Self-esteem has become a commanding word. And for many also in the solution to all evils. In fact, more and more people show up to a psychologist with a clear request: increase their self-esteem.
However, self-esteem is not raised by positive phrases and optimistic thoughts. In this way we only manage to create a bubble that, sooner or later, will burst, leaving behind a trail of confusion, frustration and disappointment.
What is inflated self-esteem?
The word esteem comes from the Latin aestĭmus and aestimatio (from the verb aestimo), which meant to value, appraise, judge, consider or appreciate in popular language, but also “worthy of being appreciated”, according to an etymological study carried out at the Università degli Studi di Firenze.
Therefore, self-esteem is the extent to which we value, consider or appreciate ourselves. In psychological terms, it refers to the perceptions, feelings and thoughts we have about ourselves, our personality and resources, both psychological and physical.
Self-esteem, therefore, is based on self-concept, which is the perception we have of ourselves and is built based on our experiences with others, taking into account the attributions we make of our behavior, achievements and failures. Therefore, if we make a positive assessment of our self-concept, it will be accompanied by feelings of personal worth and self-acceptance, but if that assessment is negative it will generate feelings of rejection and worthlessness.
As a result, we can develop:
• Low self-esteem, when we believe that we are not worth enough and we do not appreciate our achievements and qualities to the full extent
• Healthy self-esteem, when we are aware of our qualities and defects, so that we value ourselves in a balanced way and appreciate ourselves for who we are
• Inflated self-esteem, when we make an excessive assessment of ourselves that does not correspond to our real achievements and abilities, generally ignoring our deficiencies and weaknesses
In fact, many people confuse healthy self-esteem with one that has been artificially raised.
Closing the eyes to the evidence
Self-esteem is a multidimensional concept that not only includes the positive and most desirable aspects of the person, but also those less valuable characteristics or “defects.” Healthy self-esteem is not unconditional self-affirmation, but is born from a mature self-concept and a realistic vision of our potential and limitations.
In fact, self-esteem develops from the relationships we maintain and is fed by the results we obtain in our daily lives. It feeds on small achievements, recognitions and successes, but also takes note of setbacks, criticism and failure.
On the other hand, the person with artificially high self-esteem usually relies on an “ideal self.” The assessment they make of themselves is not based on a deep analysis of who they are, but on an idealized image, which leads them to exaggerate their qualities and achievements, ignoring their shadows or failures.
In this sense, a study carried out at the University of Michigan revealed that people with inflated self-esteem have a tendency to overvalue what they know. And even if they are shown that they do not know as much as they think, they continue to think that their opinions are more objective and valid than those of others.
How is it possible?
Because they tend to choose biased information that supports their beliefs. And they do it consciously, which means that they prefer to maintain the image they have formed of themselves rather than experience the discomfort generated by data that calls into question their sense of “self.”
The characteristics of people with inflated self-esteem
The self-concept is forged since we are children, so people who develop inflated self-esteem generally:
1. They had permissive parents who did not set clear limits and rules
2. They were raised with an excessively complacent and overprotective attitude
3. They had helicopter parents who tried to avoid all kinds of frustrations
4. Their opinion was law or their needs always prevailed over those of others
5. They conveyed to them the idea that they can achieve anything they set out to do, simply because “they deserved it”
As a result, it is not strange that these people have ended up developing an artificially high self-esteem that leads them to overvalue their abilities, attributes and skills, becoming exaggerated and attributing more rights to themselves than to the others. Inflated self-esteem leads to:
• Think that they can do everything, and that there is no one better than them
• They believe they are always right and never wrong
• They are overconfident, so they do not see the risks involved in their decisions
• They believe that all people should recognize their “exceptionality” and praise them
• They are excessively positive, to the point of developing toxic optimism
• They become so absorbed in their world that they believe they have more rights than the others
We can deny reality for a time, but not for life
The popularization of extreme positive thinking and the belief that everything is possible – it is enough to desire it intensely – feeds a naïve attitude that also leads many people to turn their backs on reality and even on themselves – at least as long as they can.
Of course, no one doubts that if we manage to maintain good self-esteem we will be able to resist criticism better, we will assume a more open attitude towards the others, we will dare to take more risks to fight for our dreams and, in general, we will live in a more satisfactory way.
However, since artificially elevated self-esteem does not match with reality, these people run the risk of falling into a self-feeding loop, denying themselves opportunities for growth.
If a person believes that they are perfect and do not need to change anything, they become blind to their faults and cannot continue learning and evolving. Ultimately, being able to detect our weaknesses and recognize our mistakes is essential to achieve a transformative change that turns us into more mature and assertive people.
Therefore, an inflated self-esteem is a condemnation to psychological immobility, often followed by a state of chronic dissatisfaction when reality finally forces us to look in the mirror. In these cases, from sky-high self-esteem we go to rock-bottom self-esteem. There is usually no middle ground.
Therefore, the way to increase self-esteem is not to focus solely on our achievements and repeat to ourselves that we are the best, but to take stock of what we have to develop a growth mindset.
Healthy self-esteem pushes us to achieve our dreams, but it also stops us when it’s too risky. A healthy self-esteem does not keep us in a state of permanent euphoria thinking that we can take on the world but in a state of equanimity and balance marked by self-confidence in abilities that we have already put to the test.
References:
Hall, M. P. & Raimi, K. T. (2018) Is belief superiority justified by superior knowledge? Journal of Experimental Social Psychology; 76: 290-306.
Milanese, E. (2011) A proposito di Æstimum e dell’origine della parola estimo. Aestimun; 58: 81-86.
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