Is it possible to unconsciously manipulate someone? At first glance, both terms seem antagonistic. We tend to think that manipulation requires intentionality. We believe that the manipulative person knows perfectly well what he is doing and that he strains the threads of relationships on purpose to put pressure on us.
But this is not always the case – or at least not always.
Unconscious manipulation not only exists, but is one of the most common types of manipulation.
Can they manipulate us unconsciously?
In 2006, German psychologists conducted a very interesting experiment on the unconscious manipulation of free will. These researchers asked a group of people to carry out a very simple task: press two keys to give the correct answer (4 or 6).
However, some participants were subliminally shown one of those digits before they chose the correct answer.
The psychologists verified that when they did not intervene, the participants pressed the correct key in an average of 29 ms. On the other hand, when exposed to the subliminal image, not only did they take much longer (an average of 200 ms), but they also tended to choose the number shown before, even if it was the wrong answer.
This simple experiment shows us that we are much more suggestible than we think. Although we like to think that we make decisions freely, in reality we are very susceptible to unconscious manipulation, especially when it comes from those closest to us and emotions come into play.
What is unconscious manipulation exactly?
Unconscious manipulation occurs when we influence a person or group without having full knowledge of the cause. That is, our words, actions or attitudes influence others, without us being perfectly aware of our persuasive power and, above all, without intending to – at least rationally.
Therefore, we are all subject and object of unconscious manipulation. We all influence the decisions of others, and we often take advantage of it in subtle ways without being fully aware that we are actually trying to change their minds to get something in return.
This gain often occurs on the emotional level. For example, a father or mother who tries to restrict the freedom of his or her child is actually gaining peace of mind for himself. A jealous person who tries to limit their partner’s group of friends and acquaintances will ultimately be gaining stability for themselves. Each manipulation attempt brings some benefit to the manipulator, although it is not always easy to detect it.
5 phrases and attitudes that reveal unconscious manipulation
Unconscious manipulation is more subtle than imposition or coercion, which is why it is usually harder to detect and is often more effective. However, some of the most common phrases and attitudes in relationships that suggest a manipulative intent are:
1. “You decide, but…”
This phrase is particularly effective because it does not raise suspicion, so the person does not become defensive since their interlocutor is recognizing – at least in theory – their free will. However, in reality it is an attempt to push the person in a precise direction, also letting him know that if he chooses another path, the fault will be exclusively his, so it also adds pressure and generates doubts.
2. Silence
Not saying anything is also an unconscious manipulation strategy that can be particularly toxic. Of course, after an argument or conflict, it’s normal for us to feel the need to walk away and take some time to calm down and reflect. But when that situation continues, stopping talking to someone becomes a punishment. In fact, it is a common response of passive-aggressive people with which we try to make a dent in the other’s emotions so that they give in.
3. “But wouldn’t you like to…?”
If a person has already made a decision and communicated it to us, this question has no place, so it generally has a manipulative undertone. And the worst of all is that it is presented as an “innocent” suggestion. The goal of this question is to make the other person hesitate, so that they lean towards the solution you propose, making it seem like the decision was theirs, when in reality they are being subtly pressured.
4. Systematic forgetfulness
If someone makes a promise and then forgets it or if they compromise to do something and forget it too and these mistakes are systematically repeated, it is likely that deep down they hide an attempt at unconscious manipulation. Those frequent “memory lapses” may be shouting loudly that this person really isn’t ready to commit and is trying to shift responsibility from them to others.
5. Victimism
People settled in chronic victimhood are specialists in resorting to subconscious manipulation. They generally adopt the role of victim – but they do not interpret it, but believe it – so they are not usually demanding, but rather their strategy consists of giving pity and generating guilt to get the other person to follow their wishes. Phrases like “Do whatever you want, I’m worth nothing to you ” or “Have fun, I’ll be alone, as always ” are the favorites of the unconscious manipulator.
How to detect and stop these manipulation attempts?
Unconscious manipulation is difficult to identify because many times not even the person themselves knows the reasons that push them to act this way. Many fathers and mothers who manipulate their children, for example, are convinced that they are doing it for their own good. In the same way, many attempts to unconsciously manipulate the partner are justified with the excuse of the stability and security of the relationship. The unconscious manipulator usually thinks that he is “helping” the other.
We must also remember that interpersonal relationships are a complex network of pressures and resignations, negotiation and gains, so many times we also have to listen and be willing to give in. The most important thing is that a pattern of manipulation is not established in your relationships.
You will be able to realize that they are trying to manipulate you because:
- You feel like you can’t be yourself when you’re with that person
- You feel pressured to do things that you don’t feel like doing or that don’t fit your values
- You feel tense in the presence of that person or experience a feeling of inferiority or guilt
In that case, it is essential that you remain firm in your decisions and be aware that this person will probably try to change your mind. If so, politely decline with phrases like “I appreciate your concern, but I’ve already made my decision ” or with a simple “No, thank you .” At the end of the day, remember that “no” is a complete sentence in itself. You can say “no” without explaining or feeling guilty.
Source:
Kiesel, A. et. Al. (2006) Unconscious manipulation of free choice in humans. Consciousness and Cognition; 15(2): 397-408.
