Stop telling yourself that you have to get over a loss – or whatever happened to you

How many times have you told yourself, “I have to get over this”? And how many times have you felt bad about not being able to?

We’ve all, at some point, felt pressured to get over a loss, trauma, or a life stage we’ve left behind. Whether it’s a breakup, a job loss, a major life change, or even the death of a loved one, there’s social and personal pressure to “move on” quickly.

But what happens when that pressure becomes an additional burden on top of the pain we’re already feeling? What happens when we demand things of ourselves that aren’t realistic or healthy?

The pressure to overcome losses: where does it come from?

Losses hurt. Emotional traumas sting. And instead of giving us time to process them, it seems as if the world around us is screaming at us to get over it at breakneck speed.

We live in a hectic society that values ​​productivity, resilience, and the ability to “move on” almost immediately. Phrases like “time heals everything” or “you have to be strong”  are so normalized that we often repeat them to ourselves without questioning their relevance.

If you lose a job, you’re often told that “something better is coming” before you can even come to terms with what’s happened. If you’re going through a breakup, there’s an endless list of advice on how to “move on” without looking back. And if you’re facing a profound personal loss, you may feel compelled to “be okay” so as not to upset others.

Likewise, the fear of emotional pain and the belief that we must be strong, independent, and decisive can push us to reject our emotions and seek quick solutions to silence them. Paradoxically, this defense mechanism often prolongs the suffering, preventing the wound from healing properly. In fact, the pressure to quickly overcome loss or trauma often has negative consequences for our mental health.

What happens when you force yourself to be okay

After experiencing a shocking event, your mind tends to compartmentalize. When the pain or exhaustion is intense, you may tell yourself, “I’ve dealt with this enough” or “I don’t have time for this,” and temporarily refocus your attention and energy.

Obviously, this will allow you to keep functioning when you feel like everything is falling apart. You’ll still be able to work, shop, and socialize, but the harsh reality is that the things you’ve buried still exist.

If you don’t give yourself the time and space you need to fully process these painful experiences, you may struggle to manage your emotions. You may numb yourself and disconnect emotionally, which could lead to depression. Or those repressed feelings may eventually surface in the worst ways and in the most inappropriate situations, through angry outbursts, panic attacks, or even somatizations.

Furthermore, telling yourself you need to get over it can block you from processing the loss, leading to a complicated grief. That is, you remain stuck, unable to fully accept what happened because you haven’t given yourself enough time for your inner world to restructure.

And the worst part is that this pressure to move on often leads to self-blame. The belief that “it should be better”  can make you feel weak, vulnerable, and incapable. Therefore, the pain of loss or trauma is compounded by feelings of guilt for not being able to move on as quickly as expected.

Facing loss without self-deception

After a life-changing event or a loss that shakes our foundations, it’s normal to struggle to put the broken pieces back together. Obviously, no one likes to feel bad, and it’s normal to want to recover as quickly as possible. But you also need to be aware of when you’re pushing yourself too hard. Give yourself the space and time you need to reflect on how the event has impacted you.

There are no “small losses” if they’ve had a major impact on you. Sometimes, losing a routine, an expectation, or a dream hurts too. Sometimes, losing a pet can be incredibly painful, regardless of what others think or say. Therefore, it’s important to be aware of the magnitude of what has happened to you.

Loss and emotional trauma affect us on different levels, some deeper and others more superficial. To better understand this, you can ask yourself:

• Has that loss disrupted an important part of my identity?
• Has it triggered any relevant fears or concerns?
• Does it affect my perception of self-efficacy?

The deeper the damage, the more time it will take to restructure your psychological universe.

Give yourself permission to not “get over it” yet

Overcoming loss isn’t a race or a chore. It’s a unique and personal process that doesn’t follow a pre-established timeline. That doesn’t mean wallowing in grief, but rather giving yourself the time and space you need to navigate it in a healthy way. Without adding completely unnecessary pressure at a time when you’re already vulnerable.

Whether the loss is large or small, tangible or intangible, your pain is valid and deserves attention. Instead of telling yourself, “I should just get over it,” ask yourself, “What do I need right now?” Treat yourself with compassion and patience. Allow yourself to rest and find assertive ways to release what you feel. True strength isn’t in “moving on” at any cost, but in allowing yourself to feel and heal at your own pace.