Sometimes we’re unaware we have a problem. Sometimes the problem creeps into our lives, and we think we have everything under control until we realize it’s an illusion. When we don’t acknowledge the existence of a problem, we run the risk of stumbling over the same stone again and again, the main idea of this interesting story.
CHAPTER ONE
I’m walking down a street and there’s a big hole. I don’t see it, and I fall in. It’s deep and dark. It takes me a long time to get out. It’s not my fault.
CHAPTER TWO
I go down the same street. There’s a big hole and I see it, but I fall back in. It’s deep and dark. It takes me a long time to get out. It’s not my fault yet.
CHAPTER THREE
I’m walking down a street. There’s a big hole, and I see it, but I keep falling in again. It became a habit. But I’m learning how to get out of the hole quickly. I recognize my flaw.
CHAPTER FOUR
I go down a street. There’s a big hole. I go around it.
CHAPTER FIVE
I go down a different street.
This simple story is a perfect analogy for life itself, for all those moments when we fall into that enormous hole, even though we’re perfectly aware of its existence and even though we know it will be very difficult to climb out. That hole can represent practically anything that hurts us but that we can’t seem to leave behind, from alcohol and food to a toxic relationship.
Compulsive repetition, or why we stumble over the same stone again and again
If we don’t recognize a problem, we’ll continue to practice the same behaviors and ways of thinking that got us to where we are. To paraphrase Einstein, we can’t expect different results if we always do the same thing. In fact, many people end a toxic relationship only to find that the same pattern repeats itself in their next relationship. Why?
The problem isn’t just others; it’s our expectations, habits, and ways of thinking that trap us in a vicious cycle. This is what’s known as compulsive repetition, an impulse that leads us to repeat the same habits and thought patterns, even if they lead us to situations that are harmful to us.
In many cases, this compulsive repetition develops in childhood; it’s patterns we learned from our parents or ways of reacting that have become automated. As children, we learned many things through imitation, from brushing our teeth to writing to riding a bike. In the same way, we acquire emotional habits, thought patterns, ways of relating, and conflict resolution strategies.
When we grow up, we don’t question these learnings, but they can become so maladaptive that they lead us to painful situations. The problem is that we often lack the psychological resources to cope with the necessary change, so we protect ourselves by “hiding” the true cause of the problem. We ignore the hole in the sidewalk.
Although it may seem unlikely, our fear of leaving our comfort zone is enormous. We’re likely to hurt ourselves in that zone, but it’s the space we know and where we’ve found balance. Leaving that comfort zone means jumping into the unknown and accepting a certain degree of uncertainty, a situation that can make us feel extremely helpless and vulnerable.
It’s a very difficult phase because we fall again and again; we can feel like we’re at a dead end. When we reach rock bottom, we only have two options: either we stay there, slowly wearing ourselves down, or we muster the strength to get out and change everything that needs to be changed.
How to learn the lesson and move forward?
It’s essential not to point the finger of blame at others in search of an external culprit; we must examine our consciences. The pothole in the street is there for everyone, but not everyone falls into it. Learning to navigate around that hole is a decision we must make consciously. To achieve this, we first need to discover what ways of thinking, attitudes, and ways of relating are fostering this compulsive repetition.
Then we have to muster the courage to step out of our comfort zone. It’s true that outside of that space there’s a certain degree of uncertainty, but if we stay within the circle we already know, we’ll only continue to hurt ourselves. We can step out of that comfort zone by taking small steps so that we don’t feel so anxious, expanding our living space every day.
It can help to start with small changes, such as taking a different route to work, trying a different dish, or daring to do something you’ve never done before. Think about your usual way of doing things and dealing with problems and try to introduce an element of novelty—do something different. These small things will allow you to break out of the bubble you’ve created around yourself, recalibrating reality so that you realize that change isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
Slow down, look deeper inside yourself, and make decisions. Consider that the first step doesn’t get you where you want to go, but it gets you out of where you are. Go slow and learn to trust your instincts a little more.
It’s also important to prepare yourself for all the excuses you’ll make. They’re the result of fear of the unknown, the part of you that wants to keep you tied to the past. Be aware that they’re just that: excuses to stop you from moving forward.
Last but not least, don’t beat yourself up for falling into that hole. It happens to all of us. It’s a life experience you can use to learn and emerge stronger.
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