A man was in the hospital with a broken leg after being hit by a truck. He read in the newspaper that trucks were prohibited from driving on the street where the accident happened. So he concluded that he was dreaming because “nothing can happen that isn’t meant to happen.”
This story by the poet Christian Morgenstern, taken up by Karen Horney in “The Tyranny of the Should,” may seem far-fetched to us, but it perfectly reflects how we often succumb to the tyranny of “shoulds” without questioning them, especially when it comes to our identity.
Who do you want to be?
There is a very subtle way of losing yourself that has nothing to do with major existential crises or dramatic decisions, but with something much more everyday, like starting to live guided by what you are supposed to be.
In fact, when you ask yourself what kind of person you want to become, who answers? According to Karen Horney, the answer often doesn’t come from within but from an “idealized self” that has been socially constructed. From a young age, we learn that there is a version of ourselves that is more acceptable than another. Generally, the “acceptable” version doesn’t bother anyone, pleases everyone, and fits societal expectations.
As a result, when we try to build ourselves up, we do so based on what we believe we “should” be: more resilient, more patient, more successful, more determined people, and so on.
Obviously, the problem isn’t that you aspire to certain standards, but that those “shoulds” become your guide, without you being entirely sure if that’s truly what you want or if it’s simply what you’ve been taught you should want. It sounds like a play on words, but it’s a very serious matter because in that effort to fit into our “ideal self,” we end up drifting away from ourselves without even realizing it.
The antidote, according to Horney, is not in adding more layers, but in starting to remove them.
The distance between the “real self” and the “ideal self”
Horney argued that when we focus too much on that “idealized self,” we lose touch with who we truly are. In fact, almost all of us live divided between our two versions:
- The real me, who we are today, which includes everything we feel and think
- My ideal self, what we believe we should be
The greater the distance between them, the more psychological tension arises. Horney believed that “A person is never fully aware of the impact of their inner tyranny or its nature,” but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t translate into discomfort, which generally sends very specific signals:
- You don’t enjoy what you do
- You demand too much of yourself
- You often feel inadequate
- You blame and berate yourself every other day
- You are accompanied by a feeling of permanent dissatisfaction
All of this is the result of fighting against ourselves, of forcing ourselves to go in a direction that, deep down, isn’t our own. In fact, Horney warned that “shoulds” are not mere suggestions, but rather have a strong coercive character.
“Internal dictates, like political tyranny in a police state, operate with absolute disregard for a person’s psychological state, for what they can feel or do as they are in the present.” Basically, this internalized voice doesn’t take into account how you are, your life experiences, or even your actual limitations; it simply dictates what you “should” feel, think, or do. And if you don’t, guilt arises.
As Horney said, “Ideals have a binding power over our lives” because they often become a form of self-imposed demand that does not listen or negotiate, and thus gradually disconnects you from yourself.
Stop looking so much outside and start looking inside
Despite this, Horney didn’t believe ideals were inherently negative, but she cautioned that they can become a mask. And the problem with living behind a mask isn’t just that it’s exhausting, but that over time we forget the person behind it.
That’s why sometimes true change doesn’t begin by setting more goals, but by letting go of baggage. It starts with letting go of impossible demands, the need to meet other people’s expectations, constant comparisons, and even the vision of the person you want to be.
When you let go of all that, you create space for your true self to emerge without so much pressure. You might discover that you aspire to much simpler goals. Or perhaps you aspire to much more than you think you should.
Horney wasn’t suggesting lowering expectations or resigning oneself, but simply reconnecting with oneself. And to do that, it’s important that:
- Accept what you feel, even if it doesn’t fit with what you’re “supposed” to feel
- Recognize your limitations without turning them into terrible flaws
- Allow yourself not to always function like the “best version” of yourself
Ultimately, it’s not about ceasing to grow, but about growing meaningfully, in a direction that truly satisfies and fulfills you. It’s not the same to try to improve from a place of rejection, thinking you’re not enough, as it is to try to improve from a place of acknowledging your reality and with your sights set on what you truly want.
Source:
Horney, K. (1950) The tyranny of the should. In: Neurosis and human growth: The struggle toward self-realization (64-85). W. W. Norton & Company: New York.
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