn’t be “It was just a joke,” but a clear explanation.
Basically, humor can be a legitimate form of criticism when it meets three conditions:
- There is trust between the parties
- There is reciprocity
- There is a possibility of further dialogue
In contrast, criticism disguised as humor leaves a trail of tension and a bitter taste. And if you try to respond, the other person gets offended or accuses you of not being able to laugh at yourself. There’s no playfulness. There’s a hierarchy.
Furthermore, these comments always point in the same direction, whether it’s your personality, your sensitivity, your work style, or your character. Therefore, they are usually an indirect attack.
How do you respond when they use humor to invalidate you?
The answer isn’t to laugh out of obligation or to confront aggressively. The most effective approach is usually to eliminate ambiguity. Sometimes something as simple and direct as, “I didn’t find what you said funny,” is enough. You don’t have to justify yourself. The goal isn’t to convince, but to set a boundary.
Another option is to shift the responsibility : “If it was a joke, explain what was so funny because I didn’t get it.” This question forces the other person to take ownership of their words and explain themselves seriously.
In any case, remember that not all jokes deserve a response. It’s also wise to decide where to invest your energy because some battles aren’t even worth fighting.
However, if the pattern persists, it’s helpful to name the dynamic. You could say something like, “Lately, many of your jokes have been along the same lines, and I’m not comfortable with that.” You don’t have to attack, but rather describe how you feel.
If the other person gets upset, it means they understand that they can no longer hide behind that kind of joke and that if they want to say something, they will have to do it directly, in a more mature way.
Obviously, humor is an excellent tool for uniting, relieving tension, and connecting people. But when it’s used to criticize without taking responsibility, it ceases to be humor and becomes a sophisticated form of denigration.
Learning to distinguish between one situation and the other will prevent you from falling into toxic dynamics that silently wear you down.
References:
Gray, A.W. et Al (2015). Laughter’s Influence on the Intimacy of Self-Disclosure. Human Nature; 26(1):28-43.
Hatzithomas, L. et. Al. (2021) A superiority-inferiority hypothesis on disparagement humor: the role of disposition toward ridicule. Journal of Consumer Behaviour; 20(4): 923-941.
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