It doesn’t matter, it’s the same, I don’t mind… The invisible danger of self-effacement

How many times have you told yourself, “it doesn’t matter,” “I don’t mind giving in,” “it’s not a big deal,” or “if he/she’s okay, I’m okay with it” ? Those seemingly innocuous words could hide a more dangerous pattern beneath their surface: self-effacement.

At first glance, they may even seem like a sign of empathy, flexibility, or emotional maturity. But when giving in becomes the norm, when your desires, needs, and emotions are constantly relegated to the background, the price you pay is high.

These words may mean that you’ve internalized that what you feel, think, or need isn’t important enough to be taken into account. Every time you give in, you diminish yourself a little, which further distances you from yourself, to the point where you stop seeing yourself, no longer caring about yourself, and, eventually, no longer caring about yourself.

When Your Voice Fades: The Consequences of Continually Giving In

The habit of giving in, even to the point of self-effacement, is a long, silent, and often imperceptible process. At first, it’s a small surrender: “It doesn’t matter where we eat, you choose,” or “I don’t care where we go on vacation, as long as you’re happy.”

Then, more important decisions begin to convey the message: “What I want isn’t that important; what matters is that the he or she is okay.” And suddenly, one day you may look in the mirror and no longer know what excites you, what you want, or what defines you.

In fact, the consequences of constantly giving in can be devastating. You disconnect from your feelings, stop standing up for what’s important to you, and, without realizing it, become a spectator in your own life.

The problem isn’t just that you give in—sometimes you have to, and it’s even healthy—but that by doing so, you lose yourself. Every time you minimize what you feel or think, you’re telling your mind that your emotions and ideas aren’t worth it. Over time, this can lead to a deep sense of emptiness, frustration, and emotional disconnection.

Furthermore, relationships can become unbalanced: if you get used to giving in, others are likely to get used to you taking a backseat as well, reinforcing a cycle in which your voice becomes more and more subdued. So you can reach a point where what you once did to please and make others happy becomes an obligation because others don’t even consider you.

The tendency toward self-effacement: where does it come from?

There are several psychological reasons behind the tendency to relegate oneself to the background and give in to others:

• Early learning. If you grew up in an environment where your needs were consistently minimized or where being “good” meant being accommodating and not contradicting others, you’ve likely internalized the idea that to be accepted and loved, you must always prioritize others and take a discreet backseat.
• Fear of conflict. Many people give in simply to avoid confrontation. If you have a strong aversion to conflict, you may prefer to suppress your ideas, needs, or feelings, especially if you think they could be a source of tension, arguments, or disagreements. And while it’s wise to choose which battles to fight, always throwing in the towel leads to helplessness.
• Low self-esteem. If you believe you’re not valuable enough or worthy of being taken into account, you’re likely to think that what you want, feel, or need isn’t relevant. In that case, thoughts like  “I’m not so important”  or  “what I feel doesn’t count”  may have taken root in your mind, guiding your decisions and behaviors. Therefore, you’ll tend to give in and self-deprecate.
• Social reinforcement. In a world where we’re taught from a young age to prioritize connection with others, many people have never learned to assertively express their needs. Phrases like“it’s not that big a deal”  or “I don’t want any trouble”  become a mantra that justifies silencing what truly matters to them. In fact, society often rewards self-denial, especially in certain roles (such as motherhood or relationships), making setting boundaries perceived as selfish.

How to stop self-defeating? Psychological strategies to find your voice again

The good news is that this pattern of constant self-destruction can be changed. It’s not about becoming intransigent or selfish, but about finding a balance where your needs and desires carry equal weight with those of others.

1. Acknowledge and validate your emotions . The first step is to stop minimizing what you feel. If something matters to you, it matters. Period. Before making decisions, get into the habit of looking within so you can reconnect with your needs, feelings, and desires. Ask yourself: What do I really want? How do I feel about this choice? Start by recognizing those moments when you silence yourself. When you feel the urge to downplay what’s happening to you, pause and ask yourself: “If a friend told me this, would I tell them it’s not important?” Chances are the answer is no. So why are you treating yourself differently?
2. Review your limiting beliefs. Identify that inner voice that tells you you’re not important. Ask yourself: Is it really true? Where does it come from? You’ll likely discover that this mental chatter is actually phrases you heard as a child or the words of other significant people in your life. Replace that dialogue with affirmations like, “My needs are just as valid as anyone else’s.”
3. Revalue your voice. How many times have you ignored a desire or need because it seemed “insignificant” or because you thought it “wasn’t that big a deal”? How many times have you avoided asking for help because “others have it worse” or minimized your tiredness because “everyone is busy”? However, what you feel, think, and need is valid, even if it’s not transcendental, epic, or worthy of a movie. Your voice doesn’t need great tragedies to deserve to be heard. After all, happiness is made up of those little things that make you feel good.
4. Learn to say no. Saying “no” isn’t selfish; it’s healthy and often essential. If you struggle with saying no, start with small, everyday decisions, like choosing a movie or a restaurant. Instead of the usual “I don’t care,” you can say, “I understand, but this time I need to prioritize myself,” or a simple “I don’t want that.” If you feel like taking a break, take it without justifying yourself. If you need support, ask for it without minimizing what’s happening to you. And if something makes you happy, enjoy it without feeling like you need a reason. Remember not to justify every “no” you say.
5. Develop assertiveness. Assertiveness is a learned skill that will help you express your needs and opinions clearly and respectfully. The DESC technique (Describe, Express, Specify, Consequences) will be very useful for asserting your ideas, desires, or needs. To apply it:
   • Describe  the situation that bothers you objectively.
   • Express  how it makes you feel.
   • Specify  what you need.
   • Consequences, explain the positive result of satisfying your need.

Remember: You matter

Stopping self-effacement isn’t an act of selfishness, but of self-love. It’s not about stopping caring for others or becoming insensitive to their needs, but about including yourself in that equation. Because you are important too. And if you don’t start acknowledging yourself, listening to yourself, and giving yourself space, no one will do it for you.

When you prioritize yourself, you’re not only taking care of yourself, but you’re also building more authentic and balanced relationships. So the next time you’re about to say “it doesn’t matter” or “I don’t mind” ask yourself:  “Does it really matter, or am I minimizing something important to me?” You matter, and so do what you feel, think, and need.